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22 Things You Learn After Being Friends With Someone For Five Years

If nothing else you will have learned exactly how to annoy them.

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1. A handful of properly embarrassing stories to torment them with.

Over the years you have either witnessed or been told some of the most embarrassing things they have ever done, and now you hold those stories close, to use when you see necessary. Or when you haven't had a good laugh in a while.

2. An extensive review of their sexual history.

You will know about all their major relationships (or lack there of) and you will know about the first time they snogged a boy behind the bike sheds.

3. Their exact type.


You'll know as soon as you meet someone whether they'll fancy them. And you'll make sure to inform them.

"The checkout guy at the supermarket today was ginger but with a slight tan, you would have wet your knickers."

4. And how they flirt.

Because some people were born with the skill, while others are a walking dating disaster.
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Because some people were born with the skill, while others are a walking dating disaster.

5. If they'll be 10 minutes early or half an hour late when you meet up with them.

And when you go round to their house, if their bed will be made or if their room will have a floordrobe.
Walt Disney

And when you go round to their house, if their bed will be made or if their room will have a floordrobe.

6. What they're like around new people vs. What they're like after they've known someone for ages.


You know how they try (and fail) to impress people, including all their best funny stories and how they exaggerate them to make them better. And you know how gross they can be when they just don't give a shit anymore.

7. What they're like at all the stages of drunk.

You know how much they need to drink to think they look like Beyoncé on the dance floor, you can tell when they're about to puke, and you know that tequila makes them into a little bitch.

8. Who they're most likely to drunk text at any given time.


And you can usually tell when it's going to happen and hopefully intervene, or encourage it if you're feeling naughty.

9. And how hungover they'll be the next morning.


You'll know if they're one of those annoying people who can just jump out of bed, or if they'll be near death for 24 hours.

10. What their life goals are.

You'll know if they want to be a high-powered super-lawyer, or if they're desperate to settle down and have all the babies. Or if all they want to do is break the world record for most hot dogs eaten in one minute.

11. Who they hate.


And that you have to at least pretend you hate them too, but you're not always sure why they hate them exactly.

12. The one food that they'll never be able to resist.


And the foods they seem to have an irrational hatred of.

13. And the gross thing they like to eat on their own when no one is watching.

14. How to wind them up.


Because everyone has a weakness, and sometimes you just want to poke it for no reason.

15. Which things you probably shouldn't make fun of them for.

Walt Disney

But by now you know that most things are fair game.

16. How to compliment them when they feel a bit shit.


"You would never notice you were a bit bloated because you magnificent breasts are always the focal point."

17. What they sound like when they're laughing as hard as they can.


And how to make them do it.

18. How mean they can be.

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You two have probably had some serious bitch sessions by now, and you know how low they can sink, and how fun it can be.

19. What kind of grumpy they get.

Walt Disney

Will they snap at you when they're hungover, or are they a passive aggressive monster? After five years you'll know all their bad moods and how to handle them.

20. What to say to them when they're genuinely sad.


And when to say nothing at all.

21. You know them well enough now that you can practically speak for them.


You usually know what they'd order in a restaurant, and you'll know if they're actually going to be attending that event, or if they'll bail at the last minute.

22. If you'll be friends for another five years.


And if you've lasted this long, you probably will be.