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    So, I Just Watched "Twilight" For The First Time, And I Have 21 Very Important Questions

    These "teen" vampires are fully adults.

    Since Twilight is such a big thing and I've never read any of the books or seen the first movie, I decided to watch it and learn what all the fuss is about.

    Alright, here we go. I'm nervous but also very excited to drink my tea and watch what I'm sure will be nonsense.

    1. So Bella moves from Phoenix to Washington to live with her dad, but is she seriously holding a small cactus? LOL. What a clunky way to hammer home the "I'm from Phoenix, this isn't my home" thing.

    Bella holding a cactus in her hands, very close to her body

    2. Why are these teens judging Bella for her car? It's a small, kind of rusty truck, and they treat it like it's a large rat.

    Bella pulls up in her truck, other teens judge her, someone sarcastically says, "Nice ride," and she says, "Thanks"

    3. I'm supposed to believe these vampire people are in high school? They look years older than I am, and I am an adult.

    All of the vampires who look like they're in their late 20s

    4. Why are Bella and Edward staring at each other from across the cafeteria? It's weird. Weird, weird, weird.

    Bella and Edward just staring at each other

    5. Oh my god, the smelly thing! I've seen this before, it's hilarious. Why isn't this the tone of the whole movie?

    Bella stands in front of a fan and Edward smells her and essentially gags

    6. After Edward very miraculously saves Bella from getting hit by a car, she meets Dr. Cullen, aka the "dad," in the hospital. Is it me, or does he look, like, the same age as the teen Cullens?

    Carlisle walking into the room

    7. What is this conversation? This isn't how people talk. I'm uncomfortable.

    Bella says, "I have considered radioactive spiders and kryptonite," Edward says, "That's all superhero stuff, right, what if I'm not the hero, what if I'm...the bad guy"

    8. Edward's right, how is Bella's reaction to learning that he can read minds, "Is there something wrong with me?" I would lose my shit, assuming I'd even believe that at all.

    Edward says, "I can read every mind in this room, apart from yours," Bella says, "Is there something wrong with me," and Edward says, "See, I tell you I can read minds, and you think there's something wrong with you"

    9. So Bella figures out Edward's a vampire and they discuss it in the forest, as you do. Can I get "This is the skin of a killer, Bella" tattooed on my forehead as soon as possible, please?

    Bella says, "You're beautiful," and Edward says, "Beautiful, this is the skin of a killer, Bella"

    10. HOW IS HER RESPONSE TO ALL OF THIS, "I DON'T CARE?" She doesn't give a shit. Bella, he is a VAMPIRE.

    Edward says, "I'm designed to kill," Bella says, "I don't care," Edward says, "I've killed people before," and Bella says, "It does not matter"

    11. Okay, so Edward was born in 1901 (he was 17 in 1918). That means he's, say, 90 years older than Bella. How is this romance okay???

    Bella says, "So how long have you been like this," and Edward says, "Since 1918, that's when Carlisle found me, dying of Spanish influenza," and we see Carlisle turn him into a vampire

    12. Why do the vampires have special superpowers? Edward can read minds and Alice can see the future, and it's not explained. I'm not willing to casually accept superpowers, lol.

    Bella says, "Can the rest of your family read people's minds like you can," and Edward says, "No, that's just me, but Alice can see the future"

    13. Why do the Cullen parents treat the Cullen "teens" like teenagers? They're all old adults. Although, weirdly, the Cullen "teens" do exhibit teen angst they are decades too old for.

    Esme says to Rosalie, "Clean this up, now," but Rosalie's an elder

    14. Edward is over 100 years old. Why does he not know how to flirt better than this?

    Edward says, "You better hold on tight, spider monkey."

    15. Bella, run! He watches you sleep! Why is she with him? I don't understand. He's so creepy and boring.

    Bella asks, "Do you do that a lot," and Edward says, "Just the past couple of months, I like watching you sleep"

    16. Wait, they haven't kissed before? Every relationship is different, and that's fine, you do you, but I would say, in general, it's bold to introduce someone to your family before you've kissed.

    Edward says, "Don't move" and they kiss

    17. Why are Bella and Edward driving into the forest to save her from the bad vampire played by the guy from Burlesque and Easy A? All the Cullens should stay around Bella in that baseball field and wait for Burlesque/Easy A vampire to come back.

    The bad vampire glares at Edward, Carlisle says, "Get Bella out of here, go," and Bella and Edward run toward the car

    18. Now we're at the "Edward has to suck the venom out of Bella, but can he control himself?" moment, but why doesn't Carlisle do it? We know he has restraint.

    Carlisle says, "You could try to suck the venom out," Edward says, "You know I won't be able to stop," and Carlisle says, "Then find the will to stop"

    19. WHY IS BELLA WEARING SHORT LEGGINGS WITH HER PROM DRESS? I know it's 2008, but good god.

    Bella wearing a blue prom dress and little leggings underneath

    20. Why does Bella want to be a vampire? I know you want to sleep with him, but Bella, no sex is worth losing your human life.

    Bella says, "If you just let the venom spread, I could be like you by now," Edward says, "You don't know what you're saying, you don't want this," and Bella says, "I want you, always," but "I want your peen" is written under her

    21. And finally, she is 17 and they've been dating for two months! How is this happening???

    Edward says, "Is it not enough just to have a long and happy life with me," and Bella says, "Yeah, for now"

    So that's Twilight! I had a lot of fun watching this bad movie.