16 Fucking Annoying Scottish Movie And TV Stereotypes, Ranked

This is actually how the world sees us. Smh.

16. The incomprehensible yokel.

Warner Bros / BuzzFeed

These characters are usually found in American movies, blethering a load of mumbled gibberish that bears no relation to Scots. They wear tweed jackets, have archaic muttonchop sideburns, and have names like Jocky McJockface.

Most likely to say: "Finagle yer wheesht the noo, yer big yibbledewhibble."

15. The stern, uncompromising authority figure.

Warner Bros. / Giphy

20th Century Fox / Giphy

This outwardly strict character always turns out to have a secret soft side, which you can access by either a) being heroic or b) giving them whisky. Incidentally, it's a legal requirement that all of these characters have to be played by Dame Maggie Smith.

Most likely to say: "All of my pupils are the crème de la crème!"

14. The foam-flecked, scary rageaholic.

BBC / Giphy

This is one of the most accurate stereotypes, to be honest. We really fucking love swearing, you cunts. Rageaholics are usually to be found either bullying English people in the highest echelons of government, or working as P.E. teachers.

Most likely to say: "I will tear your fucking skin off and fuck it, you fuck."

13. The grotesque slob.

New Line Cinema / Giphy

According to some American films*, all Scottish men do is eat deep-fried food all day, then shit themselves while simultaneously admiring their big wobbly man-boobs. That's not true at all. Well, maybe in Bathgate, but nowhere else.

Most likely to say: "OCH GIVE ME A DEEP-FRIED MARS BAR THE NOO" *fart*

*Austin-fucking-Powers

12. The creepy-ass pagan.

British Lion Films / Giphy

If The Wicker Man is to believed, 99% of Scottish islanders dance around in the nude next to stone circles, before setting fire to innocent policemen. This is absolute rubbish: it's always far too cold to dance around in the nude in Scotland.

Most likely to say: "Summer is icumen in, loudly sing cuckoo. Pass me a lighter."

11. The troubled, brooding detective.

ITV / Giphy

This accounts for over 72% of all Scottish men on British TV. The detectives are usually alcoholics and/or insomniacs, never shower, have four-day-old stubble, and an unerring ability to find criminals despite having a skull-fucking hangover.

Most likely to say: "There's been a murrrr-derrrr."

10. The raging patriot.

20th Century Fox / Giphy

Disney / Giphy

This is pretty much always William Wallace, Robert the Bruce, or very occasionally a different misinterpreted historical character painted blue and covered in blood. One thing's for sure: in the course of the film they'll inevitably show their bum to someone.

Most likely to say: "Something something something FREEEDOOMMMMMM!"

9. The happy-go-lucky middle-aged layabout.

BBC / Giphy

These characters are always from Glasgow, because (according to the TV) no-one in Glasgow has ever had a job, or a wash. Maybe that was true in the '80s, but not now. These days, they all work as hipster baristas and have ironic moustaches.

Most likely to say: "Ah'm jist aff to sign on."

8. The literal monster.

Disney / Giphy

A surprising number of monstrous movie characters have a Scottish accent. They're usually either evil, tentacle-faced squid-pirate hybrids, or Shreks. It's a bit rude, frankly. In fact, it makes us want to commandeer a ship and kill you all.

Most likely to say: "Fuck off, donkey."

7. The wise old sage.

Monty Python Films / Giphy

This character lives alone in a lofty cave and dispenses useful wisdom to heroes while carrying out mystical pagan rituals. But it's OK because they're the good type of pagan, mainly because you can't get decent, burnable wicker on top of mountains.

Most likely to say: "I'll give ye a canny spell that can change your fate, ya bam!"

6. The idealistic young man.

Film Four / Giphy

He's usually a fresh-faced doctor or writer who's convinced that he can change the world by either healing people or sleeping with attractive ladies. These characters are always played by either James McAvoy or Ewan McGregor.

Most likely to say: "Hey doll, I'm basically Jesus. Gies a winch."

5. The tight-fisted old codger.

Disney / Giphy

Disney, thanks so much for creating Scrooge McDuck. Now we're all typecast as skinflints despite the fact we always drunkenly donate loads of money to Comic Relief each year because it's on after we come back from the pub on a Friday.

Most likely to say: "Step away from me fortune, ya bawbag."

4. The sexy, noble Highland warrior.

Starz / Giphy

These sex-pests always wear kilts that drape seductively over their muscled thighs, and spend way more time shagging than they do fighting. They're often to be found in novels written by Americans who have never visited Scotland.

Most likely to say: "Ach ye proud sassenach lassie (misc. Gaelic words)."

3. The unhinged junkie.

Film Four / Giphy

Thanks to Irvine Welsh, people think that all Scots are violent, heroin-and-Buckfast addled jakey bampots like Begbie. Irvine, please balance it out by writing a novel about polite Scottish hippies who farm organic vegetables please. Thanks.

Most likely to say: "WHERE'S MY SKAG, YOU DOSS CUNT?"

2. The feisty young lassie.

BBC / Giphy

Disney / Giphy

It's a rule that all young Scottish female characters have to a) be really good at fighting b) not take any shit from anyone, and c) have red hair. Because all Scottish women are ginger and like punching and shooting people, apparently.

Most likely to say: "I want respect, and I'll stab anyone who doesny give it to me."

1. The rambunctious alcoholic.

Fox / Giphy

Last but by no means least, we have the most enduring archetype of all: the booze-addled, patriotic Scottish bloke in a kilt who punches people while dispensing wisdom at the same time. Er, actually that sounds about right to be honest.

Most likely to say: "Aaah! Ahdnkfjbdj! Fuckkkubg. Urrrgh! SCOTLANDDD!"