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Power-Ranking This Year's Limo Exits On The Bachelorette

Drink every time there's a James.

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Monday nights are great again, people. Chris Harrison has emerged from his cryogenic sleeping chamber, the driveway has been hosed down for dramatic effect, and Jojo is back and ready to trade in her Bachelors for an MRS degree. She spends a long time staring at flowers and sitting on ocean rocks like the little mermaid before finally rising from the sea like Aphrodite and declaring herself Ready For Love (Again).

"Bring on the men!" says Jojo earnestly in this episode, twice. Is it me or is this group of guys not… stellar? Half of them look the same and half of them look like Harry Potter background extras? Anyway: here is a holistic ranking of their limo exits. Fortunately for many, I'm not taking into account their behavior once inside the mansion. How did these limo-hoppers stack up? Let's take a look.

26. Will

ABC

Oof, Will. Will fake-drops his notecards (?) on the freshly-hosed pavement and "accidentally" reads them out of order. It's apocalyptically lame. If you're going to try and pull these kinds of shenanigans you have to be a better actor. Will also reminds me of every single camp counselor I've ever known and I can't even pinpoint why.

25. Jonathan

ABC

I respected Jonathan for wearing a kilt (A real thing to do if you're Scottish! He does not deserve all the shit he eventually gets for this! Everyone makes fun of him for "wearing a skirt" - isn't it so fun and quirky how our society finds femininity degrading??) and for being maybe the first even-half-Asian I've seen on The Bachelorette, but then he said the sentence "Luckily for me, I'm Scottish below the waist." Not killer, Jonathan.

24. Evan

ABC

EW. Evan looks like what Johnny Depp would look like if he had never had an acting career. He chortles "God Bless America" and smartly doesn't tell Jojo that his job is "sad penis doctor" (erectile dysfunction specialist). I can't Evan.

22. Jojo's Dress

ABC

LISTEN. Jojo's dress is A Fine Dress. It's unoffensive, it's a good color for her skin tone, it's obviously custom-fitted and looks great on her. Fine. I would still pay twice my rent (and I live in Manhattan) to see the Bachelorette wear something other than a sparkly column gown on the first night. Look at all these sparkly column gowns! Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Whew.

20. Nick B.

ABC

'Twas the night before Monday, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even Nick B. The roses were hung by the mansion with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas B. soon would be there. <-- This is the lamest thing I have ever written, but, listen: I am not sober. Anyway - Nick B. thought and he thunk and he thinked some more about how on earth he was going to introduce himself to his future wife and then he thought Hey - my name is Nick, like Saint Nick. Yeah. That's really good. That's really good. Unsurprisingly, the Santa suit doesn't go that well for Nick B. Jojo Claus can't even tell what he looks like under his never-ending Strega Nona-pasta pile of a beard. He will not last long. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good Nick B.

17. Peter

ABC

We see almost nothing of Peter (that GIF is his ENTIRE APPEARANCE) but I give him props for being the only guy to wear a tan suit. Dare to be different! Peter gives Jojo a stuffed heart and says he wants to be her Man Crush Monday. It makes even less sense the more you think about it.

16. Daniel

ABC

I mean, Daniel is awful as the evening progresses, but other than somehow saying "Bachlelorlette," his limo exit is relatively tame. I will mention that there are in fact two Canadians this season, and where one of them has an actual job, Daniel's is just listed as "Canadian." A professional Canadian! What a time to be alive! I'm surprised he was able to take this much time off work.

15. Coley

ABC

I watched this episode with four other young women and when Coley stepped out of the limo, we all went "oh" in this particularly disappointed tone and solemnly took sips of our cocktails. Coley reminds me a lot of Beans from Even Stevens. Sorry??

14. Derek

ABC

Derek looks a lot like John Krasinski. More specifically, Derek looks like the John-Krasinski-if-he-were-Israeli looking dude that my sister made out with when she was a camp counselor. I think that guy has dreadlocks now. Derek is pretty boring.

13. Ali

ABC

Listen up, kids. Ali is probably getting eliminated next week but I… love him? His Instagram name is "aliwantsaredonuts," for Chris Harrison's sake. He is so cute and earnest and he's Persian which is the super most fun. His introduction is pretty rocky, t b perfectly h, and I was bummed that he never brought up to Jojo that they share a heritage other than "Plain Bagel Caucasian." Or, actually, he probably did, and they probably edited it out. Remember when they made it a whole season without letting it slip that Andi actively practices Judaism? It's like they're saying "yes, you don't technically have to be white and Christian to be the lead, but you better get highlights and drop the talk about your family and culture right quick." Fake it 'til you make it, as they say. I wish they would let Jojo be more Persian! My best friend is Persian and her mom always brings us chai tea and cookies when we have playdates even though we are twenty-two years old! It's incredible! Once you go Persian, there's no other version! I don't even remember which contestant I'm talking about.

12. Chase

ABC

Chase wears a fake mustache and tells Jojo "I mustache you a question," a joke which has not been funny since 2013. Chase also looks exactly like everyone else. There are at least ten scruffy faux-athletes with light brown hair. I cannot be bothered to keep them all straight. This is not why I went to college. (Sidenote: or is it?)

11. James Taylor

ABC

James Taylor's song sucks. Why are they letting him go by James Taylor? James Taylor is a famous singer? This is not that James Taylor? I know there are a lot of Jameses, but call him James T., maybe? What is going on? What happened to the real James Taylor??

10. Chad

ABC

I am not at all convinced that the producers didn't make this guy change his name to Chad just for the sake of drama (Jojo's notorious "I left u a note" ex is also named Chad). Who names their kid Chad anymore? It sounds like a fake name that was invited only for TV villains. Anyway. Chad can barely form English words and makes a lot of intense eye contact which I think scares Jojo into eventually giving him a rose. He's like a very GQ-looking toddler bully.

8. Vinny

ABC

Vinny wears a very bad purple tie and gives Jojo a toast. Like a literal piece of toast. He gives her toasted bread. I would love this, personally, but I'm sure Jojo doesn't eat carbs.

7. Sal

ABC

CONTROVERSIAL OPINION: I THOUGHT THE BLUE BALLS JOKE WAS HILARIOUS. I also once cried laughing watching Father of the Bride: Part 2, so take that with a flake of Maldon sea salt, but still.

6. Christian

ABC

Christian rides in on a motorcycle and Jojo yelps "I feel a bad boy!" with more joy than I've ever seen from her. Christian is not a bad boy, unfortunately: he is a telecom consultant. Also, I know this wasn't part of his limo exit, but Christian introduces himself with the sentence "I grew up biracial." I beg your pardon?! Did you grow out of it? So strange!!!

4. Jordan

ABC

Jordan "Aaron's Little Brother" Rodgers is objectively a Very Hot Guy. He's also a Former Pro Quarterback. He's also a CHEATER!! You heard it here first! Gossip aside, Jordan's limo exit goes very well for him. Not only is he given the coveted first-out-of-the-limo slot - past firsties include Sean Lowe, Marcus Grodd, human airplane snack Ben Higgins - he also prompts Jojo to mouth "he's hot" about seven times. Jordan tells Jojo that his parents met and got engaged "after just a few months," which is… sort of similar to the five-ish weeks they spend shooting The Bachelorette? I mean, it's not, but, okay.

3. Luke

ABC

Luke rides up on a unicorn. Luke rides HORSES! Luke is from TEXAS! Luke is a FARMER! Luke is a VETERAN! Luke is THE NEXT BACHELOR! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! My friends all found him super hot but I think he looks like a stretched-out British orphan, like that kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Charlie.

2. Wells

ABC

The Wells Fargo Wagon rolls into town and out emerges Wells, who looks like a tiny preemie adult who is maybe made up of two fourth graders standing on each other's shoulders inside a suit. I don't know. Wells whips out an acapella group made up of men who were not attractive enough to be on The Bachelorette. I would be a lot more impressed if Wells sang with them, but, whatever. Also, the tenor is out of tune.

1. Robby

ABC

Robby seems like a homeboy, honestly. In a nod to the greatest television moment of all time, Robby brings Jojo some wine and they drink straight from the bottle. "My mom will like him," says Jojo. Same, girl. Robby wins this round for doing his research and bringing Jojo a treat.

All in all, nothing that impressive nor offensive. I think Jojo will have no trouble finding a stubbly brunette that she'll be happily engaged to for six months, give or take. Still, I'm left with many questions I'd love to ask Chris Harrison over mocktails. Like, was Peter eliminated just for wearing a tan suit? What's going to come of all this Jordan drama? Which James is going to turn out to be gay? Will Jojo's mom come back, maybe for a vineyard date? Who ate Vinny's toast?

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