1.
There's this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi......ok it's me.
2.
my boss: [whispering into my coffin] "you haven't submitted your timesheet"
3.
*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm *calls cell phone *waits
4.
BOSS: We need to improve morale ME: Okay BOSS: How about an office party? ME: [crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies"] I guess
5.
BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed” [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
6.
*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare* Boss: What are you doing? Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
7.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
8.
*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
9.
*storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS
10.
Me: Play dead My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*
11.
boss me boss me boss: Can you get on with your presentation Josh? me [trying to put my Ring Pop back on my finger] Just a sec
12.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body
13.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.
14.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
15.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
16.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
17.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait...
18.
ugh hate the auto-flush on the office bathroom toilet. always goes off before i'm even finished taking my nap
19.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
20.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00. Me: I can't come, I'm allergic. Boss: But we're not serving food. Me: ... yeah now I really can't come.
21.
*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
22.
boss: Keep me abreast on how the project goes, ok? me boss me *is asked to leave because I haven't stopped giggling since he said "abreast"*
23.
In a meeting. Can I go first? Thanks. Gets up and leaves.
24.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home...
25.
It's weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
26.
[staff meeting] "Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there's a 420% chance you shouldn't eat the brownie inside"
27.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
28.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
29.
Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can't fire you if they can't find you.