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    What Edinburghers Say Vs What They Mean

    64 Edinburgh clichΓ©s, translated.

    BuzzFeed / Getty / Paulprescott72 / Encrier / Thinkstock

    1. "J. K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter here." β€” J.K. Rowling had a coffee here. Once.

    2. "I can give you directions." β€” Why didn't you buy a map, you dick?

    3. "You should totally climb Arthur's Seat while you're here." β€” Like I never do.

    4. "The Royal Mile? Yes, it's lovely." β€” I go on massive detours to avoid it.

    5. "Well yes, you could get the tram." β€” I still don't see the point of them.

    6. "Yes, of course I recommend the Castle." β€” I've never been to the castle.

    7. "The Festival is great." β€” The Festival is a pain in the arse.

    8. "No, I don't want a flyer." β€” I'm seconds away from murdering you.

    9. "Edinburgh council town planning group." β€” Secret Society of Evil.

    10. "The Scottish Parliament building was a huge waste of money." β€” I secretly quite like the Scottish Parliament building.

    11. "Trams." β€” White elephant.

    12. "Scotrail." β€” Robbing bastards.

    13. "Glasgow to Edinburgh train." β€” Terrifying booze wagon.

    14. "Due to unavoidable..." β€” We're cancelling the train for no reason.

    15. "Excuse me." β€” How the hell do you not know how to use a ticket barrier?

    16. "Excuse me?" β€” I can't use this ticket barrier and need help.

    17. "Ex-cuse me." β€” I am deeply offended and angry.

    18. "Sorry, I don't have any extra change for the bus." β€” You should have planned ahead, you massive cockwomble.

    19. "8 minutes." β€” 16 minutes

    20. "4 minutes." β€” 8 minutes

    21. "2 minutes." β€” 4 minutes

    22. "DUE." β€” Not due.

    23. "DUE*" β€” Not coming.

    24. "Thanks, driver." β€” I'm not grateful, just bound by social convention.

    25. "I cycle to work" β€” I spend my mornings dodging traffic on the bridges.

    26. "Let's get a taxi home!" β€” I just won the lottery.

    27. "Let's go to the Christmas market." β€” I want to spend half my monthly salary on a small mug of Drambuie-flavoured wine.

    28. "Edinburgh is so beautiful at this time of year." β€” I'm so cold.

    29. "I had a great Hogmanay: I went to the street party." β€” I was sick in a bin.

    30. "I work in finance." β€” I'm a temp at Scottish Widows.

    31. "I work in oil and gas." β€” I'm a temp at the Scottish Power call centre.

    32. "I work in whisky." β€” I run the ride at the Scotch Whisky Experience.

    33. "I work in tourism." β€” I work in a tartan tat shop.

    34. "Let's do lunch." β€” Let's run to Greggs and back in the rain.

    35. "Let's go for a meal." β€” I've got a 2-for-1 Jimmy Chung's voucher.

    36. "Let's have a picnic." β€” Let's shiver around a Tesco disposable barbeque on the Meadows.

    37. "Let's go to a party." β€” Let's drink warm beer in a tenement staircase.

    38. "Let's go to George Street for cocktails." β€” I'm a rich English student.

    39. "Edinburgh's nightlife is so great." β€” Edinburgh's nightlife is terrible.

    40. "Let's go to the pub for a quick drink." β€” Let's stay in the pub until 1am.

    41. "We're dog-friendly." β€” We'll tolerate your dog through gritted teeth because

    everywhere else in Edinburgh seems to.

    42. "My rent? Oh, it's not bad" β€” My rent's a rip-off, but at least I don't live in London.

    43. "I live in Stockbridge." β€” I am unimaginably wealthy.

    44. "I live in The Grange." β€” I am either a minor royal or J. K. Rowling.

    45. "I live in Marchmont." β€” I am a student.

    46. "I live in Newington." β€” I am a slightly poorer student.

    47. "You live in Morningside?" β€” Pretentious bastard.

    48. "Leith / Easter Road / Gorgie / Granton is very up-and-coming." β€” The rent is cheap.

    49. "Basement flat." β€” Your plants will die.

    50. "Ground-floor flat." β€” Burglar's paradise.

    51. "Fifth-floor flat." β€” You won't need to bother with a gym membership.

    52. "New build flat." β€” Claustrophobic MDF box.

    53. "Original features." β€” You're about to get hit with a roof repair bill.

    54. "Preservation area." β€” LOL no Sky dish for you!

    55. "Has character." β€” Has mice.

    56. "Affordable." β€” Damp.

    57. "Princes Street on a Saturday." β€” Post-apocalyptic hellscape.

    58. "Jenner's shopping trip? Sure!" β€” I have no money but I won't admit it.

    59. "I shop at Valvona and Crolla." β€” I shop at Waitrose.

    60. "I shop at Waitrose." β€” I shop at Scotmid.

    61. "I shop at Scotmid." β€” I shop at Lidl.

    62. "Glasgow is awful." β€” I secretly love Glasgow.

    63. "You'll huv hud your tea?" β€” I would rather cut off my own arm than provide you with food.

    64. "I'm from Edinburgh." β€” I'm English.

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