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43 Things That Annoy The Fuck Out Of Glaswegians

Say "glass cow" one more time, pal, I dare ye.

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1. People who think it's acceptable to ask for "salt and sauce" in a Glasgow chippy.

2. Acquaintances who still feel the need to need to talk about the referendum every time you go for a pint.

3. Somehow getting lost in Merchant City even though there are only six streets.

4. American tourists calling it "Glass Cow".

5. Barr's cancelling the glass cheques. That would never have happened in an independent Scotland.

6. Men who think its acceptable to get half-naked when it's 13°C.

7. When your favourite band plays the Hydro, but you don't have a spare £1,000 to go and see them.

8. Non-Scots asking you if you're from Edinburgh.

9. Friends who keep moving and asking you to help drag their sickeningly heavy furniture to the top floor of a tenement flat.

10. Getting on any bus or train after 11pm, because there's a 50% chance a drunk person will be sick on you.

11. Not being allowed to legally drink a beer in the park on a sunny day.

12. The fact that pubs aren't allowed to offer happy hour or two-for-one deals.

13. Off-licences not being able to sell alcohol after 10pm.

14. Non-Glaswegians automatically assuming you're a borderline alcoholic just because you spend the majority of your time complaining about those things.

15. Being woken on a Saturday morning by the aggressive racket of an Orange walk.

16. Sanctimonious Lycra-clad cyclists mowing you down in the West End.

17. Not being able to stand up straight on the subway if you're over 5'8".

18. Never being able to find a parking spot anywhere near the city centre.

19. Apart from NCP car parks that charge an UNBELIEVABLE price to use their pothole-filled crapfest.

20. Being unable to swing a cat in the city centre without hitting someone trying to flog you an overpriced burger.

21. Or a £6 craft beer in a mason jar.

22. Tennent's lager being undrinkable swill.

23. Anyone not from Glasgow pointing this out. The cheek.

24. The fact that both Glasgow airports are nowhere near Glasgow, especially Glasgow Prestwick, which is practically in Ireland.

25. Not being able to eat a sandwich in George Square without a protester screaming in your face about something you don't care about.

26. Non-Glaswegians assuming life in Glasgow is a constant parade of drinking and stabbing. We were the European City of Culture in 1990, get it up ye.

27. Having to listen to endless conversations/news reports/radio phone-ins about Celtic and Rangers.

28. Having to avoid visiting pubs/open spaces/hospitals when Celtic and Rangers play each other.

29. The agonising slowness of being on the M8 in rush hour.

30. Londoners assuming you've been in hunners of fights.

31. Londoners who don't automatically cower in fear when they hear your accent.

32. Londoners.

33. When you realise you're actually driving in one of Glasgow's 50,000 bus lanes and no one will let you out.

34. The inevitable moment on a night out when someone suggests going to the Garage.

35. The inevitable moment when you're drunk enough to agree.

36. Tourists asking where they can get a deep-fried Mars bar. Then sniggering.

37. The weather refusing to stay the same for more than two hours, meaning you're always incorrectly dressed.

38. The inability of Celtic or Rangers to do well in Europe.

39. English pundits slagging off Scottish football teams.

40. Listening to posh Glasgow uni students blaring on about the flat their parents bought them.

41. The fact you can't walk more than five minutes without having to go up an absolute bastard of a hill.

42. The wind. Oh god, the wind.

43. The fact that, for some bizarre, nonsensical, insane reason, Glasgow is not the capital of Scotland.