1.
If you email me, I apparently only respond at one of two times: After one second, or four and a half years later
2.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.
3.
me: skincare! my other organs: please help us .
4.
5.
hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol
6.
sorry if i've ever said that I wanted to hang w you but never did!! I'm so bad at doing things!!! and being a person!!!! luv u tho!!!!!
7.
Alright I'm just gonna say it. I always eat the other person's fries on the way home and then keep the one that's more full
8.
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called "why did I tell that story?"
9.
How much garlic recipes call for vs how much I use
10.
Remember when we tied our tshirts back with a hair tie because we thought they were too big, and now it's like "put me down for a 5x"
11.
Me trying to squeeze a 5 minute song in before I arrive at my destination that's 2 minutes away
12.
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape? ME: sure WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge? ME: get fucked
13.
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like "we should pregame this food w more food" and I think that's really beautiful
14.
I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going
15.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
16.
17.
Are u even at work if u and your work pals don't say 'i can't be arsed' every single time you walk past each over
18.
I'm off to bed
19.
when you listening to one of you fave songs but it's got a bad memories attached to it and but it's a good song
20.
Uber driver: ........... Me: .......... Uber driver: .......... Me: 5 stars.
21.
Every time I drive in the rain, I check other drivers wipers just to see if I'm being too dramatic with mine 😂
22.
Fucking weird that if you wanna get to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping
23.
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER -remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint -make sure you stay hydrated -don't panic
24.
25.
No ones seen me at my worst like my corner shop man has
26.
Adult friendship = 2 people saying "I haven't seen you in forever! We should really hang out more" over and over again until one of you dies
27.
Out of all the thousands of showers I've had in my life, I can only remember about four.