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How To Tell The 13 White Men In Trump's Cabinet Apart

There are a lot of white men in Trump's cabinet, but it's important to remember which one is which.

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Inauguration Day has come and gone, so it's time to figure out how to tell apart all the middle-aged white men in Trump's cabinet.

President-elect Donald Trump's Cabinet will be the most white, male Cabinet since 1989

Trump has said his cabinet has "by far the highest IQ of any cabinet ever assembled", which is very exciting news, and all the more reason to sit down and try to work out once and for all which white man is which!

There are a lot of them, but don't worry – we'll take it one old white guy at a time.

1. Let's start with Alabama senator and Trump's pick for attorney general Jeff Sessions.

Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images

To remember which one Jeff Sessions is, just imagine the look of an old man in a restaurant who's angry that his soup is too hot.


3. And then there's businessman Andy Puzder, the nominee for labor secretary.

Jason Kempin / Getty Images

To remember what Andy Puzder looks like, get a 5-year-old child to draw a man wearing glasses. Snatch the paper away after 30 seconds whether or not the child has finished.

4. Next we have former governor of Texas and future secretary of energy Rick Perry.

Kena Betancur / AFP / Getty Images

To imagine what Rick Perry looks like, imagine a celebrity divorce lawyer who actually causes the divorces in the first place. With his penis.

“That was pretty fun,” he says, as he leaves your bedroom in the LA hills. “By the way, here’s my card.”

5. Then there's Montana representative and nominee for secretary of the interior Ryan Zinke.

Kena Betancur / AFP / Getty Images

To remember what Ryan Zinke looks like, imagine your own face when you see your crush being friendly to someone else.

6. Ryan Zinke is not to be confused with former deputy secretary of veterans affairs and nominee to head the VA David Shulkin.

Dominick Reuter / AFP / Getty Images

For Shulkin, imagine a man who just saw his investors being nice to someone else.


7. Good! Now for former partner at Goldman Sachs and nominee for treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin. This one's easy!

Drew Angerer / Getty Images

To imagine what Steve Mnuchin looks like, think back to that one creepy guy in the club who was wearing sunglasses for some reason, even though he was indoors and it wasn't even sunny outside. And it was night.

8. What about former Exxon Mobil CEO and nominee for secretary of state Rex Tillerson?

Ben Stansall / AFP / Getty Images

To remember what Rex Tillerson looks like, imagine a man who was asked when he was 8 what he wanted to be when he grew up, and replied "an international oil executive."

Either that or imagine an angry wizard.

9. Yes, that's a lot of white men to remember! But there's still more, so stay focused. Next up: retired general and secretary of defense James Mattis.

Aaron P. Bernstein / Getty Images

For Mattis, imagine you are on a plane. You take your seat, get settled, and strike up a friendly conversation with the man next to you. He seems nice!

About a half hour into the flight, though, the kindly man starts telling you a slightly dodgy war story and you get a bit uncomfortable. When he whispers "and then we crushed them utterly, utterly, utterly" you accidentally knock over your white wine, apologise profusely, and excuse yourself politely to use the toilet even though the seatbelt sign is on. When you return to your seat, he is sound asleep.

That's what James Mattis looks like.


11. Next we have Georgia representative and nominee for secretary of health and human services Tom Price.

Mark Wilson / Getty Images

To remember what he looks like, imagine the man in your life who most loves Christmas.

12. Then there's the new secretary of homeland security, John Kelly.

To remember what John Kelly looks like, imagine a Death Eater who didn't really bother to look for Voldemort before he got his body back, then kind of turned up with a bullshitty excuse about how he had "always remained totally loyal and committed to helping the Dark Lord's return to power". (He was actually sitting around at home enjoying a quiet family life.)

13. Next, there's Vice President Mike Pence.

Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images

If you can recognise ANY of these middle-aged white men, it's probably Mike Pence. But don't feel bad if you can't! These men look remarkably similar.

To remember Pence, you could just close your eyes and imagine a cartoon villain, but the problem is, that’s what MOST middle-aged white men look like. Instead, imagine a boss who is very pleased that his younger subordinate, Jacob, let him win at tennis. Then imagine a boss who is very pleased that Jacob lets him win at tennis every single week.

There you have it: Mike Pence's face.

That's it! That's all of them. Now go forth into the world with a firm knowledge of which white guy is which in Trump's cabinet.