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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 6

"No, it's like that Italian cheese, Margherita cheese."

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This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her HoHos travel to Buenos Aires and maybe half of them think they are in Mexico. Jojo proves herself to be a Heartless Wench™ by sending home the only man I've ever truly loved (besides LeVar Burton). Luke spots an intimidating-looking matador across the plaza and distantly wonders why he looks so much like Chad.

Let me start by saying that absolutely nobody deserves to be in, like, the top five this week. This episode was WEAK TEA. All of them should be ranked #10 exactly. However, that isn't how numbers work, so I'll do the best I can. Let's begin.

10. Wells (Last Week: 8)

ABC

I feel sick to my stomach even writing this. Friends, Romans, Instagram shills, the day we always knew was coming has finally arrived. Call your kids and tell them that, yes, it's time, and yes, they can put the plane tickets on your credit card. Wells is passing on to the next world (Puerto Vallarta) and there's nothing any of us can do about it. I know you all must have a lot of questions, which I promise will be addressed at my press conference in the Rose Garden later this afternoon. But let's rewind: Wells gets a date card from Jojo that says "You better kiss me on this date or your ass is getting Eva Perón-ed right out of here." The other boys make fun of him for not having kissed her yet, which is mean and dumb of them. "I don't know how he does it; I can't keep my hands off her," boasts Robby. Haha, classic Wells! Respecting a person's bodily autonomy and being mature enough to not grope them at every given opportunity is soooo lamesauce. Wells and Jojo go to Fuerza Bruta, which is apparently a chain? There's definitely one a few blocks from my apartment, I swear to God. I always kind of thought it was a restaurant. It's not, it's a nightclub-esque horror show (?) wherein mermaid-looking girls thrash above the crowds in some kind of transparent Slip-n-Slide. Wasn't this one of the photoshoots on America's Next Top Model? Wells and Jojo get a chance to try their hand at being Fuerza Brutes and Wells Slip-n-Slides right on into Jojo's mouth. Jojo then squeals "That was it, Wells! That was the moment!" which I thought was awfully childish of her. Stop belittling the dude! He is the oldest and most normal person on this show! The remainder of the date does not go Wells for him at all. At dinner, he starts sweating like an iced coffee in the sun because he is too tender for the Argentinian heat. He then tells Jojo that his last relationship ended because they had more of a friendship than a romance, and Jojo goes "That's literally so crazy because that's exactly what I was just thinking about you. I can't give you this rose." Back at the Best Western Buenos Aires, a production assistant picks up Wells' very strange-looking suitcase (like truly, go back and look at it) and all the guys make fun of him some more. Awww. Goodnight, tender prince. You are a sweet buttermilk donut too good for this world.

9. Derek (Last Week: 10)

ABC

Awww, man. Not Jim Halpert too. Chris Harrison, who, I must say, has really taken a backseat this season, shows up and is all "We're doing something we've never done before…" and a million wonderful things flash through my head, like A. Maybe they're bringing back the exes of all the contestants to give Jojo the dirt! B. Maybe everyone's mom is there to talk Jojo out of marrying their awful sons! C. Maybe Tyra Banks is here and they have to wear body paint and writhe around on random sculptures as part of a sexy photoshoot! Unfortunately, the big reveal is that there's a second two-on-one date this season. Which… ugh. Two-on-ones are boring, frankly. They're literally only ever used as a "dramatic" device to get rid of the villain. There is never any other result from a two-on-one. Since Chad is already gone, I can't imagine why they chose to do this. There's no tension to be gained from it, and literally nobody cares about either Chase or Derek, including Jojo. Except for me. I care about Derek, but it's fine. Derek and Chase have an immensely boring two-on-one date wherein they pretend to learn how to tango by gingerly shoving Jojo back and forth between each other. Derek is a better dancer, better looking, and tells Jojo that he's falling for her. Chase is very mild and oafish but gets the rose because Jojo will have a light-brunette scraggly boi or she will have nothing, thank you very much. Derek cries on his car ride to the airport, which is intercut with some Argentinian chick literally singing a song that was once featured in a movie musical that starred Madonna and Antonio Banderas. It's insane. Jojo is 0/2 for me this episode. I hope Derek goes on Bachelor in Paradise and finds a girl who looks exactly like Pam. Livin' Life With Derek!

8. Alex (Last Week: 16)

ABC

It is insane that Alex is still here and everyone knows it except Alex. His neck gets shorter every time we see him and he wears one of those candy-colored American Apparel hoodies without irony, like he's a high schooler who bought it to try and impress a girl who was selling them as a fundraiser for Key Club. (Was my high school the only one that sold American Apparel hoodies to raise money for Key Club? Palo Alto is the worst.) I don't have the energy to say much else about Alex. If he gets a hometown date I'll drown myself.

7. Robby (Last Week: 3)

ABC

In the little goofy post-show blurb they always show, Robby taunts James Taylor for believing that Margherita pizza is spelled "margarita pizza," just as we all did until we were fourteen or whatever. Robby then says that it's spelled LIKE THE CHEESE. He literally says this. There is no such thing as Margherita cheese, Robby. You're thinking of mozzarella. Margherita pizza was named after a queen or an empress or something. It's a human name. It's the Italian version of Margaret. It is not a kind of cheese. Robby then tries and fails to spell the word "Margherita." I believe this segment has taught us everything we could ever need to know about Robby.

6. Luke (Last Week: 6)

ABC

I can never make good or interesting GIFs of Luke because he never does or says anything good or interesting. He's totally unoffensive, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't do a whole hell of a lot besides make out with Jojo. Which is fiiiine with Jojo! Jojo talks for actual minutes about how the chemistry with her and Luke is "cuh-raazy." It's kind of a Ben and Caila vibe, where it's like, I don't see them together at all but I know that all she wants is to get him to the final three so she's finally allowed to have show-sanctioned sex with him. Say that three times fast. Show-sanctioned sex. Show-sanctioned sex. She sells seashells by the show-sanctioned sex. Remember how Kaitlyn got death threats for having sex with someone in her final six, but nobody cares every season when the lead has sex with three people right in a row and then gets engaged days later? Humans are so quirky and fun! I love the healthy attitude we have towards women's sexuality in this country!

5. Jojo (Last Week: 7)

ABC

UGH. JOJO. Jojo wears some great dresses in this episode but also sends Wells home and keeps Alex even when given the chance to send him home so what gives? What is going on in this chick's head? Is she just not even keeping track of the people who aren't Luke or Jordan anymore? She'd better continue to wear great outfits because she is really losing utility for me as a Bachelorette in terms of her choice of dudes.

4. Jordan (Last Week: 1)

ABC

THIS DUDE. This dude loves to twirl his Pinot Grigio like no one I have ever seen. Jordan rolls his eyes about a hundred times in this episode because people say he's entitled. Jordan genuinely does not know what this word means. He literally tries to clarify the definition with three different people. Jordan also throws a hissy fit when he isn't given the group date rose because he "always gets it." Pipe the f down, Jordan. Take a nap. Eat a Fig Newton. Come out of your room when you're ready to talk about it.

3. Chase (Last Week: 11)

ABC

Chase is crazy, out-of-this world, unreal boring. I can barely believe it. He doesn't talk or make any facial expressions. On the two-on-one tango date fiesta, Chase mumbles to Jojo about how he likes… her…? I could barely understand what he was saying. Jojo is all "wow, it's so amazing to hear that you don't hate me" and gives him the rose. Chase must be an insanely good kisser. He also has REALLY BIG HANDS! They are bigger than Jojo's head. They are so large. He looks like one of those snuggli monsters from Where the Wild Things Are, except like, mixed with a very boring Abercrombie model.

2. James Taylor (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Oof, James Taylor. Ya done goofed, James Taylor. James Taylor feels insecure because he eats a lot of pizza, or something, and so he decides to throw Jordan under the bus. Kind of. He does it in a really nice way because he's James Taylor, but that's what he's doing. Listen, I think there are plenty of concerns to be raised about Jordan and I think that Jojo is absolutely choosing to ignore the red flags because she wants to Fantasy Suite that boy like nothing else, but I don't think James took the right approach here. He tells Jojo that Jordan is entitled because he plays cards a certain way? This sounds like the kind of thing I would hear when I was a camp counselor for fourteen-year-olds. James Taylor!

1. Andrew Lloyd Webber (Last Week: Not Ranked)

ABC

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID THEY THINK WE WOULDN'T NOTICE THAT THAT CHICK WAS SINGING "DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA" AS JOJO AND CHASE MADE OUT? WHOSE DECISION WAS THIS? HOW MUCH DID THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR THE RIGHTS TO THIS SONG? DID ANYONE ELSE KNOW THAT ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER APPEARED AS A JUDGE ON A BRITISH REALITY SHOW WHEREIN WOMEN COMPETED TO PLAY DOROTHY IN THE WIZARD OF OZ? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

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