23 Ways To Immediately Improve Your Relationship According To Magazines From The 90's

    Ladies!!!!

    Grace Spelman
    by Grace Spelman

    BuzzFeed Staff

    1. Are you zonked out? Did you fall asleep? Do you keep falling asleep in public? See a doctor.

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    2. You Meet. You Ignite. And It Always Goes Blooey.

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    There's Blood Everywhere. You Hear Sirens. Do You Run?

    3. The Nineties Man: If Only He Could See Past the Fake Blood and Vampire Fangs. If He Could Just Put Aside The Fact That We Go "BOO!" Every Time He Comes Home From Work, Maybe He Wouldn't Be So Afraid of Us.

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    4. "Online"

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    5. It's a pretty simple quiz. Here it is:

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    1) Does your tongue hurt?

    a. Yes

    b. No

    6. Dating used to be so easy.

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    Know If He's Your Soulmate In 6 Seconds Flat:

    - Find Out If He's Your Soulmate Based On The Amount of Croutons He Puts In His Salad At The Salad Bar.

    - Freaky Flirting: Ladies, If His Left Eye Is Twitching, It's A Good Sign.

    - Does His Nose Have Two Nostrils Or One?

    7. GUY BUTT WATCH '99.

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    I couldn't possibly add anything else to this.

    8. Ladies, write down this address. Go to it. Knock on the door three times and a woman name Isabelth will hand you a vial of liquid. Rub it on your boobs. Thank us later.

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    9. Here are some more freaky signs:

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    Clue #2: He yells at the waitress.

    Clue #3: He hates his mother!

    Clue #4: He always interrupts you.

    Clue #5: He's really jealous. (Aww, so cute!)

    Clue #6: He thinks all of your hobbies are stupid.

    10. Steal all of his belongings and then burn his house down. Now he has nowhere else to stay but your place!

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    11. This is why the nineties man is really scared of you:

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    12. "Vroom-Vroom"

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    13. Lock the Doors, Dim the Lights, Draw a Nine Foot Pentagram in His Blood, Invoke the Energy of Lucifer, Recite the Chanted Invocation, Please Him.

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    14. The #1 Thing He Craves In Bed: All of Your Time and Emotional Energy!

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    15. 6 Loving Ways He Can Go Fuck Off, Then

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    16. Here are the 5 things:

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    1. Call his mom

    2. Pull a scarf out of your mouth

    3. Do the laugh from Chucky

    4. Remind him of his dead pets

    5. Do the claps from the "Friends" theme after he finishes

    17. Oooh, so sexy!

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    Want to find a way to arouse you and your partner? Try listening to each other and being emotionally supportive. Is it hot in here or is it just me?

    18. Naughty photos:

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    1. George Clooney: Standing at the buffet but it's his third time up.

    2. Keanu Reeves: He's got his whole arm down his pants.

    3. Will Smith: Taking a dump on his son's art project.

    19. Here are some easy ways to "get over it:"

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    1. Just... get over it!

    2. Maybe try yoga?

    3. Have you ever done meditation?

    4. Just think of something happy.

    5. Get a boyfriend.

    6. Do you want to come to the gym with me? That might help.

    7. Just ignore those bad thoughts.

    8. Calm down.

    See? Simple as that!

    20. What is your hairstyle really saying??

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    Ponytail: Wow, you're a disaster.

    Side braid: What a brat.

    Middle part: Idiot.

    Messy bun: We get it, you love sailing.

    Pixie Cut: Shut up already!

    21. "YOU-KNOW-WHAT"

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    Ladies, listen up. Unzip your man's denim prison and go to town on his leg! Rub his leg. Rub essential oils on his leg.

    22. Habits to avoid:

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    1. You scream at the top of your lungs whenever the waitress brings out your food.

    2. You turn everything into a joke because humor is your defense mechanism.

    3. You start crying every time you see a dog on the internet.

    4. You talk about the Harry Potter characters as though they were your friends in real life.

    5. You comment "That's my guy!!!!!!" on all his Instagram pictures.

    23. Uh...

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    1. Squish him.

    2. Smash him.

    3. Stomp on him.

    4. Squash him.

    5. Pour water on his head.

    6. Sit on him.

    7. Run him over with your car.

    8. Hug him too hard.

    9. Put him in the dishwasher.

    10. Cover him with slugs.

    11. Cast a spell on him so he becomes a mushball.

    12. Jump on him.

    13. Put him in the pool and then delete the ladder.

    14. Say to him, "I bet you can't become a mushball." (Reverse psychology)

    15. Let him be trampled by dogs.

    16. Roll him up between your hands.

    17. Roll him between your fingers.

    18. Roll him between your feet.

    19. Put too much moisturizer on him.

    20. Pour glue on him.

    21. Pour hot marianna sauce on him.

    22. Wear him around the house to break him in.

    23. Make him sit in the sun for too long.

    24. Put him in an elevator with too many people.

    25. Put him in the freezer and then let him thaw out.

    26. Put him in the bath for too long.

    27. Fart on him too much. The gas crushes him. It's science.

    28. Put a 50 weighted blankets on top of him.

    29. Send him to a sweaty dance club.

    30. Put him in a trash compactor.

    31. Deflate him.

    32. Put him in the microwave for 60 seconds.

    33. Give him a very intense massage.

    34. Get your friends together and do a pig pile on top of him.

    35. Let him be swallowed by the sea.