7 Ways To Survive The Last Week Of The Election

Please enjoy this day-by-day plan to help you get to the bitter and terrifying end!

7. Seven days to go: Warm up your weeping muscles with some uncontrollable weeping!

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With one week left until polling day, you might as well get a head start on weeping uncontrollably. Whichever way the election goes, you're going to need your weeping muscles to be supple, lithe, and strong.

But remember, there are many ways to weep, and you need to be ready for all scenarios. To that end, make sure to practise weeping both in public and in private, surrounded by friends and unbearably alone, for short bursts of time AND for the terrifying expanse of the future. No pain, no gain!

6. Six days to go: Deny that America even exists.

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With six days left and your weeping muscles all warmed up, it's a great time to deny that there is any election, that there has ever been an election, or that the United States of America exists or has ever existed.

What doesn't exist can't hurt you!

5. Five days to go: Smear yourself with mud and glitter and run naked through your place of work.

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This is sure to distract you AND your co-workers from the horrors that await.

4. Four days to go: Build up your upper-body strength with some push-ups.

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Look, we won't know what the end times will look like EXACTLY until they are truly upon us, but it's safe to say having enough upper-body strength to skilfully wield a club will be a big plus.

3. Three days to go: Shivering.

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With three days to go, the time will be right to begin shivering, and to continue shivering for the next 76 hours.

You will not be sure exactly why you are shivering, or what shivering might accomplish – yet your whole body will be consumed with trembling as if your very soul is trying to escape from it.

Do not try to resist the shivering.

2. Two days to go: Just hide.

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Findy a hidy-hole and hide yourself snugly within it. Do not make a noise, or they will hear.

1. One day to go: Projectile vomiting.

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With one day left until the election, it's obvious that the only thing left to do will be a continuous stream of projectile vomiting. Not little wimpy sicks, the kind you do out the car window on a windy mountain road. And not even big sicks, like that time when you ate That Thing.

No, you must ring in the election with the proper projectile vomiting that this election deserves. Vomit with a terrifying, unstoppable force. Vomit with such reckless abandon that your barf will strike your television from across the room and block out the horrible news.

Then pass out from the force of your vomiting, and awake to find yourself in a brave new world.

Good luck, everyone!