1.
[during sex] her: call me names me: george
2.
Day 126 with no sex. I've lost hearing in my right eye
3.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs? Her: Mhm, but you should know it's my first time Me: Don't worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
4.
The strap on the back of crocs is so they stay on during sex
5.
[After sex] Sorry I was clapping so much
6.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
7.
pee after sex or you will get an HGTV
8.
Good things to say after sex 1. thanks 2. that was fun 3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died 4. where then 5. where is he
9.
Shower sex is overrated fuck me in the microwave
10.
Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
11.
"Are you sexually active?" No "Any drug use?" No *doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
12.
[during sex] her: i want you to hurt me me: your sister’s more successful than you her: wait me: not a big fan of the new haircut her: stop
13.
no, the doc martens don’t come off during sex
14.
*Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'
15.
*in the middle of sex "Go deeper" Okay *pulls out* *sits in a chair and sips coffee* *opens poetry book* Two roads diverged in a wood and I-
16.
casual sex means you get to wear jeans during it
17.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
18.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"