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    How An Inspirational Stock Photo Woman Eats Every Day

    Look at my orange.

    I usually wake up at 5:30am, and start the day (as I'm sure everyone does), by throwing banknotes into the air while wearing my favourite carnival costume.

    Andrea Chu / Getty Images

    My lifestyle guru Parmaynu says that this really helps balance my chakras. I also use this time to do a bit of Tortellini meditation, which is a form of deep relaxation where you imagine you're actually allowed to eat pasta.

    Then, it's time for my other favourite morning activity: Being upside down with my bum out.

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    The severe neck pain really helps me prepare for the busy day ahead.

    At 7am I break my fast with a single half orange, which I just show to people.

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    "Look at my orange!" I say to them.

    Then I wake my 48-month-old son Zucchini and make him some morning salad.

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    Little Zuke typically breakfasts on carrots, ho shou wu powder, umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. If I'm feeling particularly decadent, I'll let him have a spoonful of Shilajit resin too. Crazy!

    Once Zuke has finished refusing to eat his probiotic-rich, mineralising breakfast, it's time for the school run.

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    Like all women, I drive with my arms in the air while holding a hat that looks like a flannel.

    My first task when I arrive at work is usually having something explained to me by a man.

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    Like what an iPad is, or how to use paper.

    Next, it's time to laugh at a senior male colleague's joke.

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    It's so important that Brian feels his gags about terrible women drivers, blondes, and Brexit are appreciated.

    For lunch, I usually show people a melon while giving them a thumb's up.

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    "Look at my melon!" I say to them.

    Sometimes, a friend joins me to gossip about salad while a sensible man works in the background.

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    We chase our salads with three Finish Quantum shots for mineralisation, and 12 litres of unsweetened diet water for energy.

    After lunch, it's straight back to being confused by pieces of paper again.

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    ???????? !!!!!!!

    After picking up Zukey at 5pm, I prepare a quick pre-dog yoga dinner of raw leaves and brain dust.

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    Which I just show to people.

    Then, I eat a bowl of measuring tapes.

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    They keep me regular!

    From 7 to 9pm, I take my dog Cordyceps to his yoga class with his go-to teacher, Harijiwan.

    Ben Grantham / Getty Images

    I keep Cordy in shape by feeding him low-glycemic bee pollen, cashews, turmeric root, and nothing else. He's the 26th French bulldog I've owned this year.

    At 11pm I usually feel like I deserve a treat, so I permit myself to touch some toast before turning in.

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    I love carbs and I don't want to deny myself the indulgence, so I finger them for 10 minutes a day. I also drink a soothing cup of hot ham water as a nightcap.

    Then, I put on my outdoor clothes, find a comfortable wall, prop my head against a pillow, and go to sleep.

    Michael Blann / Getty Images


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