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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 3

"Let's NOT pretend I'm Hitler."

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This week on The Bachelorette, Chad eats Luke atop a nice Eggs Benedict and gains even more strength from his essence. The boys all have to wear hilarious necklaces at the pool party to conceal their mics. James Taylor tells Jojo that all he wants is to find a new mom for his guitar. Evan and Alex record a series of Mary Kate and Ashley movie remakes.

Will Wells reveal that he's actually a child who's been sitting on Chris Harrison's shoulders the whole time? Will Prince Ali finally get the musical number/welcome parade he so earnestly deserves? Will any of the contestants of color survive the week? Grab your protein shakes and let's get started.

18. Evan (Last Week: 13)

ABC

Evan is a third grader. Evan literally tattles to Chris Harrison about Chad's aggression, as though Chris Harrison is any kind of authority figure and not just a suited troubadour. I get that he feels threatened, but it's silly and dangerous for Evan, who looks like one of the Baudelaire orphans, to try to get physical with Chad, who is a walking honeybaked ham. Evan gives Jojo an ultimatum and is like "It's him or me, the world will never be the same!" Jojo gives him a rose and a Fig Newton before naptime. OH ALSO: The roses this season are so, so fake. I thought maybe I was just going blind but there were a lot of closeups in this episode. They were definitely real in past seasons, so what's the deal? Is Chad allergic to flowers? Were people like Daniel eating them? Did Caila prick her finger on one and fall into a hundred-years' sleep and that's why she's not the Bachelorette? Anyway, we also learned in this episode that Evan has not one but THREE kids. Oy gevalt.

16. Alex (Last Week: 22)

ABC

Alex is… nuts, maybe. He's not quite ready to confront Chad, but he IS ready to eagerly nod while Evan confronts Chad. I don't really know what to do with him.

14. Ali (Last Week: 12)

ABC

WHY DOESN'T ALI GET MORE AIRTIME? Show him playing Fur Elise again! I don't care if we all learned how to play that in second grade! #BringBackPrinceAli #FabulousHe!

12. Robby (Last Week: 10)

ABC

Robby opens the episode by glumly saying "The mansion is in ruins… it's like a hurricane came through… quel désastre…" Except it's not in ruins, there's just a lot of champagne glasses in the sink. If anything, it looks like the morning after a mediocre debutante ball. Robby does not appear after this segment, as far as I can tell. I like to imagine that when Robby's not doing anything, he just sits still and stares straight ahead like a porcelain doll resting up for the Purge.

9. Nick (Last Week: 15)

ABC

Santa! What's he been up to? He has a pretty boring conversation with Jojo and I think that's the extent of it. Who's taking care of his elves? Ha, ha. #humor #wit #droll

7. Wells (Last Week: 2)

ABC

Wells calls Evan "E-Money," which is hilarious and sounds like what my mom would call Venmo. Wells is barely in this episode but his Victorian orphan brand is still really working for me. #SaraCreweNeverForget

6. Jordan (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Jordan sits Jojo down to talk about his last relationship and I think "Amazing! Maybe he will offer some insight on the cheating allegations!" No no. Jordan talks circles around the thing and says something like "I wasn't able to fully be myself." What? Jordan also describes something Chad does as "The most awkward moment of all time," which is awfully rich coming from someone who was on the set of Pitch Perfect 2.

5. Chase (Last Week: 6)

ABC

Chase finally gets a little Jojo lovin' in the form of a hot yoga class. "Ha ha, get it?" cackles a Bachelorette producer as he eats a salmon skin roll. "It's hot yoga, like the temperature is hot, but it's also hot in a sexual way, because they are making out." Amazing stuff. Chase wears yoga pants with surprising grace and spends like ten minutes stumbling over the name of the move they're doing. "Yim yam. Yum yum. Yib yab? Yemen?" A simple joy for a simple boy. "Yawn yawn." Chase gets a rose by opening up to Jojo about his parent's divorce and saying how that made him take marriage more seriously (?), and Jojo eats it up. What was he going to say, Jojo? "My parents got divorced, and that really inspired me and I hope to get divorced one day too. I'm just looking for the right girl, you know?" Strange.

4. Chad (Last Week: 1)

ABC

What is there to even SAY? Chad has some anger issues and he obviously subscribes to all that RedPill nonsense about "Alphas" and "Betas" and "Kappa Kappa Gammas" or whatever. It was kind of entertaining for an episode or two, but now I find him kind of boring and predictable? The security guard song and dance was an awful lot of fun, but they obviously wouldn't keep him on the show if they thought he was actually a threat to anyone. He's correct in saying that he only gets angry when provoked, but his response is to punch doors and rip shirts, which is not a normal response to provocation, despite what Bad Girls Club would have you believe. I'm ready for Chad to get eliminated so he can just get on Bachelor in Paradise and hook up with one of the twins already. I also spent most of the episode trying to come up with funny Chad hashtags and the best I could do was #TheBigChadWolf. No one should have given me a degree in writing!! #NYUseless

3. James Taylor (Last Week: 4)

ABC

WILL THE REAL JAMES TAYLOR PLEASE STAND UP? Why, why, why are we calling him James Taylor. Am I overestimating the popularity of James Taylor proper? Did they make him change his name solely that people like me would be able to make jokes about James Taylor doing a collab with Jojo? SIDENOTE: I WOULD PAY A LOT OF MONEY TO SEE THIS HAPPEN. I WOULD PAY FOR TIDAL. Anyway. James Taylor Swift goes on a pretty boring swing dancing date with JoJo. Afterward, they perch on "Jojo's" car and Jojo is all "You're the perfect guy! You're attractive and nice and funny and you won the 1971 Grammy for your pop hit 'You've Got a Friend!"" And James goes "Oh, womp womp, there actually is something bad about me. I'm not perfect." The music changes and I get so excited! James was a child bride! James killed a man! James killed the real James Taylor and tried to do a whole Don Draper thing but forgot that people knew who James Taylor was! "I got made fun of as a kid for not being attractive," says James Taylor 2.0. Ohhhkay. This is an artfully done backdoor brag. Getting bullied is unfortunate, but it's not a negative trait about yourself by any means. Plus, this forces Jojo to go "noooo! You're attractive! Here, have a rose!" Well played, James Trailer. THEN JAMES GETS OUT HIS GUITAR AND PLAYS JOJO AN AWFUL SONG, BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES. Listen: if you're not getting paid to play guitar, nobody wants to hear you play guitar. I promise.

2. Jojo (Last Week: 5)

ABC

First of all: Jojo says on her date with Chase that she's never done yoga before, which is a hysterical thing to lie about. Everyone has done some form of yoga, it happens even if you don't mean to do it, like eating oatmeal raisin cookies. But anyway, I must say that Jojo handles herself remarkably well this episode. She's a horndog who obviously just wants to make out with Jordan and Luke and Chase, which I love, but she indulges the Chad and Evan antics with admirable poise. I know that being the Bachelorette seems like it would be an amazing whirlwind of makeouts and candy-colored vintage cars, but I imagine it's also pretty taxing. It cannot be easy to pretend you don't know that Chad has anger problems for the sake of keeping him on the show for drama. It cannot be easy to kiss Evan unironically. It cannot be safe to swing dance with James Taylor. Even after the weird altercation at the "sex comedy show" (not a thing, by the way), Jojo has the energy to smile and clap and ask the audience for "advice." I applaud her for A. calling Chad out for being disrespectful (a truly gentle diagnosis) B. believably laughing off Daniel's story about cutting a girl's hair off mid-sex and C. looking cute as heck with a bouncy pony during her yoga session. Incredible stuff.

1. Daniel (Last Week: 17)

ABC

Daniel is the best part of this show. He is a rare gem. He says amazing things like "Poo is pretty funny" and "I was like, 'let me chop a little piece of her hair off,' I have no idea why" and "Maybe bring it down to like, Mussolini." He's also so hilariously Canadian and keeps apologizing to Chad and asking him to try and keep the peace, all while sipping a nice Sauvignon Blanc. Daniel is the greatest thing about this franchise and he has my full endorsement.

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