48 Reasons Why Tights Are The Worst
Rips, tears, ladders, runs, sweats, smells, sizing and sagging.
1. Runs and ladders. There you are, minding your own business, looking fabulous. You look down, and what do you find? A great big ladder, shitting on your dreams.
2. And if you try to fix a small tear with clear nail varnish, then you just have nail varnish on your leg like a total loser.
3. Late for the train? Better run! And then sit for a day stewing in your own foul leg sweat.
4. You can't try tights on in the shop to see what they look like stretched over your own legs, leading to colour/pattern weirdness IRL.
5. If the crotch area swings low, you'll get saggy crotch syndrome (SCS).
6. If you get SCS when you're wearing a shortish skirt or dress, the fear that your saggy-crotched tights will swing lower than your hemline, and that you will be seen in this state by your enemy, is real.
7. When you try to counteract SCS by investing in tights with some serious control-top action, they cut into your middle and ruin your day.
8. Not convinced that tights are the worst? Close your eyes and imagine that one of the legs is pulling itself down lower than the other. And then you try and pull that leg up, but it keeps slipping down for some reason, so you give up and walk around with a debilitating sense of unevenness, and then you knock a hot drink over because you're so distracted.
9. It's only a matter of time before a toe tries to make its escape out of a little hole it's poked out at the end of your tights. Which feels annoying, and also looks pretty dumb.
10. The first day you wear a new pair of tights, you are legally obliged to catch your leg on a sharp table edge and rip the shit out of them.
11. You can also never cross your legs under a table without catching a splinter and ripping the shit out of them.
12. You decide to buy cheap tights, since all tights tear anyway, and take them home and rip the shit out of them on their way out of the packaging. And you say "fuck" even though you're in earshot of a small child, and then that small child says "fuck" at school next day, and they get in trouble with their teacher and cry a little, and it's all your fault for buying cheap tights.
13. Same for medium-cost tights, except you've spent more money.
14. And then when you cave and buy posh tights, it's a revelation, because they really do last, and they feel so great, and then you go and rip the shit out of them.
15. The fact that you're probably meant to handwash them. (Are you?) But in any case, when you hang them up on high rail in your bathroom to dry, you forget they're there, and then they hit you in the face in the morning and it's gross and scary because they're long and weird.
16. Peeling them off makes them go inside out and it's annoying.
17. Trying to put them back the right way round is also annoying, and a bit gross.
18. Some days, you think it will be cold, so you wear tights, but then it's hot, and it's welcome to Crotch Sweat City.
19. Sizing. They're always too small or too big or too tight or too not tight. Always. Always.
20. If you have multiple tights of the same colour, they're impossible to tell apart in your drawer. So you can't tell which one has the run in it (and which for some reason you haven't thrown away) until it's already on your damn legs and you're already late for work and it's back to square one.
21. At least once in your life, you buy patterned tights that seem like a good idea but really aren't.
22. Or you see interesting patterned tights in the shop, but don't buy them because you've been burned before, but then you see some beautiful stranger/your best friend/your enemy wearing them, and they look amazing, and you sink into a regretful malaise.
23. When you just want to buy black tights, the shop will only have bright neon ones with palm trees on them, because fashion.
24. When you want to buy nude tights, the shop may not have any that match your skin, because tights are extremely racist.
25. Oh no! You just fell down and skinned your knee while wearing tights. Enjoy having dried blood bind your tights to your wounded skin, forever.
26. Oh no! You accidentally bought knee-highs.
27. If your tights are even slightly too big, they'll start bunching near the bottom, giving you a super dark and wrinkly ankle-region, thighs that are basically sheer, and the overall appearance of melting.
28. Let's talk tights decorum for the modern woman, a perilous minefield of competing societal pressures. Sometimes you will not wear tights when you should have, and you will feel simply scandalous.
29. And sometimes, you'll wear tights when you shouldn't have, and you will feel like a nun.
30. There is no way to predict which of the above will happen before leaving the house.
31. You're never quite sure what to call them. What makes tights tights, as opposed to pantyhose? Or stockings? Why not just call them all itchy leg tubes?
32. If you're wearing tights, which hopefully you're not, felty seats on public transport will cling to you for a second when you stand up, and it's like, no stop that.
33. Those white flakey bits of god knows what at the end of the day YES I YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. (Edit: Do other people not get this?)
34. Still not convinced that tights are the absolute worst? What are you, tights? How about this then: After stepping in a bit of water on the kitchen floor when you're in your tights without your shoes, it LITERALLY NEVER DRIES. L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y.
35. Dirty tights stink up the laundry like nothing else.
36. There's just not a way to sexily remove them, I don't care what they say in films.
37. Tights are basically just an extra layer of "fuck you" when you're using the loo.
38. It's impossible to discreetly adjust them from the ankle all the way up to the waist without being seen by your enemy.
39. You can't grip to adjust them when you have short nails.
40. If you have a snag in a nail, you can't adjust them without ripping the shit out of them.
41. If you adjust them with long nails, you will rip the shit out of them.
42. If you have REALLY long nails, you can't grip them because you're trying to do it with awkward flat fingers, so you just don't adjust them, and walk around with a debilitating sense of unevenness. Again.
43. If you wear tights instead of socks in the winter, you'll have cold feet.
44. But tights + socks = sweat + the worst smell in the world.
45. And if you're REALLY cold, you'll wear two pairs of tights, and it will make weird swirls on your legs, which some women like, but others agree is the worst.
46. If there is Velcro anywhere within a 15-foot radius of where you are standing, it will fly towards you, cling to your tights, and rip the shit out of them.
47. If you are on a train carriage in which a fellow passanger has placed his or her rucksack on the floor, it will find your tights, and it will rip the shit out of them.
48. You still wear tights all the time anyway, because they're warm and practical and can look really great. This is the biggest humiliation of all. Fine, tights. You win.