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1. A smooth and perfectly bendable dildo that kind of looks like Nessie the Loch Ness Monster if Nessie wanted to take you to higher heights.
2. A truly magical magic wand. Not only does it get the hard-to-reach kinks out of your back, but it will literally have you reaching a peak where tears come out of your eyes. It's THAT good, y'all.
3. An adorable fox tail butt plug. Who doesn't want to role-play as a forest animal before going down to poundtown?
4. A double-sided dildo both you and your boo can ride together. Or use it by your lonesome, whatever!
5. An adjustable thigh spreader, because who has time to buss it wide open when you have this to do it for you?
6. A bullet-like vibe with a flat tip for maximum clit stimulation that'll confirm Kiki in fact, DOES love you and likes taking you to your next orgasm.
7. A dual vibe to surround your clit with the greatest vibrations man has ever known. Kind of like surround sound, but for sex.
8. A hand dildo. You'd use your own, but it gets tired sometimes and this right here is sturdy silicone.
9. A "butterfly kiss" massager to gently but consistently press upon your sensitive bits until you say stop.
10. A Satisfyer Pro 2, a truly touch-free clit stimulator with super-cool vacuum technology for an intense end to your ~private time~. Who needs oral when you have this, baby?
11. A lipstick massager complete with multiple speed patterns you can absolutely take on vacation to make it even more ~relaxing~.
12. A purple vibrator with amazing G-spot stimulation and dual motors so you can see stars.
13. A penis head vibrator that might look like your junk is about to get electrocuted, but trust me it'll feel good in a minute. People with penises deserve love, too.
14. An oral sex stimulator, because it isn't just foreplay, you heathens, it's the main event. Multiple orgasms are just a vibration away!
15. A fingertip vibrator you can fit in your pocket or purse just in case you're up for a little exhibitionist action, like Janet Jackson in "Any Time, Any Place."
16. A pack of the cutest tenga eggs to assist you in, well...beating your meat every which way.
17. A beginner's strap-on you and your partner can enjoy... together. It even has a flared base for a little backdoor action.
18. A kinky handcuff and blindfold set for when you wanna get your 50 Shades of Grey on in real time.
19. A Fleshlight to jack into till the crows come home, because it's the magnum opus to penis owners everywhere.
20. An anal plug set so you can start to stretch your bootyhole in all the right ways.
21. A clitoral vibe with 10 different settings and five intensities so you can hum and moan all night, since you love variety.
22. A fancy rabbit vibe with eight different speeds and sensations for that double orgasm you've been waiting for.
When you finally get off with one of these toys...
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Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.