1.
[son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's that Son: it's our house Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?
2.
can i get uuuuuh one unhappy meal
3.
genie: please no millipede: more legs
4.
5.
This is the weirdest tom and jerry memorabilia I've ever seen. It's too minimalist it looks like it's from their we… https://t.co/XFMt8DMD2p
6.
*Tucks shirt in* "Goodnight, shirt."
7.
Delivery guy: Could I use your toilet? Me: Yes sure it's the door under the stairs. Delivery guy: Which one? Me: Er… https://t.co/GOtRgbkxsd
8.
9.
I guess I'm not going to Target anymore
10.
When you're trying to summon a bat demon but there's a typo in your spell book
11.
imagine having sex and he says "say my name baby" but his name is gilbert
12.
Bröther may i have a Töwel
13.
[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large
14.
i failed at sneaking out
15.
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
16.
Oh my god this guy in this bathroom wearing a cowboy hat just greeted me with a "howdy brother" and I panicked and I said "yee haw"
17.
is this how shredded cheese is made
18.
just seen a sponge bob show on the tv. why the yellow man don't leave the octopus alone
19.
"I'd like you to paint me a cat." "A what?" "A cat. You do know what a cat is, right? You've seen a cat?" "Uh, yeah… https://t.co/RiTvmjM0Uy
20.
Fucking weird that if you wanna get to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping
21.
prank caller: is your refridgerator running ? me: how did you know i had a fridge
22.
*bangs toe* *never calls toe again*
23.
24.
really just spent two minutes like "why would you shame someone with tuna?"