Brand Mascot Yearbook Superlatives

Ever wonder what your favorite (and least favorite) brand mascots would have been like in high school? Well…here you go:

1. Geico Gecko: Most likely to fake a foreign accent to pick up girls.

Are you surprised that he used to be voiced by Kelsey Grammer?

3. Chester Cheetah: Most likely to accumulate 3 felony charges before graduation.

It starts at sunglasses indoors, and ends at a crack house.

The fall from the top is always the hardest.

5. Snap, Crackle, and Pop: Mostly likely to experiment with guys during their first year of college.

Snap, crackle, pop, spank.

6. Butter Maiden: Most likely to get type-casted.

She still doesn’t know why she didn’t get the gig with Domino’s.

7. Morton Salt Girl: Most likely to forget her kids at aftercare.

I’m so silly.

9. Snuggle Detergent Bear: Most likely to have a scary, dark side.

11. Mr. Clean: Most likely to have an affair with a married male Senator…

and talk about it on The View afterwards.

12. Coppertone Girl: Most likely to devirginize the whole high school football defensive line.

…and to have a membership at L.A. Tan.

13. Trix Rabbit: Most likely to hate children.

Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!!!

14. Michelin Man: Most likely to use humor to hide his insecurities…

…and most likely to eat his feelings.

15. Mr. Peanut: Most likely to make you feel bad about yourself through the use of seemingly interminable decadent vocabulary.

Would you plebians like a peanut?

16. Uncle Ben: Most likely to hate his job.

17. Colonel Sanders: Most likely to be a dick to Uncle Ben.

18. Chuck E. Cheese: Most likely to be the only rodent to represent a food company.

There is no trap here.

19. Papa John: Most likely to have 3 illegitimate children with 3 different women before 30….

…and deny that they are his children…He can’t be Papa to everyone!!!

20. Poppin’ Fresh: Most likely to expose himself at an elementary school.

Nothing but a hat, a scarf, and little shame.

21. Dinky: Most likely to not live in Arizona.

“Screw those racists….yo quiero vivir en California.” -Dinky

22. Quaker Oats Man: Most likely to try wearing a fedora…

and look like an ass.

23. Ronald McDonald: Most likely to star in film adaptation of a Stephen King novel.

(I apologize.)

24. Vlasic Stork: Most likely to always be a bachelor.

25. Energizer Bunny: Most likely to over-dose.

26. Jack in the Box: Most likely to become a sociopath.

27. Burger King: Most likely to give Jack in the Box a run for his money in the creep department.

“Do you want me to super size this?”

28. Kool-Aid Man: Most likely to black out at his Sigma Chi initiation.


29. Nesquik Bunny: Most likely to be an extra in Space Jam.

Look he’s right there in the crowd!

31. Jared: Most likely to eat his way to the top.

32. Sun Maid: Most likely to become a wino.

I just rescued some wine. It was trapped in a bottle.

33. Green Giant: Most Fashionable…and Best Hair

Green is the new black.

34. M&M: Most likely to become a rapper.

Black on the inside.

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