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27 Things Australians Learn When They Move To London

It's almost like you're moving to the other side of the world or something.

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1. You go to France way less than you think you're gonna go to France.

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Just because it's not a 24-hour flight doesn't mean you can afford it on your London wages with your new London rent.

2. The sun is a nice thing, not a terrible monster from the sky whose sole purpose is to give you cancer.

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No one wants to sit in the shady corner of the beer garden with you. They probably don't even slip, slop, slap.

3. But you really miss it when it's not there.

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4. As soon as it gets sunny, people get naked.

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NO HAT = NO PLAY.

5. ...And suddenly decide that pavements are for drinking beer on.

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Occasionally roads are also for drinking beer on until someone shouts at you.

6. SPF 15+ is an acceptable SPF.

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Nobody has a city-wide rotation system where they visit several skin cancer clinics under pseudonyms for a check-up three times as much as recommended. Not even gingers.

7. These signs start appearing when the temperature reaches the scorching heights of winter in Queensland.

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And you start talking about how at school they would let you go home on 40 degree days. Like you'd been in 'Nam.

8. Thongs are things that go up your arse.

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These are called flip-flops now.

9. All good coffee shops are run by Australians or New Zealanders who got sick of not having good coffee.

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Pre-2007 was a coffee ~wasteland~.

10. A trip to the beach is not a trip to a beach.

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It's a grey wind tunnel with rocks in it, mate.

(The skeleton pier is cool though. We'll give you that.)

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11. Seinfeld is a special interest subject, not general knowledge.

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It was in a weird late-night slot and only about five people watched it. These people work in comic book shops and record stores. Seriously, what's the deal with that.

12. Trisha off Play School was basically Ricki Lake.

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And no one knows about the REAL Trisha.

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13. England's version of Humpty looked like THIS.

"Haha," you'll say, "it's sort of like that episode of Seinfeld where they had the Bizarro versions of –" NO. STOP SAYING THIS. NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
Ulleskelf / / Via Flickr: ulleskelf

"Haha," you'll say, "it's sort of like that episode of Seinfeld where they had the Bizarro versions of –" NO. STOP SAYING THIS. NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Just FYI though:

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14. People in England have an inflated sense of how good a Penguin is.

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No, this is not "exactly like a Tim Tam". It's not even a bit like a Tim Tam. You cannot do a Tim Tam Slam with this abomination. Have some fucking respect.

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15. One day you'll wake up and be like, "Do I...Do I think Marmite is actually OK now?"

The Office / Universal Television

You're not divorcing Vegemite. You're just on a break.

16. Chocolate jelly babies are not a thing here.

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WHY NOT.

17. It's not as bad as your parents said it would be after they visited in the '80s. No, mum, seriously.

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Brixton is nice now! They have a Starbucks and an H&M and a Franco Manca pizza place! They have kale!

18. It is possible to have a cold for six months straight.

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It takes years to become immune to the Tube diseases/remember to buy antibacterial gel or whatever.

19. Not all maps are geographically accurate. The Tube map is just colourful lies.

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BOLD WORDS FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST SPENT 30 MINUTES GETTING THE TUBE FROM TOTTENHAM ROAD TO GOODGE STREET.

20. Encino Man was called California Man which is weird because we didn't know what an Encino was either.

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The cheese was still old and mouldy.

21. Spraying snow on the windows at Christmas actually makes sense here.

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It's not 35 degrees out and Santa's not boiling in his suit in a shopping centre near a beach.

22. There's this amazing thing called the NHS but you will keep trying to give people money for stuff because you don't get it.

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"You mean...this is free? No but what about the bit where I give you SOME money and then have you arrange to complicatedly give me a portion of that money back after I line up for my whole lunch hour?"

23. Pimm's.

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24. You discover that beer does make you fat.

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No one meets for coffee here. You have to buy new clothes. Jeanswest no longer fits best.

25. Stella is not as fancy a beer as you think it is.

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But can you really trust the opinion of people who are putting Fosters in their mouths?

26. Ugg Boots are worn outside like they are actual shoes.

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These are slippers for watching TV in, Kate Moss.

27. And finally, the best bus seat is top deck, front right, where you can drive the bus.

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WHY DID WE NOT HAVE DOUBLE-DECKER BUSES AT HOME?!