You fervently hate Tyler Perry.And Beyoncé stans.You consider yourself a part of the "Talented Tenth."You were invited to join Jack and Jill.Your parents went to college.So did your grandparents.You attended an HBCU.You've had an argument over which HBCU has the best band.You pledged a fraternity or sorority.So did your parents.And your grandparents.You wear an item of Greek paraphernalia every time you go out.Every photo of you includes the hand symbols that represent your Greek letter organization.You make it a point to see Alvin Ailey every December.You deride your friends for ordering steak well-done.You brag about liking yours the proper way: rare or medium.You can't stand reality shows.You're embarrassed by WorldStarHipHop.You agree with Don Lemon and/or Bill Cosby.You support movies like "Red Tails" not because they're good, but because we have to make Hollywood pay attention.In public, you're careful to order a wine that is NOT moscato.And you never drink house liquor.You usually get bottle service anyway.You enjoy the musical stylings of KEM.You refuse to eat at places like Applebee’s or T.G.I. Friday’s.You learned to play tennis or golf for “networking” purposes.You share inspirational quotes on Instagram.You celebrate Kwanzaa.You throw or attend events such as Sip ‘n’ Sees.You had a debutante ball or cotillion.You have vacationed at Martha's Vineyard or the Hamptons.You live in Atlanta or D.C.You've been to Red Rooster.You own a luxury car.You believe that not being like “most black people” is a compliment/pickup line.You've gotten a weave that cost several hundred dollars.You think perms, weaves, and wigs are a sign of self-hatred.You have a passport.You regularly vacation in the Caribbean.You're obsessed with Starbucks.You LIVE for brunch.You believe that people can pull themselves up by their bootstraps.You're a Republican.You consider yourself more “spiritual” than religious.You're proud of the fact that you know how to swim.You enjoy going boating and/or on cruises.You own boat shoes even though you never go boating.You love spoken word.You attend functions with the words "grown and sexy" in the title.And day parties.And especially all-white parties.You wear heels and designer sunglasses with every outfit, including sweatpants.You own a pair of linen pants.You own an article of clothing made out of seersucker.You wear ascots.And bow ties.And bow ties with suspenders.You own a tuxedo.You sometimes wear your sweater tied around your shoulders.You own an expensive watch.And you're really proud of owning an expensive watch.You own a briefcase.You dress your dog.You avoid places that “certain types” of black people frequent.You send or will send your kids to private school.You start debates about politics so you can show your sparkling wit and intelligence.You believe that dinner and a movie is too basic for a date.You think people should stop giving their children “urban” or “ethnic” names.You made it a point to give your kids Afrocentric names (or will whenever you have kids).You've adopted a simpler version of your “urban” name.You love coffee shops and tea lounges.You only drink Perrier/Pellegrino/Smart Water.You put smoked turkey in your collard greens instead of pork.You eat your fried chicken with a fork and knife (if you still eat fried chicken, that is).You avoid eating soul food, but make an exception on Thanksgiving.You have accepted kale as your lord and savior.You shop at Whole Foods.You drink only non-dairy milk (almond, soy, etc.).You just love fro-yo.You eat only organic foods.You're gluten-free.You're a vegetarian or a vegan.You do Bikram yoga.You just love a green smoothie.You're actually on a juice cleanse right now.You own vinyl records even though you’re not a DJ.You think the second Aunt Viv was better than the first one.You get LIVID when people don’t RSVP.You subscribe to Cigar Aficionado or GQ magazine.You work in corporate America.You are a blogger.You are in a book club.You've taken a DNA test to help determine your ancestry.You have given someone the "twice as good" lecture.You think that young kids today need to pull up their pants and wear clothes that fit.You have stopped enjoying something (like Moscato) when it's mentioned in a rap song.You refuse to do the wobble or the Electric Slide at your family reunion.You have Afrocentric art in your home.You have tried, and failed, to NOT dance to "Wipe Me Down."You find being called "bougie" offensive.
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