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37 Things We Hope David Cameron Is Doing On His Last Day As PM

One last cuddle with Larry the cat.

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1. Singing his little song, “doo dooo, doo doo”.

2. Hoping that all of his cabinet members will have brought him presents for his last day.

3. Being sad when they just get him a card.

4. Wondering if he needs to wear a suit today or if he can come in in normal clothes.

5. Trying to think of ways of subtly raising the possibility that everybody bring in games on his last day.

6. Trying to remember where he put Hungry Hungry Hippos.

7. Getting everybody in 10 Downing Street to sign his tie.

8. Seeing if anyone wants to come with him after work to drink in the park.

9. Being sad when they have other plans.

10. Writing an email to “Downing Street All Staff” saying how much he’s enjoyed working with them and that he knows they’re going to keep on doing amazing work, then giving them his personal email address (daveycam1966@hotmail.com) and saying “keep in touch – and I’m sure I’ll see you in the pub some time!”

11. Leaving funny little notes for Theresa to find, saying things like “I’M WATCHING YOU” and “DON’T PRESS THIS BUTTON!!!”

12. Removing the glow in the dark stars he put up over his bed in the shape of his favourite constellation (Ursa Minor).

13. Worrying about the mould that’s been slowly growing behind his mint body wash in the shower. Hopefully Theresa won’t think he’s gross.

14. Giving the toilet a proper deep clean.

15. Stealing all the posh loo roll from the cupboard because he’s not sure where they buy it from but it’s so soft and durable.

16. Trying to remember which cutlery was his and which was already in the drawer when he moved in.

17. Running out to John Lewis to replace the 17 wine glasses he broke over the last six years.

18. Taking advantage of his last day of diplomatic immunity by parking on a double red line in front of John Lewis.

19. Saying goodbye to all of the house plants.

20. Getting a bit emotional while saying goodbye to his favourite plant, Planty.

21. Singing his little song to Planty one last time: “doo dooo, doo doo”.

22. Scratching his name into the wall at the back of his closet: “DC WOZ HERE 2010-2016”

23. Having one last cuddle with Larry the cat.

24. Running his hands over the briefcase with the nuclear launch codes in it one last time, muttering “I could, you know” to himself.

25. Taking one last selfie with the briefcase with the nuclear launch codes (with the flower crown filter).

26. Doing a face-swap with the briefcase with the nuclear launch codes.

27. Licking all the door handles, so that when he’s sad in the coming weeks, he can think about how Theresa is touching all the door handles he licked.

28. Sadly taking down his Coldplay poster.

29. Acting out little scenes when he thinks nobody’s around. “Prime minister, there’s been a terrible crisis! We need you to stay and lead us through this awful event!” he says in his best impression of cabinet secretary Sir Jeremy Heywood.

30. Looking guilty when cabinet secretary Sir Jeremy Heywood walks in just after he’s done this and worrying that he heard him.

31. At 5am, when he thinks nobody’s around, running naked into every room in 10 Downing Street as quickly as he can so that he can say he’s been naked in all the rooms.

32. Having an awkward encounter with a cleaner at 5:02am.

33. Demanding an unreasonably large breakfast on Wednesday morning.

34. Delivering some sick burns he’d been saving up for his least favourite backbenchers at his last PMQs.

35. Nipping to the loo for a going-out wee and stealing one last posh toilet paper roll while Samantha waits with the movers outside Number 10.

36. Triggering Article 50 on his way out the door, for a laugh.

37. Singing his little song one last time as prime minister, his eyes welling, his voice catching ever so slightly – “doo dooo, doo doo...doo...doo...doo”.

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