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Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 3

"There have been blogs written about my cankles."

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This week on The Bachelor, we finally saw some differences between the twins, Olivia cooked an entire wood-burning pizza in her mouth, and I learned exactly what I do not want to do with my future (be Amber). Here's the thing: at least 90% of these girls deserve to be in the bottom five of this list for being awful, but somebody had to come out on top of the Abby Lee Dance Company Pyramid™ this week. Climb into your show-sponsored Jacuzzis and let's take a look.

18. Amber (Last Week: 20)

ABC

I don't love labels but Amber is THE WORST. Jesus nuggets, Amber, you are thirty years old. Her horribly bullying and catty antics remind me a lot of the politics at my all-girls middle school (#womenlearning #womenleading). She tries to confront Jubilee over her seeming "ungrateful" for a one-on-one date, all because Jubilee nervously cracks a joke about letting another girl get on the shady-looking helicopter because she's scared of heights. First of all: have any of these girls interacted with humans before? Have none of them ever heard a joke? Why were they all so offended? And second: I think their anger says a lot about the insane psychology of this show, about the idea that they should all be grateful for any crumbs of attention they can get from Ben, human Swiffer wipe. The bad juju festers all day like a sourdough starter, and by the time Jubilee gets back, mob psychology has turned her into this horrible villain. Because she dared to make a joke that insinuated that, hey, maybe she doesn't want to fly on a terrifying helicopter with a man she barely knows. Anyway BACK TO AMBER, she's mean and I hate her and I'm glad Ben told her off.

15. Jami (Last Week: 18)

ABC

Ugh, Jami. Jami, like many, transfigurates into a catty bully at the cocktail party. Once eliminated, she rambles about how she was stupid for thinking she could win over "a human like Ben" and that she's learned "not to expect anything from humans." Jami is a human or no? Discuss.

14. Leah (Last Week: 12)

ABC

Leah doesn't do anything besides over-draw her eyebrows. Your hair is blonde, your eyebrows should not be black (I know they look brown in this GIF but THEY WERE BLACK!)

12. Jojo (Last Week: 6)

ABC

Jojo! I had such high hopes for you! Jojo seems so nice and is named after one of my favorite sandwich cookies and yet she goes full Alison DiLaurentis during Jubileegate. At one point, Jubilee approaches a group and says "Hey, guys;" Jojo immediately turns and walks away like a damn seventh grader. To her credit, she does seem to be the girl in the house that everyone else turns to with their problems. Everyone loves the house mom (we miss you Renee!) but for the most part, Jojo's star is quickly falling.

11. Rachel (Last Week: 17)

ABC

Rachel hurts her ankle? Still unclear on who she is or what she's doing here, but she's through to the next round so hopefully someone hooks her up with some airtime.

10. Becca (Last Week: 11)

ABC

I was really hoping for some Nick Viall-type pot-stirring with Becca's arrival, but so far she's contributed absolutely nothing to this hair extension parade that we like to call a television show.

9. Lauren H. (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Lauren H. is still so cute and fun and wears a tank that says "Lettuce Be Friends" but she also talks for a full minute about how no man is going to want to marry someone who won't be a viable soccer mom? It's very strange and kind of sexist.

7. Olivia (Last Week: 1)

ABC

In this week's news, Olivia believes that she and Ben have invented a secret sensual morse code that keeps her informed of his innermost thoughts and feelings. She shouldn't be allowed to be a journalist, but, whatever. When Ben breaks the news that his family friends have passed away, she sympathizes with him by crying over the fact that there have been blogs about her cankles. Of course, everyone has insecurities; of course, everyone is allowed to talk about them, but her timing indicates that she had rehearsed her State of the Cankles Address long before the cocktail party and simply ignored everything Ben said about wanting to be comforted. How much longer are we keeping Olivia and her pet mouth around? When is her two-on-one with Amber? I really want to see somebody get punched and I feel like Olivia is going to be the one to make that dream come true.

6. Amanda (Last Week: 7)

ABC

Living breathing Madame Alexander doll Amanda is largely on the sidelines for this episode, but is one of few girls who handles Ben's loss appropriately: by giving him a hug and asking him if he's okay (aka being a normal human and not just a bitchy hologram.)

5. Emily (Last Week: 15)

ABC

SHOOT, EMILY. Emily is really good at soccer? Or, well, she blocks almost every goal from the other team, which maybe isn't saying a lot if the other team is as bad at soccer as they look. I really don't know a lot about soccer.

4. Lauren B. (Last Week: 2)

ABC

Ben is in love with Lauren B, yes? The two of them look like Gap models and their personalities seem to go beautifully together, like vanilla ice cream swirled with vanilla ice cream. Lauren talks about how she likes her family, a unique quality, and Ben opens up to her about his father's heart problems (which is a Big Deal because the lead is usually just interviewing the ladytestant, not the other way around). Also, they go in a hot tub in the middle of a desert.

3. Ben (Last Week: 21)

ABC

Ben, our resident communal boyfriend, knocks it out of the park this week, frankly. He behaves well on all of his dates, is able to form coherent sentences (looking @ you, Chris the Farmer), and doesn't try to shame any of his girlfriends (looking @ you, Juan Pablo). He also (correctly) sticks up for Jubilee and tells Amber that she's being ridiculous. Team Ben!

2. Jubilee (Last Week: 3)

ABC

Jubilee, light of my life, apple of my eye. Jubilee, first of all, correctly assesses that Ben has a type and that she doesn't fit. It's true, Ben likes blondes and sequins and dolphin laughter, and Jubilee has/is none of those things. Still, the two of them have a very nice date together, during which Jubilee spits caviar into a napkin (same, girl) and tells Ben about how she was orphaned at a young age and adopted from Haiti. Ben is overwhelmed and blabbers in a charming way about how she's "a strong woman." Empty words, but he's right. Later, Jubilee falls prey to a whole hubble of mean-girl maneuvers when the other girls can't wrap their heads around her failure to be perky. None of them can relate to her at all, nor do any of them try to. The whole thing made me think of what would happen if like, Addy the American Girl Doll (the one who escaped actual slavery) went to a dinner party full of Samanthas and Felicitys, who were talking about their problems like "Somebody put salt in my peppermint ice cream" and "I once had to make a political statement using teacups." Their perspectives are just not at all the same.

1. Lace (Last Week: 19)

ABC

Okay, Lace! Okay! Lace behaves like an actual human being for 80% of this episode, a huge improvement from last week's shenanigans. The biggest shock of the night came when Lace finally sensed that under no circumstances was she ever stable enough to be on a reality show and left the competition. She says she wants to "work on herself," which is usually code for "avoid responsibilities and eat cheesecake," but I think she's doing the right thing. She also quotes her own tattoo, which I can only assume is in turn quoting a fortune cookie, which is an amazing and courageous thing to do. We'll miss you, Lace!

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