We all know that becoming a parent doesn't come with one straightforward manual, and there are a whole lot of experiences no one can prepare you for. I recently wrote about some of the aspects of having a newborn I wasn't prepared for, and then I asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell me their biggest surprises about having a new baby. Here's what they said:
1. "Breastfeeding is hard! It feels like it should be such a natural process, where mom produces milk and baby is born knowing how to latch and feed. But no, just no. It’s a frustrating and painful learning curve for you both, and sometimes the milk just never really comes in. Also, pumping is the absolute worst, IMO."
2. "The immediate loss of autonomy was a shock. I never expected to miss being able to do whatever or go wherever I wanted at any moment. A quick trip to the store stopped being possible when I had my son. Brunch with girlfriends has to be planned weeks in advance. It was a surprising adjustment."
3. "That your life begins to revolve around your baby’s naps. That was a surprise to me. Also all the sleep regressions and how difficult it is just to get a baby to sleep."
4. "Not everything you set out to do before the baby comes actually works out the way you planned it. For instance, breastfeeding for a certain amount of time is a great goal to have, but sometimes it’s just not in the cards. Sometimes you plan for a vaginal birth, and it results in a cesarean no matter what you do! Babies do not follow your plans!"
5. "I didn’t understand how tired I would feel. Everyone tells you how you will be tired, and you try to mentally prepare for it. But the tired I felt was a whole new level of tired. I was so tired and so emotional that I could barely form a sentence or a thought. I felt stupid because I couldn’t concentrate on anything."
6. "I was truly surprised by so much, like how lonely, exhausting, and difficult postpartum is. It's one thing to prepare yourself for it and another to actually experience it. No matter how much help you have, you're going to be sleep-deprived. Your hormones are raging, and you are bleeding for roughly six weeks. There is a reason why maternity leave is 12 weeks, because that's how long it takes for your body to begin healing, even though full recovery takes much longer. There is immense pressure to lose the baby weight, and to be the same person you were before you had your baby. But you are forever changed for good and bad. It was all worth it in the end, but it was a lot."
—Anonymous
7. "That sleep is not linear. Just because your baby sleeps through the night at two months doesn't mean they'll be sleeping through the night at four or six months."
8. "I was surprised that I was not instantly enamored with my now-3-year-old girl. I was overwhelmed with emotion when she was first delivered, but it took me a good six months to feel that overwhelming love and connection people so fondly speak of. I attribute this to postpartum depression coupled with having a baby in the thick of the pandemic. I was not mentally prepared for either. I feel like there is a deep-rooted, societal bias against mothers that don't feel these instant connections, which made me feel worse about what I was already going through."
9. "How much I miss my husband. Yes, he’s right here, and I see him every day…but I miss ‘us’ time. I miss snuggling on the couch and stress-free bedtimes where we’d chat about the day. I just miss having the free time to connect and spend with him without the baby always being the top priority and focus."
10. "The feeling of isolation that comes with being a new mom. There is no one else in your house that went through labor, delivery, and postpartum. I felt alone in my physical pain, and then there was the experience of taking care of a newborn while still in recovery. Eventually, my partner went back to work, [and] I was alone eight hours a day with the baby. It was winter, and we didn't have a car. I struggled with feeling very alone. My partner was great and tried his best, but I didn't expect to feel so alone. People always ask how the baby is doing, but they rarely ask how you are doing."
—Anonymous
11. "I was surprised at how literally everything changed in my life in both good and bad ways. I didn't expect my relationships to change with so many people: my husband, friends, and family. I didn't expect my body to go through so much after birth (it's still working itself out after a year). But what surprised me the most was that my capacity to love grew so much bigger than I thought it could. I loved my son from the instant the doctors placed him on my chest, but it grows every single day with every little thing he learns to do or say. It's almost hard to remember my life before him."
12. "The biggest shock was how little freedom you have at first after having a baby. There are no sick days and no spontaneous plans. It gets better over time (especially with a good partner), but that first time you're sick, and you have a kid to take care of — when you're unable to stay in bed and rest — is a rough moment."
—Anonymous
13. "I didn’t know that I would lose all that luxurious hair that I kept during pregnancy! At about four months postpartum, I was in the shower and freaked out because it seemed like so much of my hair had shed into my hands. Then I found out that's totally normal."
14. "I didn't know that baby boys frequently pee as soon as you remove their diaper! I think it’s a reflex to the cold air when you take the diaper off or something? One tip is to put a washcloth or something as a little cover so it doesn’t accidentally hit you in the face."
15. "I got pregnant unexpectedly six months into dating someone. One night I was talking to a friend (who doesn't want children) about being a new mom and how I’m now finding myself making most big life decisions based on how it would benefit my son. She asked me, 'You don’t mind being an afterthought?' And no, surprisingly, I don’t. Everything I do from this point forward has him in mind, and it’s been amazing. I don’t have to sacrifice who I am; I just have to adapt to also being 'mom' in conjunction with who I already am."
16. "I remember in the early postpartum days how I struggled to accept that even if you do all the 'right' things, your baby and body may not respond for reasons beyond your control. For example, I followed all of the lactation consultant's advice for all the proper breastfeeding methods, but my body would not respond effectively. I told my fiancé that I had never worked so hard for something and still couldn't see immediate results. That’s parenting. It’s a long game."
—Anonymous
17. "The noises that babies make while they are sleeping in the first few weeks. No one tells you that the baby will be making constant cooing sounds and noises, even while sleeping. It can be quite unnerving if you don't realize that this will happen."
18. "I wish I had more warning about the mental toll of breastfeeding. I always thought breastfeeding would be such an easy, convenient, and natural thing. But it's physically exhausting, gives you insatiable hunger, and you feel like it’s all you do...because it really is. The mental aspect is very hard. Without being able to measure in ounces how much I’m feeding my baby makes me wonder if she's getting enough or too much. I'm constantly wondering if I miss an evening pump, is my supply going to drop? How hard will I have to work to build it back up if I even can? I'm very happy I’ve been able to breastfeed for four months so far and it has gotten easier, but it has never been easy. I want to stick it out if I can, but a fed baby is the best baby no matter what way works for you."
19. "That breastfeeding wouldn't be an option for me. I thought my son would just know how to latch and that my instincts would magically kick in to help him. Neither happened, and I ended up becoming an exclusive pumper, which was grueling and not at all what I wanted my first months of motherhood to be. I have overwhelming guilt and shame that I couldn't feed my son naturally. I can't help but think, what if I was living 200 years ago and didn't have a pump? My son would have starved!"
20. "The way that having a baby shifts your whole mindset and your outlook on life as a whole. Now that I have a child, I budget very differently. I try to make health-conscious choices when eating. My husband and I are very careful not to argue in front of the kids. Overall, I'm just trying to be a better human so my kids can emulate my behavior as they grow. Babies are sponges and will try to mirror everything you do."
—Anonymous
21. "I knew about postpartum depression, but I did not realize that it can present as anxiety. If you're feeling overwhelmed or out of control, please advocate for yourself with your doctor. As soon as I spoke up, I was able to get help, so if you are not feeling like yourself, make sure to get the help you need."
22. "I got really 'soft' as far as what I can handle emotionally. I used to love horror movies and true crime documentaries, and I could easily compartmentalize the bad things in the world. Now I can't handle most of those things anymore, especially if they involve babies. A single news headline from Gaza makes me cry for an hour, and an episode of Unsolved Mysteries gives me an anxiety attack. I know it's not a weakness to be empathetic, but if I don't avoid certain media, it will genuinely interfere with my ability to go about my day now."
23. "How everyone produces different amounts of breastmilk. Also, expectations around the amount of breast milk produced in the first few days of birthing a child. Some bodies have an abundance of breast milk, while some do not. It can be much more difficult than imagined to produce enough milk to provide the recommended amount of nourishment to the baby."
24. "I was shocked when I saw my son get an erection just before peeing. I never knew baby boys got erections."
25. "I was amazed at how much I loved my daughter immediately. It was (and still is after 14 years) such an intense feeling. I mean, I knew I would love her and couldn’t wait to meet her. but the intensity of it took me by surprise."
26. "It was an adjustment for my husband, especially, to realize we can't just leave the house anymore. We have to pack all the stuff the baby needs, make sure she is fed/rested, and time our departure right for all of us to go somewhere as a family. My husband has definitely adjusted, but for the first month or two, he was thrown off by the amount of prep it took just to go out."
27. "How physically demanding it is to take care of a baby. I heard stories and definitely experienced the physical pain of pregnancy, but no one warned me about the physical pain from constantly taking care of a baby day after day. My back hurts me from leaning over to pick the baby up and from breastfeeding. My shoulders are constantly tight from holding my baby."
28. And finally, "You know it theoretically going into it, but there is no break once you become a parent. Yes, a good partner and support system is so important, but there is no break from it all. This hit me hard about a month in (and not necessarily in a bad way), but it was overwhelming..."
"...You are needed every second of every day, and it’s forever (albeit ever-changing and at various levels, but it’s not like you just have to stick it out for a bit before it becomes easy). I’ve found on the really hard days that it's all about taking things second by second. It passes sooner than you think, and you absolutely can do it even when you question it. And it’s so ridiculously worth it. Cherish every moment, take a billion pictures and videos, and ignore all the chores just to giggle back and forth with your baby."
—Anonymous
Do you have something to add? I'd love to hear about something that surprised you about becoming a parent. Drop your thoughts into the comments or into this Google form.
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.