back to top

11 Things About England That Everybody In An Independent Scotland Would Secretly Miss

Can any amount of North Sea oil make up for the loss of Bargain Hunt?

Posted on

1. Arguing about the validity of Scottish notes.


If we become independent (and don't keep the pound), we'll never have an opportunity to bellow the words "IT'S LEGAL CURRENCY" at dismissive English shopkeepers ever again, or experience that victorious moment when you finally get them to accept the note and you feel like William Wallace. "You'll never take our FREEEEEDOOOOOOOM! Thanks for the crisps."

2. Bargain Hunt.

BBC / Via

If we lose access to the BBC, we'll openly mourn the iconic, high quality shows like Doctor Who, Attenborough documentaries, and (of course) Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents. But what about Bargain Hunt? No one admits that they're hooked to it, but it's soothing stuff. Watching Karen and Dave from Shropshire comb through boxes of cracked pewter dog statuettes is as close as most of us get to meditation.

3. The Queen's Speech.


Very few people care about the content of the Queen's Speech, but – like Bargain Hunt – the way it washes over you is oddly comforting, especially after a few* festive sherries. What will replace it? Will Alex Salmond do 15 minutes of stand up comedy instead? That's not a fun thought.


4. London.

Oli Scarff / Getty

Specifically: reading about London. What will we do when we aren't constantly updated about the weekly tube strike on our way to work? Or told what gigs are on in a city 500 miles away whenever we check event listings? There are so many London-centric articles in the news that it'll be weird when they're gone. You'll end up googling 'top ten places to buy gluten free bagels in SoHo' just to get a fix.


5. Theme parks that aren't M&Ds.

Brad Heyd / Creative Commons / Via

Sorry M&Ds. We know you're 'Scotland's Theme Park', but you can't really hold your own on a world stage. It's quite nice sharing a country with the likes of Chessington World of Adventures, Thorpe Park and Alton Towers (even if we do have to get up at four in the morning to get there).

6. Boris Johnson.


It's quite entertaining to hear about BoJo's ludicrous gaffes, even if they are disgraceful. After all, who on Earth goes to a gay rights event only to announce: “I’m delighted that as of this autumn any young man will be able to take his chum up the Arsenal... and marry him." Actually, on second thoughts... we won't miss him.

7. Passports with a picture of a dead bird inside.


As Pat asks on Yahoo Answers: 'why are there pictures of a dead bird in my passport?' She goes on to explain that 'the answer I got from the glasgow passport office went through the pretty pictures of birds but not once did it explain the DEAD BIRD.' It must have been fun to work at the Glasgow passport office that day. They'll miss Pat and the random, inexplicable dead birds. And so will we.

8. Wills and Kate coverage.


We don't actually care about what they're doing, but it's good to be able to complain about how much coverage there is in the news, particularly if you run out of other topics of conversation while stuck on a bus with a work colleague that you don't know particularly well. Imagine if we didn't have that any more. IMAGINE.


9. "Keep Calm And Carry On" merchandise.

brokensuicide / Creative Commons / Via

Yes, it's annoying, but it conjures up a rose tinted vision of stiff upper lips, the Blitz spirit, digging for victory, Spitfires fighting daleks, V for Victory, Dad's Army, rationing and incredibly heroic dogs. Also, without posters like this how will you remember to carry your iPod? It's a sobering thought.

10. The UKIP soap opera.

Channel 4 / Via

As well as losing EastEnders, we'll also lose access to the UK's second highest rated soap opera: UKIP Street. The news schedules will be pretty dull without a daily recap of their members' regular gaffes, public assaults, racist tweets, homophobic Facebook comments and related hijinks. We'll have to bring back Take The High Road to fill the void.

11. The population of Edinburgh.

Adam Ward/ Creative Commons / Via

As everyone knows, the entire population of Edinburgh is English. What will we do without them? Will J.K. Rowling's £250,000 treehouse lie derelict and empty? Who will buy all of the expensive German pastries in Falko Konditormeister? The trams will seem even more pointless without anyone to ride them. Sad times.