44 Reasons Why You're Single
Feel free to forward this list to elderly relatives.
1. You're too busy to meet new people.
2. You're mixing in the wrong circles.
3. All your friends settled down super early and don't introduce you to single people any more.
4. You're too intimidating.
5. You have the aura of someone who isn't single.
6. You're too modest to notice when someone likes you.
7. You've been misremembering your phone number for years.
8. There are loads of people with your name on Facebook, which makes you difficult to find.
9. You're better looking than most people.
10. You live in an ugly area of town.
11. And everyone at your work is ugly, apart from you.
12. And all of your friends are ugly.
13. And all of their friends are ugly.
14. And you are just intimidatingly gorgeous.
15. Your Tinder pictures are too modest.
16. Your OkCupid profile doesn't reflect your shining personality.
17. Everyone on match.com is too basic for you.
18. You're too independent.
19. Your political views are too advanced for your generation.
20. Your conversation is too intellectual for your peers.
21. You're going to the wrong bars.
22. Everyone at the bars you go to is uglier than you.
23. And more stupid.
24. And less fun.
25. You're too spontaneous, and people can't keep up.
26. People are too exhausted to hang out with you because you're so much fun.
27. Your star quality is so bright, it blinds potential suitors.
28. Your personality is so warm, it makes people sweat.
29. You're so hot, you burn anyone who looks at you too long.
30. Your conversation is so deep that after talking to you people have to ponder your thoughts for weeks, and that's why they never call you back.
31. You're so sassy, people are afraid of your shade.
32. People like you so much that they can't risk asking you out for fear of rejection.
33. You're so cool that people don't want to be compared to you.
34. You're too revolutionary.
35. People assume that phones are too mainstream for you, and so never ask for your number.
36. You're such a catch, people can't believe you're not taken.
37. You're so funny, people always wet themselves in your company and then don't want to get too close in case you smell the pee.
38. You're so interesting that people are scared of boring you with their mundane chat.
39. People assume you're so cultured you've seen every film ever made, so they never ask you to go to the cinema with them.
40. People think you're too responsible for alcohol so don't ask you out for drinks.
41. People think you're so fit you must run everywhere so never ask you to go for a walk in the park with them.
42. People think you're so creative that all art ever made must bore you, so never ask you to go to a museum with them.
43. You're so godly, people assume you're not human and don't eat normal food so don't ask you out to dinner.
44. People think you are just so great and beautiful and interesting and funny that there is no way in hell you can be single, and if you were you would never go out with them, and that is why you are still looking for someone as equally fabulous as you.