52 Worrying Signs That Mean You're Probably Not Scottish
You're not Scottish if you prefer tubular sausages to smashed-flat squares.
1. You don't feel enraged when someone says, "No, we don't accept Scottish notes."
2. You watch Jools' Annual Hootenanny instead of Hogmanay Live!
3. And you don't wish Jackie Bird was your mum.
4. You've never tanned Buckfast behind a bus stop or in a phone box.
5. You don't know what "heavy MWI" means.
6. And you've never, ever pulled a whitey in McDonald's.
7. You use words like "cheeky", "bants", and "lads".
8. You eat hash browns for breakfast instead of tattie scones.
9. And tubular sausages, not smashed-flat squares.
10. You've never been to T in the Park and/or been hit in the face by a welly full of piss.
11. You're capable of going out for a single drink after work without it turning into a massive shitfaced bender that lasts 'til 3am.
12. You regularly go out without a jacket, and you laugh in the face of socks.
13. You feel surprised when it snows in June, rather than grimly resigned.
14. You keep your top on on hot* summer days.
15. *Over 14°C.
16. Your football team occasionally qualifies for major international tournaments.
17. When you hear "Flower of Scotland", you remain stoically unmoved.
18. And you've never pogoed to "500 Miles" by The Proclaimers.
19. Or randomly started drunk-crying while listening to "The Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond".
20. Siri understands every single word you say.
21. You have barbecues outside in the sun, not hunched under an umbrella in the rain because you're too fucking stubborn to call it off.
22. You don't add a random and pointless "S" to the end of supermarket names, as in "Gonny get me a can of juice fae Tesco's, hen."
23. You think "Monty Fuck" is a person.
24. You like salad.
25. You own a blazer, and pair of fucking red trousers.
26. You don't automatically pull a sicky whenever it's vaguely sunny outside.
27. And you get a tan, not a vibrant sunburn that then fades to fuck all.
28. When you encounter a shop that sells Irn-Bru abroad, you don't get insanely excited and buy 14 cans at 3 euros each.
29. You rarely use "bawbag" as a term of endearment.
30. Or "cunt".
31. In fact, you find all swearing super offensive, actually.
32. You do "Drynuary" instead of spending January polishing off all your Christmas booze.
33. You've never threatened to "wallap" someone.
34. You have toned abs instead of a peely-wally beer belly.
35. You pronounce Primark "pryyyymark", not "preeeemark".
36. You pass statues without getting the urge to put a cone on their heads.
37. You can say the name "Carl" without it turning into "Carol".
38. You don't get annoyed when people use the words “England”, “Great Britain”, and “United Kingdom” as if they’re the same thing.
39. Some of your friends have nicknames like Biggles, Ding Dong, and Bunty.
40. You go to Royal Ascot instead of Musselburgh Races.
41. You're capable of showing heartfelt emotion without feeling awkward.
42. You know at least one person called Tarquin or Boris. And they probably have really messy hair and at least one Jack Wills polo shirt.
43. You have no idea who Archie Gemmill is.
44. The idea of haggis makes you feel sick instead of gloriously excited.
45. You've played croquet at least once.
46. You've never woken up in a park on a Sunday morning.
47. If something's really good, you describe it as "fantastic" rather than "no bad".
48. You put ice in your whisky.
49. And spell it with an "e".
50. When you hear the word "trainspotting", you picture dull men in anoraks, not Ewan McGregor going for a swim in a shit-stained toilet.
51. You don't sunbathe beside dual carriageways or on city centre pavements.
52. And, most importantly, you've never kicked a burning terrorist in the balls.