1. "J. K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter here." — J.K. Rowling had a coffee here. Once.
2. "I can give you directions." — Why didn't you buy a map, you dick?
3. "You should totally climb Arthur's Seat while you're here." — Like I never do.
4. "The Royal Mile? Yes, it's lovely." — I go on massive detours to avoid it.
5. "Well yes, you could get the tram." — I still don't see the point of them.
6. "Yes, of course I recommend the Castle." — I've never been to the castle.
7. "The Festival is great." — The Festival is a pain in the arse.
8. "No, I don't want a flyer." — I'm seconds away from murdering you.
9. "Edinburgh council town planning group." — Secret Society of Evil.
10. "The Scottish Parliament building was a huge waste of money." — I secretly quite like the Scottish Parliament building.
11. "Trams." — White elephant.
12. "Scotrail." — Robbing bastards.
13. "Glasgow to Edinburgh train." — Terrifying booze wagon.
14. "Due to unavoidable..." — We're cancelling the train for no reason.
15. "Excuse me." — How the hell do you not know how to use a ticket barrier?
16. "Excuse me?" — I can't use this ticket barrier and need help.
17. "Ex-cuse me." — I am deeply offended and angry.
18. "Sorry, I don't have any extra change for the bus." — You should have planned ahead, you massive cockwomble.
19. "8 minutes." — 16 minutes
20. "4 minutes." — 8 minutes
21. "2 minutes." — 4 minutes
22. "DUE." — Not due.
23. "DUE*" — Not coming.
24. "Thanks, driver." — I'm not grateful, just bound by social convention.
25. "I cycle to work" — I spend my mornings dodging traffic on the bridges.
26. "Let's get a taxi home!" — I just won the lottery.
27. "Let's go to the Christmas market." — I want to spend half my monthly salary on a small mug of Drambuie-flavoured wine.
28. "Edinburgh is so beautiful at this time of year." — I'm so cold.
29. "I had a great Hogmanay: I went to the street party." — I was sick in a bin.
30. "I work in finance." — I'm a temp at Scottish Widows.
31. "I work in oil and gas." — I'm a temp at the Scottish Power call centre.
32. "I work in whisky." — I run the ride at the Scotch Whisky Experience.
33. "I work in tourism." — I work in a tartan tat shop.
34. "Let's do lunch." — Let's run to Greggs and back in the rain.
35. "Let's go for a meal." — I've got a 2-for-1 Jimmy Chung's voucher.
36. "Let's have a picnic." — Let's shiver around a Tesco disposable barbeque on the Meadows.
37. "Let's go to a party." — Let's drink warm beer in a tenement staircase.
38. "Let's go to George Street for cocktails." — I'm a rich English student.
39. "Edinburgh's nightlife is so great." — Edinburgh's nightlife is terrible.
40. "Let's go to the pub for a quick drink." — Let's stay in the pub until 1am.
41. "We're dog-friendly." — We'll tolerate your dog through gritted teeth because
everywhere else in Edinburgh seems to.
42. "My rent? Oh, it's not bad" — My rent's a rip-off, but at least I don't live in London.
43. "I live in Stockbridge." — I am unimaginably wealthy.
44. "I live in The Grange." — I am either a minor royal or J. K. Rowling.
45. "I live in Marchmont." — I am a student.
46. "I live in Newington." — I am a slightly poorer student.
47. "You live in Morningside?" — Pretentious bastard.
48. "Leith / Easter Road / Gorgie / Granton is very up-and-coming." — The rent is cheap.
49. "Basement flat." — Your plants will die.
50. "Ground-floor flat." — Burglar's paradise.
51. "Fifth-floor flat." — You won't need to bother with a gym membership.
52. "New build flat." — Claustrophobic MDF box.
53. "Original features." — You're about to get hit with a roof repair bill.
54. "Preservation area." — LOL no Sky dish for you!
55. "Has character." — Has mice.
56. "Affordable." — Damp.
57. "Princes Street on a Saturday." — Post-apocalyptic hellscape.
58. "Jenner's shopping trip? Sure!" — I have no money but I won't admit it.
59. "I shop at Valvona and Crolla." — I shop at Waitrose.
60. "I shop at Waitrose." — I shop at Scotmid.
61. "I shop at Scotmid." — I shop at Lidl.
62. "Glasgow is awful." — I secretly love Glasgow.
63. "You'll huv hud your tea?" — I would rather cut off my own arm than provide you with food.
64. "I'm from Edinburgh." — I'm English.