1. Ignore anyone who says that Scotland is pretty.
Old Man of Storr, Isle of Skye.
2. As you can see, they're completely wrong.
Loch Alsh.
3. It's a bleak, ugly, and depressing place.
Beinn Dorain, near Tyndrum.
4. There's no sense of grandeur or history whatsoever.
St Andrews.
5. Everything is pretty much brand-new.
The Callanish Stones, Isle of Lewis.
6. There's nothing strange, hidden, or mysterious.
7. Seriously: Does this country even have a past?
Roslin Gunpowder Mill, Midlothian.
8. If you like beaches, don't bother visiting Scotland.
Shieldaig, Ross and Cromarty.
9. There are no nice beaches here.
Dail Beag (Dalbeg) Beach, Isle of Lewis.
10. Not a single one.
Seilebost, Isle of Harris.
11. The public art is boring and unambitious.
The Kelpies, Grangemouth.
12. And don't even get me started on the buildings. Yawn.
Clyde Auditorium, SECC, Glasgow.
13. Scotland's inner cities are all scary urban hellholes.
Edinburgh.
14. Seriously: Never visit the inner city at night.
Glasgow.
15. It really isn't worth it. Just stay indoors.
Dundee.
16. There's no interesting wildlife to speak of.
Young stag, Glencoe.
17. Yep, it's a pretty lifeless place.
Puffins on Handa Island.
18. Especially the ocean: Nothing to see here.
Dolphin, Moray Firth.
19. The food is greasy, horrible, and unhealthy.
Ragout of pumpkin, spinach, and cashew nuts on coriander and raisin couscous from Iglu, Edinburgh.
20. There are virtually no fresh ingredients available.
Shellfish shop, Oban.
21. And even if you could get fresh seafood, you certainly wouldn't want to collect it from here.
Gardenstown Harbour, Aberdeenshire.
22. There are no regional food specialities...
Mellis cheesemonger's in Edinburgh, featuring Auld Lochnagar and Corra Linn.
23. ...and absolutely nothing to drink either.
Whisky display at the Glenlivet Distillery, Speyside.
24. People definitely don't know how to have a good time in Scotland.
Ceilidh at The Hub, Edinburgh.
25. There are no areas of unspoilt natural beauty.
Elgol, Isle of Skye.
26. It's a polluted, crowded, and built-up country.
Fairy pools, Isle of Skye.
27. Even the farmland is ugly.
Ayton, Scottish Borders.
28. There are no impressive works of engineering.
The Forth Rail Bridge, Edinburgh.
29. It's impossible to escape the hustle and bustle.
Loch Muick, Balmoral Estate.
30. There is very little to do in Scotland...
Gourock Golf Club, Inverclyde.
31. ...no visitor attractions or things to see...
Edradour Distillery, Pitlochry.
32. ...no exciting festivals or events...
Up Helly Aa fire festival, Lerwick, Shetland.
33. ...and no interesting galleries or museums.
National Museum of Scotland, Edinburgh.
34. Nope, not a single one.
Kelvingrove Museum, Glasgow.
35. In short, Scotland is a total cultural wilderness.
Edinburgh International Book Festival.
36. Basically, you'd have to be mad to come to Scotland.
Kyleakin Castle, Isle of Skye.
37. It really is the absolute worst.
Stirling.
38. Yes, Scotland is definitely best avoided at all costs.
Sligachan, Isle of Skye.