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Power-Ranking The Bachelorette Boys, Week 2

"We're just talking about love. L-U-V."

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This week on The Bachelorette, gender roles are reinforced from all angles as Jojo is rescued from a fake burning building and Chad uses the phrase "real man" about eighty times. James Taylor goes full Harold Hill and forms a ragtag choir of boyish contestants. Chad makes Wells into beef jerky and eats him as a healthy snack.

Will James Taylor get sued for impersonating known singer James Taylor? Did anyone make Wells a card saying "Get Wells Soon," and if not, should I? Does Chad make his protein shakes out of whey or puppies? What's going on with the hipster? Hop into your oversized wooden chairs and let's take a look.

22. Alex (Last Week: 5)

ABC

WHO MADE HIM SIT IN THAT GIANT CHAIR? Listen. Alex seems lovely and his suits fit him impeccably, but he is way too easily bothered by all the Chad shenanigans. Chadnanigans. Obviously, Chad is a Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Very Bad Day, but he seems pretty harmless if you resist the urge to engage. Alex does not resist the urge, which lands him at the bottom this week.

21. Luke (Last Week: 3)

ABC

Luke is a Lil' Pouty Pants in this episode! He complains about losing a firefighting competition to a professional firefighter, which, okay. Luckily for Luke, Jojo finds his sore-loser-ness endearing and they connect mouths for a very long time.

17. Daniel (Last Week: 16)

ABC

Daniel is HILARIOUS in this episode. Not on purpose. I thought he was just drunk in the first episode, but it turns out he actually cannot form coherent words. Since Daniel obviously has no friends, he decides to become the Gretchen Wieners to Chad's Regina George. He just sits around in a tank top echoing everything Chad says. He says "protein shake" like fourteen times. It's like watching performance art.

16. Brandon (Last Week: 18)

ABC

Brandon the hipster is eliminated, presumably because he found out he was on a network show and threatened to drown himself in yerba mate. What an odd dude.

14. James S. (Last Week: Not Ranked)

ABC

Uhh, listen. I don't know why, but I didn't put James S. in my rankings last week. Which is weird because I wrote something for him! Here's what I had to say about his limo exit: "James S. is a 'Bachelor Superfan' who looks like Woody from Toy Story. His face looks like plastic in a good way! I would love to hang out with James S. He is my favorite of all the Jameses. #TeamJamesS." Unfortunately, I don't have anything new to add because James S. is barely featured in this episode and then sent home. I hope he didn't have himself going too far on his own Bachelorette bracket. RIP.

13. Evan (Last Week: 24)

ABC

SAD PENIS DOOGIE HOWSER HAS KIDS? MULTIPLE? What is this Raisinet of a human even doing here? Why didn't we hear about his kids in his little intro feature? Why doesn't he say anything about them to Jojo other than "Also, I have kids" as though that's a bragging point? I know that I will talk to anyone who will listen about how much I loved Emily Maynard's season but even I understand that ditching your kids for weeks to boost your Instagram following (NO ONE IS ON THIS SHOW TO FIND LOVE, PPL! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FLAT TUMMY TEA!) borders on sociopathic. I don't like Evan one bit. He sounds like a hiccuping baby when he talks! He has so many bracelets!! I'm done. I'm cool.

11. Christian (Last Week: 6)

ABC

Did we all catch the end credits bit wherein Christian ripped (?) his clothes off (?) and tried to get Jojo into a bubble bath (?) with him (?) He had a raging boner, no? Did I imagine that? It was so weird! I had no idea they were allowed to air that kind of thing on TV. They box out all the girls in bikinis, but, whatever! This is what gender inequality looks like, everyone. It looks like a boner that hasn't been boxed out.

10. Robby (Last Week: 1)

ABC

Robby's voice is very soft. It's soothing and unsettling all at once, like a babysitter that you're not sure if your parents hired. Like most people on the firefighting date, Robby doesn't get a lot of airtime because Wells and his frail heart (rightfully!) hog most of the attention. My little sister thinks Robby is "a hotter version of Will Forte," which, no such thing.

9. Jordan (Last Week: 4)

ABC

Jordan, ya pants too small, ya hair too big, ya look like Alf. Jordan doesn't do much in this episode except get particularly peppy about the "Jo, jo, jo, jo, jo" song that James Taylor and the Magnetic Zeroes are singing for like half of the episode. Go back and watch those parts! They're hilarious! Jordan sings along so earnestly and reminds me a lot of Louisa Von Trapp in this episode. Listen. I once played Louisa in a weird abridged version of The Sound of Music as a child. Do you know what Louisa does in that musical? Jack shit. Homeboy needs to fight for some airtime next week.

8. Grant (Last Week: 21)

ABC

Grant wins the "firefighting competition" because he is a firefighter. Really riveting television. Grant is also lowkey a monster who left his girlfriend of several years to go on The Bachelorette without telling her. This is a true story! Look it up! You have Google!

5. Jojo (Last Week: Not Ranked)

ABC

Jojo is very quickly settling into her role as Queen Bachelorette/Makeout Bandit - I didn't keep a kiss count this episode, but it seemed like she kissed maybe ten people? I love it. Get it, Jojo. Unfortunately, Jojo also wears some weird sweaters and makes out with Chad, who is possibly the Zodiac Killer, so the jury is still out on her judgment abilities.

4. James Taylor (Last Week: 11)

ABC

Okay, so we are still calling him "James Taylor." I will never get over this. James Taylor Swift plays guitar at every possible opportunity and we are supposed to like him for this? Have none of you people been to a high school musical theatre cast party? Guitar Boys are the worst! Don't enable them! Anyway. James Taylor writes Jojo a letter and I HAVE to transcribe it for you here: "Things are different here. The thought of seeing you just one more time is the only thing keeping me sane. I'm a guy that loves my family, food, strangers, hardcore man stuff but also the occasional chick flick - that's true - and always happy and I love God but I let him down daily, I'm working on that. I want something real, and I really think that something is.... you. Who would have thought, right? How the heck did they choose me, how the heck didn't another guy choose you, how I got a rose and some great guys went home, how I'm in California right now, and reading this note to the most special woman alive?" This letter makes Jojo burst into tears. I just... I don't know, guys.

3. Derek (Last Week: 14)

ABC

Derek, my personal fave solely because he looks like Jim Halpert, gets the first one-on-one date of the season. It is… impossibly dull. I can't even believe how boring it looks, and they get a private plane! Derek and Jojo fly to San Francisco as part of some watered-down Choose-Your-Own-Adventure nonsense, and they opt for a "Golden Gate Bridge" picnic that is literally so far away from the Golden Gate that I wonder if they're maybe in Sausalito? It's bananas. Boring bananas. Here is a video of Derek covering Justin Bieber.

2. Wells (Last Week: 2)

ABC

Oh, Wells. You sweet orchard peach. You precious, leggy baby mobile. Wells does not do all that Wells on his group date. He is forced to don twice his weight in firefighter gear and promptly turns gray and falls over, like when a Sim gets tired to death. Jojo soothes him with cold water and cleavage and he perks back up eventually. Get this kid some PediaLite!

1. Chad (Last Week: 10)

ABC

Listen. If you can behave the way Chad did this week and still get a rose, you are more powerful than Malia Obama. Chad gallumphs around like a giant HGH monster, terrorizing the wee townsfolk (Alex, mostly) and carrying Princess Jojo off into the night. I don't even really have that much to say about Chad because he says it all himself. He talks about how he's finally ready for marriage because he's saved up enough money (??? Is he buying a mail-order bride? Does he know that women can have jobs now?); he talks about how if you blended up (!) all the guys in the house into a protein shake (!!!) it would "have, like, no flavor;" he refuses to participate in the James Taylor Oliver! The Musical Boy's Chorus Sing Along™. I will say that he was unfairly criticized for eating several large plates of meat at the cocktail party. Dude looks like a walking kebab, it should surprise no one that he needs to constantly re-meat. Anyway! Chad calls Jojo naggy, criticizes everyone for participating in the date's activities and for treating a game show like a game, and barely blinks when he tells Jojo that his mother recently passed away. All this and he gets a rose and a makeout session. All hail Chad. Oh also!! Chad bought domain names of a bunch of the people on the show (www.derekpeth.com, www.robbyhayes.com, www.alexwoytkiw.com, www.joelle-fletcher.com, for some examples) AND RE-ROUTED THEM TO HIS INSTAGRAM. Absolutely incredible.

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