1. Oh god, I really need a new pair of jeans.
2. But everything about shopping for jeans is terrible. Maybe I can hide that gaping hole in the crotch a little while longer.
3. Nah, I’m pretty sure Linda caught a glimpse of my bare flesh the other day.
4. You can probably see it from behind while I’m walking.
5. Shit.
6. Okay, you know what? This doesn’t have to be a terrible experience! I’m an adult! I’ll just peruse around and take it slow.
7. No tears this time.
8. Hopefully.
9. Alright, black jeans or denim jeans?
10. I kinda need both. Let’s just have a look at the pr–
11. FORTY-FIVE FUCKING POUNDS?!
12. Right then, guess I’ll stick to denim.
13. Hmmmmmmmmm.
14. These are too light, these are too blue…
15. If I get the ripped ones I’ll definitely get shit from Mum when she asks if I’m cold and whether I’d actually paid money to get jeans she could have cut up herself.
16. Think practical.
17. Here are some! Now what’s my size?
18. It was waist 30, length 32, right?
19. Or maybe it was W 32, L 34. Or W 30 L 34? What the fuck do any of these numbers mean?!
20. None of this takes into consideration the massive burrito I just had for lunch.
21. Okay, I’m panicking. Just pick up 4 and go.
22. Time to face the dreaded changing room.
23. Ah, my favourite sight: me from every awkward angle.
24. Whoa, is that what I look like from behind?!
25. Isn’t it so weird how it kind of looks like there’s 12 mes?
26. Fuck, I’ve just spent the last seven minutes pissing about in the mirror. GET SERIOUS, JESUS CHRIST.
27. I didn’t notice this random flower embroidery at the bottom of this first pair of jeans, but maybe I could make it work.
28. Got ‘em up the ankle. Good start.
29. Slowly...slowly…
30. Yeah, these won’t even get past the top of my thigh.
31. Maybe if I just pull... Was that a rip?
32. Shit, shit, shit.
33. Fuuuuuck, these are impossible to get off.
34. KEEP YANKING!!!
35. PHEW. So I guess I’m not a 30 waist after all.
36. Where’s the bigger size? I’m sure I picked up a bigger pair of these.
37. I did! First ones were terrible, these should be better.
38. Past the ankle...up the thighs...omg this was even easier than I th–
39. URGHHHH, these are way too loose at the top! And what the hell is that gap at the back?!
40. I guess this is what happens when you have thick thighs, a smaller waist, and no butt, huh?
41. Curse my genes.
42. Lol, get it, genes?
43. Focus.
44. What about these stretchy ones? These should be good, I’ve bought these before.
45. Did I even like them though? Have I ever liked a pair of jeans?
46. And these look different to what I remember. Have they changed how they made them?
47. They’ve definitely changed the material of these.
48. Am I going crazy?
49. I wonder if the sales assistant knows.
50. Nah, this material wouldn’t last a day. My thighs would demolish these.
51. RIP all my other jeans, lost in the thigh rub struggle.
52. Urgh, everything about this is exhausting.
53. Could they not have chosen better lighting? Don’t you want your customers to buy the clothes?!
54. One pair left. I’m close to breaking point.
55. If these don’t fit, it’s back to the holey jeans I go.
56. These look alright. Not too stretchy, not too stiff.
57. A sensible pair of jeans. That’s what I need.
58. Be positive, the jeans can smell fear.
59. Right, ankles in. First step done.
60. Thighs feeling a little snug, but yes! Got ‘em up!
61. Now it’s time for the button.
62. Will it button? Please, lord, let it button.
63. They’re on! They’re buttoned! They’re kind of uncomfortable and the crotch is a bit awkward, and I’m pretty sure my butt isn’t supposed to look like a deflated balloon, but they’re on!
64. These are definitely passable!
65. Passable. How low the bar has become.
66. A solid 5 out of 10. What more could you ask for given the circumstances?
67. Maybe I should try on a few more, just to be sure.
68. Actually, I’d rather be set on fire.
69. I’ll just buy these and be suitably satisfied with my distinctly average purchase.
70. They won’t fit after I wash them anyway.
71. Ah, jeans shopping, such a joy every time.
72. At least I didn’t cry this time.