Scotland: Greenock, Inverclyde (£104,996)
Bedrooms: 3
Property type: Flat
• Dainty front garden
• Interior looks like a drawing room from Downton Abbey
• 46 minutes from Glasgow via train
London: East Ham (£250,000)
Bedrooms: 3
Property type: Maisonette
• Handily situated on a main road
• The bedroom wallpaper isn't that bad (if you squint)
• You'll never be short of tyres
Scotland: Edinburgh (£250,000)
Bedrooms: 1
Property type: House
• Converted historic mews house in the heart of Edinburgh's New Town
• Open fireplace in the bathroom
• Nowhere to buy tyres though
London: Mitcham (£300,000)
Bedrooms: 3
Property type: Flat
• Lift and private balcony available
• Hasn't been decorated since the 1980s
• Free broken headboard and plastic sofa
Scotland: Kilmun, Argyll and Bute (£300,000)
Bedrooms: 4
Property type: Detached house
• Gorgeous, whitewashed Victorian villa overlooking Holy Loch
• Also has a conservatory, garden, library, and music room
• 1 hour 45 minutes from Glasgow via a scenic ferry journey
London: Fulham Broadway (£425,000)
Bedrooms: 1
Property type: Studio flat
• Floor-to-ceiling windows
• Communal gardens
• If you get peckish when you're in bed you can just lean into the kitchen and grab a snack
Scotland: Rosehearty, Aberdeen (£420,000)
Bedrooms: 4
Property type: Detached house
• Converted early 1950s RAF bombing tower
• Set in 0.529 hectares of walled garden
• The windows are bomb- and bullet-proof: ideal if you're on the run from the Mafia
London: Crystal Palace (£500,000)
Bedrooms: 3
Property type: Terraced house
• Decent-sized townhouse set over three floors
• Underfloor heating
• Basically a miniature 1960s comprehensive school
Scotland: Linlithgow (£500,000)
Bedrooms: 6
Property type: Detached house
• A stunning example of Greek revival architecture
• 20 minutes from Edinburgh via train
• Basically a miniature stately home
London: Soho (£645,000)
Bedrooms: 1
Property type: Studio flat
• In the heart of London, just a stone's throw from Covent Garden
• Comes with fridge-freezer, washing machine and teeny-tiny oven
• Would feel relatively spacious if you didn't have any possessions
Scotland: Aberfeldy, Perthshire (£620,000)
Bedrooms: 10
Property type: Castle
• A Grade B listed building with around 1,500 square metres of living space
• Built in 1826 by Knight of the Garter Sir Donald Currie
• It's a goddamn castle
London: St John's Wood (£750,000)
Bedrooms: 1
Property type: Flat
• Top-floor flat with a lift and a porter, in case you can't be bothered to carry things
• Half a mile from Regent's Park
• Room for three whole tables
Scotland: Pathhead, Midlothian (£745,000)
Bedrooms: 5
Property type: Detached house
• Period manse built in 1835 with a courtyard, wine cellar, conservatory, and extensive grounds
• A half-hour drive from Edinburgh city centre
• No porter though, which just proves you can't have everything
London: Chelsea (£800,000)
Bedrooms: 1
Property type: Flat
• In need of modernisation and some extensive carpet cleaning
• Separate kitchen and west-facing bedroom
• Shower is the ideal height for a tiny adult or tall child
Scotland: Blair Atholl, Perthshire (£800,000)
Bedrooms: 5
Property type: Detached house
• Huge "equestrian property" with extensive stables, a barn, and nine acres of paddocks
• An hour's drive from Perth
• Horses not included
London: Fitzrovia (£940,000)
Bedrooms: 1
Property type: Studio flat
• First-floor flat with lift
• Large but strangely characterless roof terrace
• Seems to come with a pair of disembodied knees
Scotland: Insch, Aberdeenshire (£900,000)
Bedrooms: 8
Property type: Castle
• Whoever buys it will also receive the title Baron or Baroness Leslie
• Has a Great Hall, large fireplaces, turrets, and tower
• You can pretend you're in Game of Thrones
London: Ealing (£1,000,000)
Bedrooms: 3
Property type: Terraced house
• Price also includes the takeaway business downstairs
• Right next to Ealing tube station
• Free carrier bag, but you'll have to get it down from the curtain rail first
Scotland: Biggar, Scottish Borders (£1,100,000)
Bedrooms: 16
Property type: Detached house
• Magnificent listed former laird's house dating to around 1668
• 1.63 acres of grounds, including a croquet lawn
• So big that the piano gets its very own room