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67 Thoughts Every Glaswegian Has On A Sauchiehall Street Night Out

"I'm definitely not going to the Garage."

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1. Not up for a big night tonight, just a couple after work.

2. Yes, of course I'll get the first round while there's just two of us here.

3. Wetherspoon's really is astonishingly cheap.

4. Though it does smell a bit funny.

5. Hey, It's Thingy! I've not seen Thingy in years. Come and join us.

6. Aye, maybe I'll stay out for a couple more.

7. No chance, I'm not going in that dump even if everyone else wants to.

8. FINE. I'll go in.

9. OK, this place isn't that bad actually. But I can't back down, so I'm going to continue to pout for the next 10 minutes.

10. If those arseholes from Edinburgh at the next table don't stop calling it "Sausage Roll Street" I'm going to burn this place down.

11. It's only 7pm. Is that guy really doing that in the middle of the street?

12. Yes. Yes he is.

13. Oh well, each to their own.

14. Drinks for everyone! Even you, Thingy, just like old times.

15. Oh shit, is that my ex?

16. Time look cool, attractive, and act like I earn 10,000 more than I actually do.

17. Ah, it's actually a total stranger. And they're weirded out by my staring.

18. No, I don't want a shot. Are we 14?


20. I feel bad you work in a toilet, but I don't think that justifies looking raging because I only gave you 20p for a mint. It's all the change I had.

21. Now I need to give them two quid the next time I go to the loo so they don't think I'm tight.


22. Another pub? Hell, why not.

23. Aye, no worries, I'll catch you up. I just need to go to the cash machine.

24. This is a long queue.

25. Oh god, what if they can't get into that bar and I have to go to another one and I can't find them and I have to wander the streets alone like a loser?

26. How can someone take five minutes to check their bank balance?

27. He's taking out a second card! WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING ALIVE?

28. Finally, success. Precious cash from the cash robot.

29. No, I don't want to come into your restaurant in for a curry, it's half nine. Who eats that late?

30. Shit, it's half nine. How did that happen?

31. Right where next?

32. Alright, this hipster bar seems pretty cool, I'm pretty cool.

33. How can the bar staff spend so much time on their hair and beards and so little time cleaning the toilet?

34. I'm not sure this a human toilet. Non-humans have definitely been using it.

35. Hmm, there's a lot of underagers in here.

36. Ah, no, I'm just incredibly old.

37. Hang on, I'm definitely getting the eye from that hottie over there.

38. Definitely.

39. I'm going to chat to them.

40. After one more drink.

41. Argh! Where did they go?

42. That was my future life partner and my last chance of ever finding any happiness on this miserable planet!

43. Ah, there they are, throwing up over the bouncer.

44. OK, I've missed the last train. Might as well make a night of it.

45. But I'm definitely not going to the Garage.

46. If I stand up as straight as possible the bouncers definitely won't realise how many drinks I've had.

47. Aaaand...I somehow appear to be in the Garage.

48. OK, I'll have a few drinks but there's no chance I'm dancing.


50. Hang on, am I still dancing or is everything spinning around because I'm pissed?

51. Aye, I'm no dancin' any more. I'm lying down.

52. Home time.

53. But I need sustenance for the journey.

54. I can use this queuing time to very slowly count out all the money in my wallet and see what I can afford to buy.

55. Amazing. Chips and cheese = the food of the gods.

56. Is that taxi for me, chief? It's under "McHmmmufgrnsfkfk"?

57. Ach, it was worth a shot. Never mind, the taxi queue it is.

58. Oh man why do I always get stuck behind the couple having a domestic?

59. Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact.

60. It's unbelievably Baltic in Glasgow at 3am.

61. How can there still be so many people in front of me in this queue?

62. I'm going to die in this queue.

63. I don't think I've ever been as sad about anything as I am about the fact I've just finished my chips.

64. Only three people left in front of me...but all the taxis have dried up.

65. TAXI. Triumph! What a night to be alive and in Glasgow!

66. I'm definitely never doing this again though.

67. Ah, who am I kidding? I'll be here next week.

Thanks to Kyle MacLeod and Chris Black for additional suggestions.