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What Edinburghers Say Vs What They Mean

64 Edinburgh clichés, translated.

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1. "J. K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter here." — J.K. Rowling had a coffee here. Once.

2. "I can give you directions." — Why didn't you buy a map, you dick?

3. "You should totally climb Arthur's Seat while you're here." — Like I never do.

4. "The Royal Mile? Yes, it's lovely." — I go on massive detours to avoid it.

5. "Well yes, you could get the tram." — I still don't see the point of them.

6. "Yes, of course I recommend the Castle." — I've never been to the castle.

7. "The Festival is great." — The Festival is a pain in the arse.

8. "No, I don't want a flyer." — I'm seconds away from murdering you.

9. "Edinburgh council town planning group." — Secret Society of Evil.

10. "The Scottish Parliament building was a huge waste of money." — I secretly quite like the Scottish Parliament building.

11. "Trams." — White elephant.

12. "Scotrail." — Robbing bastards.

13. "Glasgow to Edinburgh train." — Terrifying booze wagon.

14. "Due to unavoidable..." — We're cancelling the train for no reason.

15. "Excuse me." — How the hell do you not know how to use a ticket barrier?

16. "Excuse me?" — I can't use this ticket barrier and need help.

17. "Ex-cuse me." — I am deeply offended and angry.

18. "Sorry, I don't have any extra change for the bus." — You should have planned ahead, you massive cockwomble.

19. "8 minutes." — 16 minutes

20. "4 minutes." — 8 minutes

21. "2 minutes." — 4 minutes

22. "DUE." — Not due.

23. "DUE*" — Not coming.

24. "Thanks, driver." — I'm not grateful, just bound by social convention.

25. "I cycle to work" — I spend my mornings dodging traffic on the bridges.

26. "Let's get a taxi home!" — I just won the lottery.

27. "Let's go to the Christmas market." — I want to spend half my monthly salary on a small mug of Drambuie-flavoured wine.

28. "Edinburgh is so beautiful at this time of year." — I'm so cold.

29. "I had a great Hogmanay: I went to the street party." — I was sick in a bin.

30. "I work in finance." — I'm a temp at Scottish Widows.

31. "I work in oil and gas." — I'm a temp at the Scottish Power call centre.

32. "I work in whisky." — I run the ride at the Scotch Whisky Experience.

33. "I work in tourism." — I work in a tartan tat shop.

34. "Let's do lunch." — Let's run to Greggs and back in the rain.

35. "Let's go for a meal." — I've got a 2-for-1 Jimmy Chung's voucher.

36. "Let's have a picnic." — Let's shiver around a Tesco disposable barbeque on the Meadows.

37. "Let's go to a party." — Let's drink warm beer in a tenement staircase.

38. "Let's go to George Street for cocktails." — I'm a rich English student.

39. "Edinburgh's nightlife is so great." — Edinburgh's nightlife is terrible.

40. "Let's go to the pub for a quick drink." — Let's stay in the pub until 1am.

41. "We're dog-friendly." — We'll tolerate your dog through gritted teeth because

everywhere else in Edinburgh seems to.

42. "My rent? Oh, it's not bad" — My rent's a rip-off, but at least I don't live in London.

43. "I live in Stockbridge." — I am unimaginably wealthy.

44. "I live in The Grange." — I am either a minor royal or J. K. Rowling.

45. "I live in Marchmont." — I am a student.

46. "I live in Newington." — I am a slightly poorer student.

47. "You live in Morningside?" — Pretentious bastard.

48. "Leith / Easter Road / Gorgie / Granton is very up-and-coming." — The rent is cheap.

49. "Basement flat." — Your plants will die.

50. "Ground-floor flat." — Burglar's paradise.

51. "Fifth-floor flat." — You won't need to bother with a gym membership.

52. "New build flat." — Claustrophobic MDF box.

53. "Original features." — You're about to get hit with a roof repair bill.

54. "Preservation area." — LOL no Sky dish for you!

55. "Has character." — Has mice.

56. "Affordable." — Damp.

57. "Princes Street on a Saturday." — Post-apocalyptic hellscape.

58. "Jenner's shopping trip? Sure!" — I have no money but I won't admit it.

59. "I shop at Valvona and Crolla." — I shop at Waitrose.

60. "I shop at Waitrose." — I shop at Scotmid.

61. "I shop at Scotmid." — I shop at Lidl.

62. "Glasgow is awful." — I secretly love Glasgow.

63. "You'll huv hud your tea?" — I would rather cut off my own arm than provide you with food.

64. "I'm from Edinburgh." — I'm English.

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