THE PUB – Soothing fears about the potential years of economic, social, and political turmoil facing the UK in the wake of Brexit, yer da confirmed on Saturday that “it’ll all be great”.
When questioned about his qualifications to make such a bold prediction that everything would be “just fine, if not better” – a claim that no economist, politician, or expert is willing to make in the face of unprecedented uncertainty – yer da reportedly said “Just look at the medals table!”, referencing the UK’s recent Olympic successes. “Did you see that Laura Trott? Top stuff.”
Three sources with knowledge of yer da’s conversations, who did not want to be identified because they were not authorised to discuss the matter, confirmed that yer da believes that now we don’t have to send all our money to Angela Merkel we will have a lot more money, stands to reason doesn’t it.
The sources added that now we don’t have to give terrorists human rights, Britain can really start to stand up for itself in the world like it used to when he was young.
It is understood that yer da’s comments came during a wide-ranging discussion down the pub on Saturday evening. “If Brexit was really such a bad thing,” yer da was reported to have said to Big Geoff and Shirley the nice new bar lady, “then would we have had such nice weather this summer? I’m not saying Nigel Farage controls the weather, but you just don’t know what to believe these days, other than that everything is obviously going to be completely fine even though we have yet to implement Brexit in any way, shape, or form.”
“It’s like that global warming, isn’t it?” yer da added. “All the so-called scientists are always banging on about global warming, but I had to wear a vest this morning. In August! A vest! One day sunny, the next day it’s not. Load of bollocks. It’s just Project Fear isn’t it.”
Brushing aside concerns about the completely unpredictable future consequences for university and science funding, subsidies for farmers and fishermen, migration policy and the status of EU nationals already in the UK, access to the single market, and trade deals outside of Europe, yer da was confident that “Well, you wouldn’t be seeing Andy Murray winning Wimbledon AND the Olympics if things were really that bad!”
Eyewitness accounts suggest yer da went on to note that modern cars just fall apart because they aren’t built to last, and that the couple who’ve just moved into Number 13 aren’t even married. He then spent five minutes trying to get a 50p into the jukebox even though it only takes pounds, multiple sources indicate.
“They said we’d all be unemployed,” yer da went on. “But how is that even possible when I’m already retired?” he chuckled to himself, before walking unsteadily back to the house that he owns and booking a nice holiday to his posh mate Clive’s cottage in France.
When approached by BuzzFeed News for comment, a spokesperson for yer da refused to deny the reports. “Oh god, has he been banging on about that again?” said yer ma, “He’s always like this after a few pints. He reckons he knows what he’s talking about because he used to play darts with that bloke who says he’s ex-SAS.”
Markets are expected to open trading several points higher in the wake of yer da's intervention.