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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 4

"I take the cookie game very seriously."

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This week on The Bachelor, Ben and his harem jet to Vegas for puppets, fireworks and girl-cakes. The twins do an Irish jig and win my heart. Jojo reveals where she got the inspiration to write this song. Olivia still hasn't shown her toes.

Will Ben find true love in the city of sin? (City of light? City of love? Which one is Vegas?) Will Jubilee rise from the ashes and destroy Amber with the sword of Godric Gryffindor? Will tiny Amanda get lost in Olivia's mouth and have to cut off her own arm like James Franco in 127 hours? Let's take a look.

15. Amber (Last Week: 18)

ABC

HahahaHAHAHA, Amber gets sent home, obviously. Amber is The Worst. She makes fun of Olivia (which okay I know we're all doing that but she seems extra mean for it) and sobs in a lawnchair about how she "didn't want to get hurt again." Amber! A good way to not get hurt is to not go on a dating show wherein you have a 4% chance of "winning." This is your third time on The Bachelor and the fact that you haven't learned this critical piece of info is insane. Sayonara.

14. Haley (Last Week: 13)

ABC

I'm glad that somebody on this show (wasn't Ben) finally realized that this Taylor-Swift-double-vision charade had run its course. No way are they letting that kid make out with sisters on national television. Ben takes both Olsen-lites out for a spin… to their house. Haley's room is covered in pictures of her ex-boyfriend and Emily's says "Live, Laugh, Love" on the wall, so who's to say which twin is more terrible? Ben is to say, and Ben sends Haley to her room. To stay. Womp, womp. Bye Haley. We'll miss you? (I won't, and it doesn't seem like your twin will either, frankly.)

10. Olivia (Last Week: 7)

ABC

Olivia talks about how she wants to marry Ben and Ben is her piece and blah blah blah. He's not a piece of meat, Olivia! Olivia's talent is being in her underwear, which, frankly, is far more entertaining than most of the other girls (tennis, Jennifer? Really?) but she gets really embarrassed about it after the fact. She gives a good attempt at a fake panic attack but she is no Kelsey Poe. She's not even a Tierra. I also think the producers are just screwing with her at this point and waiting to see how many group dates she has to go on before she eats one of the twins.

9. Jubilee (Last Week: 2)

ABC

Jubilee, unfortunately, doesn't do a lot in this episode except make a joke about how Ben isn't going to be able to take Becca's virginity in six hours if she hasn't lost it in twenty-six years. A joke which was clearly supposed to make her look catty, but whatever, I thought it was funny. Also: why do people care so much about Becca's virginity? Why are we, as a society, still using the phrase "taking" someone's virginity like it's a physical object? Whatever. Q's too big for this show.

8. Ben (Last Week: 3)

ABC

This week is all about Ben being all about the ladies. Ben still gets points for being articulate and, like, pretty nice (#ThePerfectBen) but what is UP with him in this episode? Every time a woman tells him how she feels, he responds by loudly saying "Well, don't feel like that!" It happens at least four times! Benihana, it's normal for these women to be feeling insecure/scared/bloated in this type of stressful situation. Stop mansplaining their feelings to them, and stop assuming that they simply aren't trying hard enough to read your mind. All of your facial expressions look the same, it's not their fault! Ben is also Chris Soules-levels of horny in this episode and makes out with literally everyone, twice.

7. Lauren H. (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Lauren H. is, sadly, starting to really grate on me. She also makes out with Ben in front of a puppet, which is creepy and feels like when you're a toddler at a Christmas party and your aunt and uncle start making out and you're like "I know I'm not yet four feet tall but I can still see you."

6. Jennifer (Last Week: 8)

ABC

Where have you been, Jennifer? I want Jennifer to have a one-on-one but don't think she's going to get one. She looks so good in everything she wears! Jennifer for Bachelorette! Put her in more dresses!

5. Becca (Last Week: 10)

ABC

Becca. Still here. Okay. Becca has a one-on-one, she wears a wedding dress and everybody makes comments about how white is so appropriate because HEY, DID ANYONE KNOW THAT BECCA IS WAITING FOR MARRIAGE? Ben and Becca marry couples in Vegas, which, first of all, who on earth would sign up to have their wedding officiated by the Bachelor and a Future Bachelor Castoff; second of all, it was crazy inappropriate for Becca to wear white in front of these brides on their wedding day. Sheesh. Ben and Becca have a particularly bland conversation about virginity and what it means to them and how hard it's been for Becca to wait and whether it's okay that Ben has touched a girl before and WHY DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER? Becca isn't a bad person for waiting until marriage and she's also not a better person than Ben for waiting until marriage and virginity is a social construct and we should all stop being dumb and saying things like "Becca's decision to wait has actually made me respect her more" like whyyYyYYYy is this a conversation we are still having in 2016! We have bigger things to worry about. I also think it says a lot about Becca's personality that her sexual status is the only thing anyone is ever able to talk about. Does she have, like, a hobby? No? Is her job title "professional virgin?" Is she a cat person or a dog person or just a virgin person? Becca is so boring!!

4. Jojo (Last Week: 12)

ABC

Jojo was a mistress before this show, no? On their fun-on-one date, Ben asks her point-blank if her last boyfriend cheated on her. Her eyes dart around like a shifty turtle and she goes "I wasn't the only person involved in their life." What? Either she was the sidepiece OR she's the kind of person who gets mad at her boyfriend for having female friends, or like, sisters. Red flags all around. Run like the wind, Benito!

3. Caila (Last Week: 17)

ABC

Caila has such nice hair! It's such nice hair. Anyway. Caila talks for an awfully long time about how being on a group date is so rough for her because she's "just more used to one-on-ones." Caila, we know you have watched every season of this show! The girl who gets the first date always gets super sour about this exact same eyeroll of a situation. The girl who gets the first date also never wins, to my memory. Maybe because they're TOO SOUR to be A Good Wife and Mom. Ben, a very tall altar boy, talks a lot about how Caila is not only "bubbly" and "cute" but also "a sex panther," furthering my theory that she's getting the Bachelorette edit. I think she's pretty openly angling for it at this point. Can't wait for her to make it to the final three and then choose to leave. Classic move.

2. Lauren B. (Last Week: 4)

ABC

Are Lauren B. and Ben already married? Ben says their date was "the greatest first date" and they giggle about how they may have already had their first date with The One. I actually wonder why the other girls are mad at Olivia and/or Jubilee instead of Lauren B, honestly, because it seems like she's running away with the whole thing. Ben gives her the group date rose for kind-of juggling which I think says it all. These two are a white bread and white bread sandwich and whatever, I like them together.

1. Emily (Last Week: 5)

ABC

Emily's mom, who, by the way, looks exactly like what I'd expect "Las Vegas Mom of Cocktail Waitress Twins" to look like, tells Ben that Emily is "the more dominant twin" and hoo boy, she is correct. Emily goes full B. Waldorf in this episode, throwing her sister under the bus and earning the chance to make out with Ben, human matzah ball, in a limo. 'Grats, Emily. Conspiracy theory: are the twins being played by one actress like Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap?

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