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    11 Things About "The Apprentice" That Make No Fucking Sense

    Res-you-what?

    1. Who actually writes Alan's "banterous" quips?

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    And are they happy with their life choices, or do they spend their evenings screaming: "I wanted to work on Have I Got News For You" into their clenched fists?

    2. Why can Alan still not say résumé?

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    It's been 11 years, surely a producer should have taken him to one side by now?

    3. Why are the candidates always woken up so early?

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    Is there really any benefit to waking them up about fourteen minutes after they've gone to bed? Actually, maybe that's why they're all so blunderingly incompetent.

    4. Why did the owners of the Bridge Café ever agree to let it be featured on the show?

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    Being used as a synonym for failure, punishment, and bad coffee in polystyrene cups surely isn't a great marketing tool.

    5. Why do the teams find it impossible to come up with a name that doesn't sound like a shit nightclub?

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    "Viper!"

    "Exxxcelsior!"

    "Vajazzle!"

    "No."

    6. Why are the links between the briefing locations and the tasks so bloody tenuous?

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    "Here we are at HMS Belfast. Vessels like this inspired the board game Battleship, so this week you have to design a board game..." Seriously.

    7. Do customers ripped off by Apprentice candidates ever get compensation?

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    "But I don't want to pay £9 for a salad."

    "We will literally shout at you until you buy it."

    8. Who lives in the ludicrous Apprentice mansions after each series is over?

    BBC / BuzzFeed

    This year's house costs £17,000 a month to rent. £17,000. Who the hell would pay that for a mansion covered in hair straightener scorch marks and Lambrini stains?

    9. And how do the candidates cope with living together after trashing each other in the boardroom?

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    It must make for a fairly tense atmosphere when you're trying to catch up with the EastEnders omnibus.

    10. Why does Alan keep lying on things?

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    Someone should really tell him the planking craze is over.

    11. And, most importantly, what's behind this door?

    BBC / BuzzFeed

    It looks like a toilet. Is it a toilet? It's been 11 years, BBC. The public needs to know.

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