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35 Twatty "Apprentice" Candidate Quotes: Translated

"I run a successful baking business." – I sell cupcakes at car-boot sales.

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1. "I'm going to give it 110%." – I'm going to fail to do any basic research or make a plan, then blame my teammates when things go wrong.

2. "I'm a great salesperson." – I chase people down the street until they buy a £9 salad.

3. "I definitely nailed that pitch!" – I remembered the name of the product we're trying to sell, and I didn't throw up or piss myself. Result!

4. "I'm not here to make friends." – I am hoping to get laid though.

5. "I set up my own company when I was 15." – I was in Young Enterprise at school.

6. "I work in finance." – I'm a temp at Skipton Building Society.

7. "I run a successful baking business." – I sell cupcakes at car-boot sales.

8. "I'm a marketing expert." – I once used MS Paint to make a poster for my car-boot cupcake stall.

9. "I'm a social media guru." – I took a photo of my cupcakes and put it on Facebook.

10. "I earn a six-figure salary." – But two of those figures are .00

11. "I've got tons of business acumen." – I have no idea what the fuck "acumen" is but I've heard other people say it so...

12. "I'm the best in my field." – But that's only because my field is "living in my parents' basement and reselling things on eBay".

13. "I'm the reflection of perfection." – I'm a vain cockwomble with a rhyming dictionary.

14. "I can walk the walk, and I can talk the talk." – I will repeatedly hide in the background until Lord Sugar forces me to be team leader. Then I'll get fired.

15. "I'm a natural-born leader." – People do what I say just to shut me up.

16. "I'm a business shark/unicorn/dragon." – I'm slightly unhinged.

17. "LET ME FINISH. LET ME FINISH." – I've run out of things to say, but I'm pretending I haven't by shouting "LET ME FINISH."

18. "I'm the project manager of this task." – So please just let me get on with fucking it up in peace.

19. "Numbers are my strong suit." – I got a gold star on my maths homework in year 3.

20. "I've worked out the costings." – I've made up some of the costings, and got the rest horribly wrong.

21. "Yes, he/she was a great team leader." – We've guessed that we're probably going to win so we're going to suck up to them.

22. "No, he/she wasn't a good team leader." – We've guessed that we're probably going to lose so we're going to throw them under a bus.

23. "Sub team leader." – Scapegoat.

24. "I'm an alpha male." – I once saw an episode of Planet Earth and now I think I'm Harambe.

25. "Yes, that was myself, Lord Sugar." – I think that saying "myself" makes me sound intelligent, rather than someone who's forgotten the word "me."

26. "I should be team leader because this is my job. This is what I do." – I have literally done this thing once four years ago.

27. "Calm down." (From a man to a woman) – I'm a patronising arsecandle.

28. "Calm down." (From a woman to a man) – Maybe it's not such a good idea to shout at your teammates in front of customers.

29. "People won't notice if we cut costs." – I've completely misunderstood the point of this "luxury event" task.

30. "I've made a canapé." – I've balanced some tomatoes on a cream cracker.

31. "If you'll just give me one more chance..." – ...I'll just fuck up again.

32. "I can do better." – No, I can't.

33. "I've got what it takes to be Alan Sugar's business partner." – No, I don't.

34. "Thank you for the opportunity, Lord Sugar." – Fuck u m8.

35. "You haven't seen the end of me!" – My cupcake stall will be coming to a car-boot sale near you soon.

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