Skip To Content
    Posted on Aug 27, 2016

    62 Things All Lifeguards Have Pondered At Work

    Hmmmmm...is that a turd?

    1. Wait, how is my break over already? Ugh, time for another rotation I guess.

    2. Better lather up on the old sunscreen before I get out there. I’ve got enough weird tan lines already.

    3. Right. Staring at the water. Water water water. Kids kids kids. Water water water.

    4. Look at that little weirdo, he definitely thinks he’s a dolphin. Ha ha. Bless him.

    5. OH GOD HE TRIED TO DIVE AND DID A BELLY FLOP. Worst dolphin ever tbh.

    6. Oh wow, look at that 10/10 babe over there.

    7. Hey there 10/10 babe. I’m protecting you right now. You’re welcome.

    http://shardwick.tumblr.com/post/90573673140/not-another-one-among-us-wouldve-ever-in-a

    8. Crap I have been looking at this one 10/10 babe for a really long time, quick scan of everyone else in the pool.

    9. JESUS CHRIST THAT KID IS DEFINITELY DEAD!

    10. Oh wait just playing that “how long can I hold my breath and float face down for” game.

    11. Dick.

    12. God, I’m so bored. I’m so so so so bored.

    13. Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.

    14. Ugh, look at that parent totally ignoring their tiny kid.

    15. PARENT. YOUR TINY CHILD IS STRUGGLING AND YOU ARE JUST CHATTING TO YOUR STUPID PARENT FRIENDS.

    16. OK if they don’t notice their struggling kid I’m gonna have to go yell at them.

    17. Come onnnnn pleeeaassseee notice your flapping about kid trying to get your attention, I don’t waaaannnntttt tooooo gooo ooovvveerrr therrrrreeee.

    18. Although...if I DID have to rescue that kid, I’d be such a hero.

    19. I’d be interviewed in the local paper. "It was scary, but I saved that kid's life."

    20. Everyone would love me.

    21. Either that or I’d just get yelled at by the parents who would deny there was any problem at all. Yeah that’s more likely isn’t it?

    22. Oh, good, your kid made it to the side of the pool and is clinging desperately to the side, and there you are, totally unaware of your precious baby’s struggle.

    23. Dicks.

    24. Oh look, Hot Alex just turned up for his shift.

    25. Hey Hot Alex.

    26. Maybe we’ll both work late tonight.

    27. Maybe we’ll fall in love.

    28. Maybe me and Hot Alex will get married and live in Spain.

    29. Our kids would be so well protected whenever we’d go to the pool or the beach together. They’d be strong swimmers. They’d follow the rules.

    30. Shit, I’ve been thinking about Hot Alex instead of watching the pool. Quick scan.

    31. Everyone’s fine, phew.

    32. Everyone except for YOU TERRIBLE KIDS RUNNING AROUND EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU EXPLICITLY TO WALK.

    33. God, I love yelling “walk”. It’s such a satisfying word to yell.

    34. GOD DAMN YOU CHILDREN, I SAID WALK, WALK OR YOU’RE GONNA FALL DOWN AND SPLIT YOUR STUPID FACES OPEN AND I’M GONNA HAVE TO PUT ON SWEATY LATEX GLOVES AND WIPE THE STUPID CHILD BLOOD OFF YOUR STUPID CHILD FACES.

    35. Yesss their nerd friend is telling them to follow the rules so they don’t get kicked out. I love you, nerd kid!

    36. I bet nerd kid and thinks-he's-a-dolphin kid would get along really well.

    37. Hmmmm...is that…...is that a turd over there?

    38. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

    39. Lemme take a look.

    40. Nope, not a turd, just a mark on the bottom of the pool.

    41. Darn, I kinda love fishing out the turds. And you get to kick everyone out for a while!

    42. Better luck next time, I guess.

    43. THANK JESUS, MY ROTATION IS DONE. See you in 15 minutes, swimmers. Stay safe.

    44. Better check the changing rooms for bodies.

    45. No bodies! Nailed it. Time for a nice sit in the shade.

    46. Wait, how is my 15 minutes up already?

    47. At least 10/10 babe is still in the pool. You just love swimming, don’t you, 10/10 babe?

    48. Speaking of 10/10 babes, I’m on rotation at the same time as Hot Alex. Glad you can’t see my staring through my super-shiny sunglasses, Hot Alex.

    49. Crap, I’ve been staring at Hot Alex for five minutes. Scan scan scan.

    50. Uh oh, backstroker.

    51. Will she or won’t she smack her head on the side of the pool?

    52. 3….2…..1…...OH you looked round just in time.

    53. You’re playing it cool, backstroker, but you and I both know you were about a half second from smacking your head. Again.

    54. Hmmmm is THAT a turd?

    55. Yeah ok, that one is *definitely* human poo. Better clear the pool and get the net!

    56. God, I’m so good at fishing out turds. My aim, my balance. I’m like a fencer or something, but with a giant pool net. I should put this on my CV.

    57. Ha ha, I’m being yelled at by a parent who wants to know why I kicked their kids out the pool. Cause of the giant shit, idiot! Ha ha I love it when this happens.

    58. Darn, looks like we’ll have to shut down the pool to let the chemicals do their shit-cleaning magic. Whaaaat a shame!

    59. Ooh, Hot Alex just suggested getting ice cream since we have nothing to do. Why yes, Hot Alex. Yes I will get ice cream with you, you glowing, bronzed God.

    60. Maybe we’ll kiss after we get ice cream. And fall in love. And it was all thanks to the poo in the pool.

    61. At our wedding, we’ll be like, “it was allll thanks to the big poo in the pool."

    62. Thanks, whoever shat in the pool. You’re the real MVP.

    BuzzFeed Daily

    Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!

    Newsletter signup form