1.
Mad how yer tastebuds change as ye get older. Would never have even thought aboot touching a mushroom when a was younger n noo am basically oot foraging in the woods tae find the elusive scarlet elfcap tae fling in ma carbonara for a more earthy flavour
2.
See when u get a parcel delivered n the guy asks u to sign his wee phone thing, Ye could actual draw a ragin boaby on it n he’d still be lit “right mate that’s brilliant cheers”
3.
house currently in uproar as it would seem the dug’s back on the gear. mum’s in tears, we’re all worried sick
4.
Mad how dogs can swim way no lessons
5.
ma grans just caught me filling up ma water bottle in the sink n went mental cos she bought a multipack a volvic. wow sorry didnae realise this was a tory household now, splashin the cash like we’ve won the lottery or suhin jesus christ nuhin wrong w cooncil juice doll
6.
Was standing next to a goth at the traffic lights n they opened up their umbrella n a honestly shat masel thought the cunt was turning into a bat
7.
looks like spider-man’s nemesis; the grey goblin. on her way tae declare uncle Ben’s corpse fit for work
8.
My maws actual more concerned wae my work than me, when u working next? U working tomorrow? Time u start? U driving there? So how was work? Wits ur manager like? Was it busy? Were YOU busy? Wit were u doing? Did u get a break? Did u get food? Time u finish? When u working next?
9.
Noticed there was a fly on our flight and it full on blew my mind. That lad has no clue that he’s full on emigrated. Will never see any of his family or pals ever again
10.
A duck musta been at the door wae a parcel this mornin
11.
Absolutely mortified in work asked this boy n girl if they were together as in lit together in the queue and he's lit "aw we're kinda together but it's not official or anythin" 😭😭😭 that's no wit a meant Hun
12.
Drug dealers should start selling strong as fuck hay fever tablets, no like the pish you get out the shop, ad be aw er that
13.
a pure 50 shades relationship would get sooo tiring like “u just rolled ur eyes at me, time for a spanking 😏😏’ n ur like NO UR JUST DOING MA FUCKIN HEED IN CHRISTIAN
14.
I can't decide if this is Inverness being super friendly by having signs specifically dedicated to giving Little Mix directions, or being horrible by trying to start rumours about them. https://t.co/0U8G3CE2TK
15.
Is it just ma maw that tells me some ae her gossip and then says “dinny you go telling anyone that.” As if am gonnae be cutting about telling aw ma pals big Debra up the road could be getting the wains taken aff her
16.
I was just getting on a bus there when the guy infront of me said to the driver Excuse me ! Do you go to Glasgow university ? And he said..... NAW MATE AM A BUS DRIVER....😂😂😂😂😂
17.
A forgot Ma ID n ma Dad drove Aw the way into Glasgow with it :’( heroes don’t wear capes they shag ur maw way no protection
18.
Deed😭😭
19.
saw £20 lying on the floor beside my foot in edinbrugh, picked it up and gave it to a guy holding a charity box....walked away all chuffed with myself only now to realise it was mine and it had fallen out my pocket 🙂🙂🙂hate maself now
20.
aw a want is glowing skin a poppin highlight a tan a toned stomach £100,000 in ma bank n that feeling when the hot wind hits yer face when you step aff the plane😂😂😛😛👍 but here a am ˢʰᵒᵛᶦᶰᵍ ᵃ ᶫᵉᵍᵒ ᵖᶦʳᵃᵗᵉ ˢʰᶦᵖ ᵘᵖ ᵐᵃ ᵃʳˢᵉʰᵒᶫᵉ ᵃᵍᵃᶦᶰ
21.
Mum: ‘how was ur day?’ Me: ‘yeah good Started work at 9 United mad by 11 Left school at 16 18, pulling pints in the castle But then I stopped pulling pints and started pushing myself Sure, I was born in Carlisle But I was made in the Royal Navy’ Mum: ‘have u had enough to eat’
22.
Told my Gran she needs to write an invite list for her 80th party: “Aye that’s fine son I’ve got the list for my 70th through there, just cross off the ones that are deed”😂😂
23.
Sitting in a bar in malia and we ask the guy to take a picture of us, and he was like do u want the dog in the pic, and we were like aye why not, result being https://t.co/E9gceO9qvk
24.
Mind those fucking wee mutants in primary school that used to turn their eyelids inside out
25.
Deeeed My pals 5 yr old wee brother just asked her if her ex boyfriend was coming up tonight n she replied “we broke up” and he said “well me and him didn’t break up soo??”
26.
Maws new bf is staying over tonight. Just done a shite with the door open so he knows who’s boss around these parts
27.
that’s next weekends plans out the window fucking hell https://t.co/UX7MhMB3bT
28.
How’s it cute for a wean tae have a bath in the sink but when a dae it am “too big” or “floodin the place” get tae fuck a hate ma family
29.
Battery’s on your telly remote last forever man 😂 stops working just give it a wack n it starts working again for another 3 year
30.
When I was younger I used to wash dishes as a part time job and my boss used to say shit like ‘you’re hearts just no in this is it’ nah mate it is am trying to improve my soap to dish ratio so I can compete in the kitchen porter olympics Hahahah hearts no in it get tae fuck
31.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
32.
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend.
33.
My mum was at a party and a wee old woman told her she’d already bought her Christmas presents cos she won’t be here for Christmas, n my mum went “awww don’t say that” hinkin she wis copping it soon n she went “naw I’ll be in Benidorm” 😂😂😂😂
34.
find it shocking that when I was 15/16 I’d drink a litre vodka n was still able to go home n act natural in-front of my ma now I have two drinks an I’m sideways like I’d talk shit to a plant
35.
Pffffft what’d a do to deserve him, he’s so romantic 😍👏🏽😍👏🏽 keeper x
36.
U dno how embarrassing ur pals are until ur in the front of the taxi and they are in the back
37.
Sick of my car using petrol when I drive it
38.
My dad's birthday card to my mum is fucking monumental.
39.
Driving home from work the other day n wondered wit it’s like to brake with ma left foot. Fair to say al no do that again, nearly put masel through the window. Lesson learned.
40.
Wit wis primary and secondary school aw aboot btw, ye wid go to the office sayin yer no well n mad susan the secretary wid all of a sudden become a doctor, naebor hen get behind aht desk n phone ma maw cos am gawn up the road
41.
this has jamie oliver written all over it https://t.co/NfhnP1HfZu
42.
When I’m out n see someone wearing a camo jacket My brain: Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Me: There’s a floating heed
43.
state ae this, trying to communicate with ma dad is a fuckin task
44.
Canny believe how expensive being alive is
45.
Ma mum found poppers in ma bag n she was like "what are these?" so a said a didn't know n she's sat there sniffing away at them going "hmm it smells like nail polish remover" steady on hen you'll get a banger eh a headache
46.
Ma da had to do an emergency stop in the taxi yesterday n some lassies face has left a full imprint on the back seat Hahahahahahahahaha https://t.co/Z2sbht8zqA
47.
A guy i work with has been off for a few days cause he burnt his living room down n hes just walked in i’ve said awright fireman sam and hes put a complaint in
48.
av just been told in Stirling there's a group of emos who hang around outside Argos who have named themselves 'the argoths'
49.
Am actual buckled omg taking ma motor in for a service this morning n ma mum phoned me n said get that motor sprayed way febreeze it stinks of dope n a could hear ma dad shouting in the background “theyll phone the polis Gema!” :)))) hello 999 Snoop Dogs just drapped aff his Kia
50.
A woman done a shite that bad the day in ma work that the wee woman that owns the place wis in the kitchen greeting geein it ‘ a don’t know if this is for me anymore’ 😂😂😂 a shite that powerful it makes ye reconsider yer career path