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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 6

"There's a pig in the water."

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This week on The Bachelor, Ben decides that reenacting Lord of the Flies is a great idea for a date. Leah learns the term "scorched earth policy" and decides to give it a whirl. Olivia opens her mouth and swallows an entire feral island pig.

Will Ben and Lauren B. just elope and leave everyone else on the island? Why is Emily allowed to use a cell phone to call her twin, can't they communicate telepathically? Was everything I learned from the twins on Sister, Sister a lie? When is Leah getting punched in the face? Will Olivia hold Amanda's toddlers hostage until Ben proposes to her? Let's take a look.

10. Leah (Last Week: 11)


Honestly, props to Leah for doing whatever she goddamn had to to get a hot minute of airtime this week. Leah, who is harboring a lot of the same bitterness as Drew Barrymore's character in Never Been Kissed, decides the best use of her time with Ben, human rice cake, is to throw obvious frontrunner Lauren B. under the bus. Except: does she actually do this? We never see her saying "Lauren B," we just hear an audio clip that could have been taken from literally anywhere. She makes a big huff in front of the other girls that she "didn't say [her] name." Semantics, Leah! No matter - the pot is effectively stirred, and Leah later brings up Lauren B. by name and last initial anyway. Since Ben and Lauren B. are happily married with two children and a Yorkie named Manchego, this does not go well for Leah and she is at last sent packing. Leah, we hardly knew ye. Which is fine because you really don't seem very nice.

9. Becca (Last Week: 10)


Becca the Virginal Robot is still here, somehow. "The Bahamas is the most romantic place I've ever been," says Becca, who was in Bali last season. Remember when Becca almost won this show?

8. Olivia (Last Week: 12)


Ooohhhkay. Here's the thing. I get that Olivia is this season's Big Bad Wolf and we're supposed to hate her and cheer when she gets sent home but, man, if that shot of her crying alone on a stormy cliff while Ben touches mouths with Emily wasn't one of the saddest things I've seen since Finding Nemo. Personally, I don't think that the amount of airtime dedicated to Olivia's awfulness was warranted at all. She wasn't nearly as sociopathic as, say, Kelsey, and she didn't get into screaming matches with the other girls like Tierra (UNFORTUNATELY.) Sure, I think she may have been unpleasant and her mouth may have been wider than Lake Michigan but whatever, her sendoff was overkill. Anyway! Olivia gets put on the two-on-one date, obviously, and tells Ben that she likes to "talk smart things" and only deigns to partake in intelligent activities like "reading" and "politics." And watching her favorite show, Teen Mom. She also tells Ben that she's in love with him, which is an insane thing to do. She's clearly delusional about Ben's feelings for her, and he clearly had no intention of ever keeping her over Emily, which makes the whole date uncomfortable and depressing. Don't get me wrong, Olivia says and does a lot of really annoying shit in this episode, but nothing she says or does makes it less painful to watch when Ben - totally unceremoniously, by the way - shuts her down and tells her that she is not going to be America's Next Top Mrs. Ben "Quaker Oats" Higgins. This is where the show has failed. They tried to make Olivia into a MegaVillain™ when they should have just let her shine as the socially-stunted Grand-Canyon-jawed superstar she is. H.A.G.S., Olivia!

6. Lauren H. (Last Week: 5)


Just when I was starting to come around to Lauren H, she gets sent home, presumably because Ben is getting sick of calling his future wife "Lauren B." like she's a sixth grader. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, you're out.

5. Ben (Last Week: 6)


Ben is The Whiniest in this episode! He complains that Caila won't cry for him, Argentina; he complains that no woman thinks getting mauled by feral pigs is romantic; he goes full pouty-pants and cancels the cocktail party. Take a nap, Benjamin.

4. Caila (Last Week: 8)


Caila gets a second one-on-one date, during which she has to wear a harness to go fishing. Dreamy! We get it, Ben likes putting his hands on Caila. It's getting gross, frankly. After a day of deep-sea fishing (is that what the kids are calling it these days), the two sit down for "dinner" and Ben immediately asks Caila to cry for him because she seems too happy. His exact words are "I want to know, like, what exactly, or how exactly, in a relationship, you would react if somebody else was struggling or if you were struggling, like, do you feel like you're still gonna, like, smile through that, or would you be able to actually, like, feel it?" BEN, WHAT? Caila, to her credit, responds by saying something like "Well, given that I'm not a literal shiny-haired robot, yeah, I'd be able to feel emotions, and it is insane that you're asking me to just be sad for you while we sit here and drink white wine." Ben is all "No, that's not what I meant! I just meant that I've never interacted with humans before, so I don't understand that someone who smiles a lot is capable of feeling sad." Caila fires back with "I feel like I love you" and Ben reciprocates with the most half-assed soft smile I've ever seen. It's bananas. Absolutely nothing is communicated. Caila then tries to launch her own Bachelorette storyline by throwing out buzzwords like "biggest fear" and "incapable of feeling love." It looks for a moment like Ben's going to send her home because, why wouldn't he, she's telling him she's uninterested. Caila, realizing that she's played this card too soon (only the final four are eligible for Bachelorette!), immediately yelps "LOL, JK, ILY!" and gets a rose. Fine, Caila. I see you, Caila.

3. Emily (Last Week: 2)


Emily speaks only in hyperbole and I love her for it. Emily is totally the kind of person who still says "AWK-warrddd!" and thinks it's just great. Emily wears the world's silliest swimsuit on her two-on-one and nearly gets blown off the island by the incoming monsoon. No worries, though, because the producers are finally letting Ben send Olivia home so Emily gets a rose this week. I think Emily is honestly just delighted that she's being treated like a Real Contestant instead of getting booted off in Week 3 alongside her twin like we all expected. Shine on, you crazy diamond!

2. Jojo (Last Week: 4)


Jojo gets points for staying super chill during the group date when Ben pulls her aside to be like "What am I doing wrong? Why are people not enjoying this super romantic six-on-one date featuring the stars of Babe?" Jojo is like "Look, dude, I'm sorry if it's hard for you to have an army of tiny blondes chasing after your junk, but it is five hundred percent harder for all of us." I think Ben and Jojo are becoming great pals. However, Jojo totally unravels by the end of the episode and cries for one million years about nothing in particular. Somebody get her a Xanax or a Pillow Pet or something.

1. Lauren B. (Last Week: 3)


I was honestly v impressed with Lauren B. this week. When Ben "confronts" her about "being a different person around him than she is in the house" (HOW many times in a row can this possibly be considered a plot conflict?), Lauren B. kind of rolls her eyes and goes "Listen. I don't even know how to respond to that, because I'm obviously the nicest and everyone clearly loves me." Even when she's shaken up and teary-eyed, she still remains relatively eloquent and level-headed, a real rarity on this show. Lauren B. 2016! #FeelTheB

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