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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 8

"Why is he so spicy?"

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This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo is invited into the hometowns and hearts of her remaining four boyfriends. Chase reveals that he lives alone on the top of a mountain like the Grinch. Luke and his family roast Alex on a spit and serve him to Jojo with a tangy sauce as a Texan gesture of goodwill. Jojo says the name "Aaron" more times than Aaron Carter in the 2000 party pop anthem "Aaron's Party (Come Get It)." Robby orders a custom American Girl Doll that looks just like Jojo and strokes her hair in the backseat of his personal carriage.

Will any of these families reject the idea of their sons marrying a very standard balayage-haired lady? Will Mrs. Rodgers reveal that her son Aaron has been dead for four years in a kind of Cain & Abel twist? Where is Chad these days? Why does Chase keep calling his stepdad "Coach?" Hop into your horse-drawn carriage and let's get started.


8. Chase (Last Week: 7)


Jojo rolls up to Chase looking all Heidi-like atop a snowy mountain, which is honestly not what I expected (I thought Chase maybe lived under a rock like Patrick Star). Chase is like "Seriously so happy you're here but I need you to understand that I come from a broken home," and I'm like what does this mean, Chase? That the two robots who designed you are literally broken? Turns out it means that his parents are divorced, and they're so aggressively divorced that they don't speak and Jojo will have to meet his parents separately. This is actually really interesting to me because I don't remember this ever happening on this show - usually when a contesticle's parents are divorced they still all get together for a faux-easygoing kebab dinner or whatever. Dad's up first. I start to wonder what happened with Chase's parents when LO AND BEHOLD, Chase literally goes "So, Dad - what happened with you and mom?" Like, okay. Your parents got divorced when you were eight, but, okay. Let's entertain the idea that this is the first time you've wondered this. Daddy Chase says something boring and it's time to meet Chase's mom! Mommy Chase has been waiting to be featured on a hometown date since season 13 of this show. You can tell she's been practicing her lines in the mirror like some insane Black Swan wannabe for weeks. Mommy Chase has also had a lot of plastic surgery but who am I to judge? Maybe she only looks that way because, like Chase, she is a cyborg and not a human lady. She says that Jojo seems like a great match for Chase because she eats fish. Is Chase a bear? "I can tell you know how to have fun," says Jojo to her potential mother-in-law. Woof.

7. #TeamRoJo (Last Week: Not Ranked)


UHH. Listen. Let me slap some truth about #TeamRoJo. Robby and his family use this hashtag all over Instagram and it's so friggin' weird. There's also been multiple instances of Robby offering to pay off former contestants/other minor celebrities to endorse him on social media and use #TeamRoJo. This dude is so thirsty for fame and I don't know how to tell him that being on this show doesn't make you famous?? Like, not THAT many people watch The Bachelorette, in the grand scheme of things. At Robby's meet the family party-slash-bris, I notice that someone has had #TEAMROJO printed onto those weird wine-glass-within-those-cups-my-grandma-uses. It's insane! I mean, props to him for turning his family into a weird PR sweatshop, but man. Get this dude some Ambien and a popsicle because he needs to CHILL OUT.

6. Jojo (Last Week: 5)


THIS GIRL WANTS SUPERBOWL TICKETS AND SHE WANTS THEM NOW. She literally cannot stop talking about Aaron Rodgers. "So, Jordan, I know you've told me repeatedly that you and your brother, Aaron Rodgers, aren't close and you don't like to talk about it, but… are you sure he won't be at dinner?" "Wow, Mrs. Rodgers, you look so much like your son, Aaron Rodgers. I mean, Jordan, my boyfriend." "Your girlfriend is so pretty, Luke! Your brother, Aaron Rodgers, also has a very pretty girlfriend. Her name is Olivia Munn!" and on and on it goes. Besides being the Aaron Rodgers Thirst Christmas Special, this episode also marks the complete dissolution of my faith in Jojo's decision-making abilities. Homegirl has no idea what she's doing. You're gonna pick Chase over Luke, Jojo? CHASE? CHASE THE BEAR? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CHOOSE CHASE OVER LUKE? And her reason for eliminating Luke (well, maybe, we still don't know, cross your cowboy boots) is that he's the only one who hasn't told her he loves her?? Girl! It's been like a month! The only thing this tells you is that Luke is a sane person and not some weird social climber (Jordan) slash psychopath (Robby) slash Chase (Chase)! I actually have no idea who she's going to pick at this point - I was so sure Jordan and Luke were the frontrunners, but now Luke is donezo (again - maybe) and Jordan is losing his Aaron Rodgers gleam so who's to say? They all look exactly the same! What if she actually gets engaged to Chase? Oh my god.

5. Jordan (Last Week: 1)


His PANTS. I mean, his PANTS. They are so small! Jordan takes Jojo to his high school, which, of course he does. Of course his life was at its absolute peak when he was, like, fifteen. I remember when I was in Madrigals in high school (which is a REALLY COOL extracurricular choir thing where you dress up in Tudor clothing and sing to people and totally rule the school) we went to this old persons' home to sing and after we were done butchering the Portuguese language by singing a folk song about bullfighters this very old woman grabbed both of my hands and was like "This are… the best day… of your life!" I remember being chilled to the bone and being like "Oh my GOD if dressing up like a Henry VIII reject and making up Portuguese words is the golden era of my life then I would rather BURST INTO FLAMES." I actually had a really lovely time in high school because I recognized early on that everything about my school was HILARIOUS, but anyway. "This was my freshman year English classroom," says Jordan excitedly to a girl he hopes to make out with. "I got in trouble so much in this class." I bet you did, Jordan. Jordan and Jojo make out in the school library, which I'm pretty sure is an actual, prosecutable sex offense, but, whatever.

4. Robby (Last Week: 6)


I'm just gonna say what everyone is thinking: Robby collects dolls. Robby meets Jojo in some swampy-ass Florida suburb with only one of his shirt buttons buttoned, which, excuse me? They take a carriage ride through the town, which I guess is romantic if you're eleven years old and/or your favorite movie is Enchanted. They clip and they clop all the way home and Robby's seventeen siblings literally start SCREAMING like a pack of sea lions when they step on the scene. His siblings all look like identical brunette versions of the damn Von Trapp kids but Robby's hair is four shades lighter than any of theirs so either 1. He gets his hair professionally highlighted 2. He uses Sun-In or 3. He hired this family off Craigslist for the evening because he didn't feel his own family was attractive enough and/or he killed them. The majority of Robby's date is spent talking about how his ex's roommate (?) lied to the press (??) about Robby dumping his girlfriend of four years to go on TV and potentially win the chance to sell SugarBear Hair gummies on Instagram? It's all hard to follow. Robby says this cannot be true because he and his ex were over by Christmas. J'ACCUSE! There is actually a lot of evidence that they were together as late as New Year's of last year (/this year?), which means him getting cast for the show (takes months) and their relationship almost certainly overlapped. Robby says that his ex slapped him, and, look - physical violence is never okay in a relationship, and neither is victim-blaming, but like… gosh, I don't know, Robby, do you think maybe she slapped you because she found out you were dumping her for a chance to make out with her identical twin, Jojo? Anyway. Jojo believes everything Robby says because his skin is smooth like a baby's and not a hair is out of place and he can hypnotize her with his eyes like in Molly Moon. I hope Robby publicly destroys his Jojo doll if/when she sends him home.

3. Luke's Dad (Last Week: Not Ranked)


I LOVE HIM! He is the only person I have ever seen who can wear a cowboy hat and not make me want to fill it with my own vomit.

2. Luke (Last Week: 4)


Luke is soooo extra in this episode. He's really growing on me, which probably means his days are numbered. He takes Jojo to what looks like a BUMPIN' barbecue, where everyone is dressed like a fourteen-year-old girl going to a Jason Aldean concert. I love it! They play cornhole and ride horses and wear boots. It's great! Is this what Texas is like? I always thought it was just full of deserts and racists. Maybe I should move there! Luke makes a heart out of flower petals and they sway within it to the sound of a mediocre country song, which is not at all my dream but I'm sure it's somebody's. All this and Jojo STILL says she's going to send him home because he hasn't told her he loves her. The rose ceremony is held by an airplane hangar for reasons I do not understand but support, and Luke's spidey senses (read: producers) tell him that he should grab Jojo and tell her he loves her before it's too late and she banishes him to the island where they film Bachelor in Paradise. And that's where they leave us: Jojo is wearing a killer dress and sobbing on the pavement while Luke and co. look forlorn on the hangar. Cliffhangar!

1. Aaron Rodgers (Last Week: Not Ranked)


Aaron Rodgers got more mentions this episode than Chase did, honestly. Props to this dude for being a central plot point on this show without even bothering to acknowledge its existence. Aaron's face is also blurred out in all his family photos, which is hilarious and means that he actively refused to sign off on a release form. Somewhere, maybe on a Swiss mountaintop, Aaron and Olivia Munn are watching this episode and snickering while eating a nice brie en croute. They are the real winners here.


See you next Monday!

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