41 Things Poor Defeated Zac Goldsmith Is Probably Doing Today
In a year when the right has won basically every election, let's pause to remember the right-winger who managed to lose two.
1. Visiting a garden centre to buy more worms for his compost heap, muttering, “They can’t take my compost heap away from me.”
2. Getting home from the garden centre, releasing his worms into his compost heap, and sitting with his emotions for a while, watching how happy they are when they wriggle.
3. Kicking the compost heap in a sudden fit of rage, then feeling bad and hoping he didn't hurt any of the worms. It’s not their fault.
4. Staring into the distance, a single tear in his eye, trying to compose the first line of an achingly sad poem in his head, and then weeping even harder when the words just won’t come.
5. Consoling himself about the poem thing by rolling around in a big pile of money.
6. Trying to visualise what 23,000 people looks like, i.e., the size of the majority he lost. How many buses would they fill? How big are buses anyway?
7. Texting friends and colleagues to ask, “Am I still handsome?”
8. Searching American job boards.
9. Ordering comfort oysters off Ocado.
10. Idly looking up domain names and registering fuckitbuildninerunways.com
11. Driving to Hounslow to chuck bottles at planes.
12. On his way to Hounslow, stopping at a red light and noticing an old lady on a mobility scooter on the pavement next to him. Heh, he thinks to himself, here’s a race I can win! The lights change, and he tries to gun his engine, but with a feeling of horror he hears the engine sputter and then stall. As he sits immobile at the green light, the sound of furious honking behind him, he watches the old lady vanish into the distance. Oh Zac, he thinks to himself.
13. Replacing the faded, pockmarked picture of Sadiq Khan on his antique dartboard with a shiny new picture of Tim Farron.
14. Watching two flies on a windowsill in his huge mansion, and having a little bet with himself about which one will take off first. He bets on both of them. At least I can definitely win this! he thinks to himself sadly.
15. Waiting as a long time passes.
16. Realising that both of the flies have died.
17. Wondering if he should just move to the south of France like he always dreamed of, then remembering Brexit.
18. Going out for a pint with David Cameron, thinking it could be nice, but then only managing a quiet conversation about how cold it is outside before falling completely silent.
19. Thinking “Bet I can drink my pint more quickly than Davo!”
20. Losing the secret pint-drinking contest he’d come up with in his head.
21. Wondering if he should just move to a sunny bit of Spain, then remembering again.
22. Driving in the dead of night to Tim Farron’s house, parking outside it, and looking in through the window at the happy family scene.
23. Feeling very alone.
24. Reading some UKIP flyers that were popped through his door and thinking, They have a lot of fair points about migration, actually.
25. Remembering what 2015 felt like. It felt warm.
26. Remembering when he was only a mild-mannered, eco-friendly Tory MP. It really wasn’t that long ago.
27. Deciding to console himself with a visit to his local pub, a warm and friendly community hub with which he has a deep personal connection, as he is a man of the people. All his good friends there will cheer him up, over a pint of warm, sturdy ale!
28. Walking the five minutes down leafy lanes to the pub, where he sees a sign on the door. “Tonight: Zac Goldsmith Lookalike Competition!” it says, “£50 bar tab first prize.”
29. Staring at the sign for the Zac Goldsmith lookalike competition and thinking, Oh ho, Zaccy-boy, your ship has well and truly come in tonight! Quids-in here, old chap.
30. Striding through the door with a new, confident swagger, shoulders held high, feeling bold and fearless for the first time all day.
31. Coming third in the Zac Goldsmith Lookalike Competition.
32. Ordering comfort pheasant off Ocado.
33. Roasting the comfort pheasant and enjoying it with a nice glass of dry pinot gris.
34. Going to throw the carcass away, but then welling up and cuddling it on the floor of his expansive yet tasteful kitchen.
35. Cooing to it, and whispering, “You still love me, phezza old pal.”
36. Murmuring, “You don’t think I’m racist.”
37. “You love me more than you love the Lib Dems.”
38. Pulling himself together and having a nice bubble bath.
39. Wondering if he can stay in the bath long enough to get pruney fingers.
40. Thinking “It’ll be a fun competition with myself!”
41. Giving up before his fingers get pruney.