1. Remember that saying "you are what you eat"? Find someone with a body you like, then eat them.
2. Take a "before" photo to help motivate you to lose weight. The photo needs to be really grotesque to work, so consider dressing up as the girl from The Ring.
3. You can also try doing sit-ups. These work even better if you have an extremely heavy upper body, so tie some bricks to your head.
4. Travel beyond the hidden forest, climb the Dark Mountain, defeat the evil Artificer, and seek out the Oracle. The Oracle has a range of excellent, fat-burning, goji berry–based snacks available for purchase.
5. To prevent unsightly bloating, make sure you eat plenty of fibre. Linen is perfect, but most other forms of textiles work well too.
6. Use a smaller plate for your meals so it looks like a bigger portion. Better still, eat all of your food in the dark while wearing a blindfold.
7. If you're retaining water, watch Marley and Me. You'll cry yourself thin!
8. Trampolining is a surprisingly good way to tone your legs, bum, and tum. So strap two trampolines to your feet and wear them at all times.
9. Drink lots of water. Drink whole gallons of water. Drink so much water you drain local rivers, wells, and lakes dry. Drink so much water that crops fail and wither, and your neighbours all starve.
10. If you have a "trigger food", replace it with a healthier alternative. If you crave crisps, chew pieces of paper with crisps drawn on them. If you love ice cream, suck on a vanilla-scented car air-freshener.
11. Avoid alcohol. Literally. Take a 10-mile detour to avoid off-licences, and if someone near you starts drinking, fall to your knees and scream until they flee in fear and confusion.
12. Did you know that you actually burn calories when eating a boiled egg? Idk if that's true but spend every waking hour eating boiled eggs just in case.
13. Entire raw cabbages make a delicious and practical snack, so carry at least five with you at all times. Don’t be afraid to take one out in a meeting and take a bite right out of it: There's no law against cabbages.
14. If you're having trouble despising your current body enough, imagine it's, like, Hitler or someone. Now punish it! Punish your Hitler body!
15. Buy a painfully small bikini so that whenever you put it on you look like a strung ham. Wear it under your clothes to remind yourself to eat cabbage.
16. Travel to your nearest black hole. The black hole's strong gravitational field will simultaneously stretch and elongate your body in a process known as "spaghettification". Sure, you'll be a lot taller and a bit dead, but you'll look fab!
17. If anyone offers you a cake, report them to the police, even if they're a kindly old woman raising money for charity. Better still, perform a citizen's arrest. Don't worry about Agnes, she'll make plenty of friends in prison.
18. Hire a furious nun to walk behind you ringing a bell and shouting "SHAME" if you go anywhere near a fridge. Pay her handsomely – this is important work.
19. Don't focus on what you can't eat, focus on what you can eat. Like ice cubes, your own fingernails, diet water, and Tic Tacs.
20. Cycling to work is OK, but if you really want to lose weight on your commute, use a pogo stick. It'll take fucking ages but you'll burn lots of dirty, shameful fat.
21. You could also make smaller changes. If you drive to work, consider parking further away and walking the rest of the distance. If you live in London, park in Hull. If you live in Scotland, park in Norway.
22. Make sure you chew food as thoroughly as possible, as it aids digestion. Chew every single bite for at least an hour, possibly three. Twelve is ideal.
23. Remember the old saying "no pain, no gain"? Your body has to feel pained and hurt if you're going to lose weight, so stop calling it and don't explain why.
24. Whenever you reach for a snack, stop. Imagine what a man would say. He'd say, "Don't eat that ham, Janet. I don't like ham-filled women." Now put it down.
25. Pick a "bikini body buddy" to help you stay motivated. You can support each other by getting a tattoo of each other's "before" photos on your foreheads.
26. Instead of eating food, eat measuring tapes. They're 100% fat-free.
27. If, after all that, you still have any areas of stubborn fat, beat them with a meat tenderiser. If it works for steak, it'll work for your abdomen.
28. Allow yourself one "cheat day" a week. Cheating on your partner is a great way to distract yourself from the grinding misery of dieting and exercise.
29. "Eating clean" is vital if you want to look your best, so consider swapping bread for well-scrubbed floor tiles when making sandwiches.
30. And finally, remember: If none of these excellent tips work, don't be tempted to wear a bikini. Wearing a bikini if you even have a single atom of fat on your body is a terrible idea. It looks dreadful. See?