Since Twilight is such a big thing and I've never read any of the books or seen the first movie, I decided to watch it and learn what all the fuss is about.
Alright, here we go. I'm nervous but also very excited to drink my tea and watch what I'm sure will be nonsense.
1.So Bella moves from Phoenix to Washington to live with her dad, but is she seriously holding a small cactus? LOL. What a clunky way to hammer home the "I'm from Phoenix, this isn't my home" thing.
2.Why are these teens judging Bella for her car? It's a small, kind of rusty truck, and they treat it like it's a large rat.
3.I'm supposed to believe these vampire people are in high school? They look years older than I am, and I am an adult.
4.Why are Bella and Edward staring at each other from across the cafeteria? It's weird. Weird, weird, weird.
5.Oh my god, the smelly thing! I've seen this before, it's hilarious. Why isn't this the tone of the whole movie?
6.After Edward very miraculously saves Bella from getting hit by a car, she meets Dr. Cullen, aka the "dad," in the hospital. Is it me, or does he look, like, the same age as the teen Cullens?
7.What is this conversation? This isn't how people talk. I'm uncomfortable.
8.Edward's right, how is Bella's reaction to learning that he can read minds, "Is there something wrong with me?" I would lose my shit, assuming I'd even believe that at all.
9.So Bella figures out Edward's a vampire and they discuss it in the forest, as you do. Can I get "This is the skin of a killer, Bella" tattooed on my forehead as soon as possible, please?
10.HOW IS HER RESPONSE TO ALL OF THIS, "I DON'T CARE?" She doesn't give a shit. Bella, he is a VAMPIRE.
11.Okay, so Edward was born in 1901 (he was 17 in 1918). That means he's, say, 90 years older than Bella. How is this romance okay???
12.Why do the vampires have special superpowers? Edward can read minds and Alice can see the future, and it's not explained. I'm not willing to casually accept superpowers, lol.
13.Why do the Cullen parents treat the Cullen "teens" like teenagers? They're all old adults. Although, weirdly, the Cullen "teens" do exhibit teen angst they are decades too old for.
14.Edward is over 100 years old. Why does he not know how to flirt better than this?
15.Bella, run! He watches you sleep! Why is she with him? I don't understand. He's so creepy and boring.
16.Wait, they haven't kissed before? Every relationship is different, and that's fine, you do you, but I would say, in general, it's bold to introduce someone to your family before you've kissed.
17.Why are Bella and Edward driving into the forest to save her from the bad vampire played by the guy from Burlesque and Easy A? All the Cullens should stay around Bella in that baseball field and wait for Burlesque/Easy A vampire to come back.
18.Now we're at the "Edward has to suck the venom out of Bella, but can he control himself?" moment, but why doesn't Carlisle do it? We know he has restraint.
19.WHY IS BELLA WEARING SHORT LEGGINGS WITH HER PROM DRESS? I know it's 2008, but good god.
20.Why does Bella want to be a vampire? I know you want to sleep with him, but Bella, no sex is worth losing your human life.
21.And finally, she is 17 and they've been dating for two months! How is this happening???
So that's Twilight! I had a lot of fun watching this bad movie.
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