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How Crap Are You At Cooking?

This is for all the cooks out there who cut off the most burned bits and serve it anyway.

Posted on
  1. Tick off all the things you have done.

    Check
    Tried to make rice and failed spectacularly.
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    Tried to make toast and failed spectacularly.
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    Tried baking cookies and failed spectacularly.
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    Swapped baking soda for baking powder, just ‘cause.
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    Given someone indigestion.
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    Given someone full-blown food poisoning.
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    Cut yourself while chopping vegetables.
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    Grated yourself while grating cheese.
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    Burned the shit out of yourself.
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    Put metal in the microwave.
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    Considered a meal to be “fancy” that was just pasta and a fancier-than-usual sauce from a jar.
    Check
    Considered a meal to be “fancy” that was a fancier-than-usual packet of ramen noodles.
    Check
    Thought you were really posh because you added salt and/or pepper to something.
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    Had cereal for dinner.
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    Had leftover dinner for breakfast.
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    Brought home lots of nice, fresh ingredients only to order food anyway.
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    Just eaten your raw ingredients one by one because you couldn’t be bothered to cook them together.
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    Dropped everything you made on the floor.
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    Dropped everything you made on the floor, picked it up and eaten it anyway.
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    Served something to your loved ones that was really, really overdone.
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    Served something to your loved ones that was basically raw.
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    Held a dinner party where you suspected everyone was deeply unhappy with your culinary creation.
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    Made “soup” that was basically hot water with a bit of stock and some pasta floating in it.
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    Made “macaroni and cheese” which was just pasta with some butter and cheese grated on top that went all horrible and lumpy and strange.
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    Added "cooking wine" to a dish even though you're not really sure what it's supposed to do.
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    Started a fire in your pan.
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    Started a fire in your oven.
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    Started a fire elsewhere in your kitchen.
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    Started a fire and then set something else on fire that you were trying to use to put out the original fire, like a tea towel.
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    Eaten the thing that you burned anyway, scraping off the most charred bits.
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    Melted a plastic spoon into the thing that you were cooking.
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    Melted a plastic spoon into the thing that you were cooking, and just kept cooking with it.
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    Made soggy roast potatoes.
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    Made the driest roast chicken/pork/beef in all the land.
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    Made "gravy" that looked and tasted like an abomination from the darkest depths of hell.
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    Bought a microwavable version of something incredibly easy to make, like spaghetti bolognese.
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    Blown up your porridge in the microwave.
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    Got a pancake stuck in the extractor fan.
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    Splattered sauce all over the cooker, the floor, and the walls.
    Check
    Set your hair on fire.
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    Tried to add flour to something but ended up getting it all over your hands, face, and body instead.
    Check
    Caught your hair in a whisk.
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    Wondered for quite some time why something wasn't cooking, and realising you never turned the oven on.
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    Wondered for quite some time why something wasn't cooking, and realising you had turned on the wrong ring.
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    Tried to melt Babybel cheese with the red wax still on it.
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    Put the microwave on for five minutes with nothing in it.
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    Felt deep confusion after reading the word "sauté", "poach", "braise", "simmer", or "grill" in a recipe.
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    Failed to boil water.
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    Reached an age in life when you should really know how to make scrambled eggs, but don’t.
 
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