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The 30 People Who Will Ruin Your Life In London Houseshares

In a way, it's sort of like 'Nam.

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1. The guy who sets up a tent in the lounge and lives in it.

The Simpsons / 20th Century Fox / Via

NB. He's not the same guy who sleeps in the garden for a week in a sleeping bag and never explains why.

2. The one no one actually liked in the interview but who came with a microwave and a pizza oven.

Bullseye / Challenge ITV /

Some interviewees are A-list despite everything about them.

3. The one person who knows when a line has been crossed cleaning-wise, will sigh, and leave a single Post-It.

The Office / NBC / Via

The Post-It will be ignored and eventually fall into that space between the fridge and the wall. You'll find it long after they moved out and feel nothing.

4. The one who will disappear after a month along with your TV, PlayStation, and all but one of your DVDs.

High Fidelity / TouchStone Pictures / Via

You will question your purchase of Under the Tuscan Sun for as long as you live.

5. The housemate who says that shampoo is a conspiracy and your body is self-cleaning.

The Office / NBC / Via

The patchouli stink will seep through floors and last lifetimes and future housemates will say "what is that" and you will say "it doesn't matter, the nightmare is over".

6. The one who lived with you very briefly but whose mail you're still receiving six years later. / Via

You don't remember anything about their personality but have a Frankenstein's Monster of a memory constructed from the plus-size bra catalogues for over 50s and the psoriasis magazines.

7. The bicycle mechanic who has upwards of 50 bikes but only two of them are whole bikes. / Via

He will have bike chain around his ankle and repeatedly wash a single pair of underpants featuring people having sex with bikes. Whoever moves into his room after him will chisel the stickers of bikes off magnolia walls but live with the smears of grease forever.

8. The one who moved out of home without learning that detergent needs to be rinsed out of clothes.

Seinfeld / NBC / Via

They can be found snapping jeans over their knee before wearing them.

9. The one who decides to be a lesbian just for the politics.

Bridesmaids / Universal Pictures / Via

She won't let men with beards in the house, or bacon. But only for like three months or something.

10. The one who can't walk past some free furniture in the street and provides the house with several brown sofas.

Friends / Comedy Central / Via

Quantity > quality.

11. The angry one who decorates the house walls with several punch holes.

These can be hidden with strategically placed Tournée Du Chat Noir posters because no shitty houseshare is a shitty houseshare without a Tournée Du Chat Noir poster.
Théophile-Alexandre Steinlen / Via

These can be hidden with strategically placed Tournée Du Chat Noir posters because no shitty houseshare is a shitty houseshare without a Tournée Du Chat Noir poster.

12. The small hairy one who will wax his entire body and spend 20 hours soaking in a Dettol bath having regrets.

Romeo + Juliet / 20th Century Fox / Via

Separate toilets were invented because of this housemate.

13. The one who cooks fish, only fish.

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NB. Sometimes Fish Fingers.

14. The one who hates doing dishes so much they pack the dirty dishes into a cardboard box and add it to the sea of boxes in the basement.

Ellen / Warner Bros. / Via

15. The medical student who will leave lung samples in the communal fridge overnight.

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16. The posh one who is slumming it for fun but whose bedroom is entirely furnished with 19th Century antiques.

Jeeves & Wooster / ITV / Via

His parents helped him move in the legit feather duster poking out of a brass vase given to him by a great aunt with a name like Agatha.

17. The one who thinks a bouzouki is an acceptable household instrument to play at 3AM.

Anchorman / DreamWorks / Via

18. The performance artist who will leave jars of frozen jizz in the freezer for performance art reasons.

Jimmy Kimmel Live / ABC / Via

19. The one who routinely steals cheese by maintaining the same aspect ratio of the original block.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia / FX / Via

20. The post-breakup mess who just wants a friend to cuddle on the sofa.

The Shawshank Redemption / Columbia Pictures / Via

In the interview she will promise to bake cupcakes and at the time she says it you will be hungry*.

*You will never learn from this mistake and will never remember to have snacks on hand during the interview no matter how long you live like this.

21. The Zooey Deschanel who will put eyes on everything in the fridge because she's so kooky.

The New Girl / 20th Century Television / Via

All 12 eggs.

22. The one who may or may not still live with you, you're not sure, but all of their stuff is here and you haven't seen them in about six months.

Psycho / Paramount Pictures / Via

Still, there's less of a queue for the shower.

23. The one who thinks underpants are communal.

South Park / Comedy Central / Via

You're really OK with your balls rubbing against the same patch of material as someone else's balls?

24. The rich American.

Girls / HBO / Via

They will disappear for three months in the summer just like in the movies and it will blow your minimum wage mind.

25. The one who never comes out of their room because they're too busy on Chat Roulette wearing a sombrero and getting their dick out.

Seinfeld / NBC / Via


26. The amateur taxidermist who will fill the freezer with things you don't want to know about.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia / FX / Via

27. The housemate who is just always having sex.

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In all houseshare situations this housemate is never you, despite rules of probability saying that there are probably people having less sex than you somewhere.

28. The DJ who watched Nathan Barley while living at home in Hull.

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29. The "entrepreneur" who is the "CEO" of a "start-up" that you will ask him about in the kitchen exactly once.

Liz & Dick / Lifetime / Via

30. You, when you're like:

RuPaul's Drag Race / World of Wonder Productions / Via

When you say this, you're not moving out for another two years. Buckle up.