8 Winter Survival Tips That'll Make British People Laugh

    Disclaimer: Please don't actually follow this advice or you'll get fired or die.

    by
    Hilary Mitchell
    by Hilary Mitchell

    BuzzFeed Staff

    ,
    Becky Barnicoat
    by Becky Barnicoat

    BuzzFeed Contributor

    1. Warm up AND save money on heating bills by covering your body in Nando's Extra Hot Sauce.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    Once the initial burning sensation has subsided, you'll feel pleasantly warm. Possibly. NB: Try to avoid coating sensitive areas like your wang or your chuff.

    2. On cold mornings it can be an effort to de-ice your car before work. Avoid this by simply phoning in sick.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    Excuses you can use include: "I've got the shits", "I burned my wang on some hot sauce", or "I don't want to come to work because it's too fucking cold." Then just sit back, watch Homes Under The Hammer, and eat crisps.

    3. Build a cute DIY heater using an old oil drum and some discarded political campaign literature.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    This is a neat and thrifty way to bring the hipster industrial look into your home! There's always some form of referendum going on in the UK, so fuel won't be hard to find.

    4. If it snows – even a little – lose your shit.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    After all, just two flakes is enough to cause the entire UK public transport system to grind to a halt, so there's no point trying to get anywhere. Just enjoy the anarchy, go wild, and Instagram yourself making a mud angel in your garden.

    5. For a quirky twist on the old-fashioned hot water bottle, heat your bed with Rustlers burgers and paninis from your local petrol station.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    Everyone knows that Rustlers products come out of the microwave hotter than the sun, plus you can't eat a hot water bottle once it cools down. It's win-win.

    6. If you're struggling to get out of bed, don't.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    Just strap yourself into it instead and away you go. Yes, you'll anger other commuters and get in their way, but who cares. Fuck them. They're just jealous.

    7. Muster up some Blitz spirt. AKA Brexit spirit. AKA Just Saying Everything is Great And Hoping Maybe It Will Be At Some Point.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed

    Be the Great Briton you know you can be, and just soldier on with a smile on your face, and an unshakeable belief that your country is better than everyone else's. Channeling the Brexit spirit will make you at least 50% less bothered when your train is cancelled because of two snowflakes, you get drenched by freezing, horizontal rain, and then a series of people cough in your face on the bus. If that fails, try alcohol.

    8. Force winter to end by pretending it isn’t winter.

    Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed / Getty

    It's a well-known fact that you can force a British winter to end by just ignoring it. As soon as March 1st rolls around (and in spite of the inevitable icy, howling gales) insist that it's warm enough for a picnic, and just fucking go for it.

    It's your patriotic duty, after all.