1.
doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat] dad: [opens one eye]
2.
[kids party] "This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year" Dad no "That's.." Please no dad "..Inflation for you" *kids start crying*
3.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a DATE: no ME: mewseum DAD: *nods his approval*
4.
[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
5.
"Welcome to Dad Party! Give it up for our host, DJ Mad Skillz!" [grabs mic] I'M NOT MAD SKILLZ JUST DISAPPOINTED SKILLZ *dads go nuts*
6.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's- Son: Dad please don't... Dad: Lawn gone.
7.
I never believed in reincarnation before but... Dad?
8.
son: why is my name jesus dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel other son: &me? dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
9.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
10.
*walks outside* Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet. *looks around* *lights BBQ* *1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
11.
"Dad, I cant sleep." Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB. "Dad Im seven-" Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
12.
"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
13.
U-HAUL, may I help you? "You have any moving boxes?" No all our boxes stay still "Well you better go- wait what?" Stop calling here, Dad
14.
my dad put dried seaweed on pocky
15.
My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
16.
Here you go, Merry Christmas! "Dad, why'd you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?" Because I wanted to make- Mom: NO DON'T My presents felt
17.
[hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What's an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*
18.
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son. "Sir this is Urban Outfitters" Do you have any 'baes'? "Please leave"
19.
"The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
20.
*I reach for the thermostat* *my dad runs in barking* *neighbor's dad starts barking* *within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
21.
Just 4 dads doing dad stuff being dads
22.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son? Farmer Son: No. The music sucks. FD: Well then- FS: Don't. FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
23.
Son: I'm gay, dad. Dad: no I'm gay dad Dad #2: no I'm gay dad
24.
KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: … MOM: … DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
25.
Dad: Tall latte Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name? Dad: What your parents didn't give you one? *all the other dad's give him high fives*
26.
Hot single dads in your area AREN'T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
27.
"Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?" "No." "OK." "Hold still." "What're you putting on me?" "Sunscreen." "It smells like ketchup." "Shhh"
28.
This is why I haven't accepted my dad's friend request.
29.
DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present
30.
[On a date at a restaurant] So this is nice huh? "Yea,uh, who's that?" *Dad is breathing on the window and writing 'VIRGIN' in the steam*
31.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!? "Mom, it's-" *dad makes throat slice gesture* "No one, Mom. No one"