1.
[in bed with date] ME: I'm pretty good with my hands, y'know HER: Oh? ME *begins 3 hour finger puppet musical*
2.
Date: I'm pretty easygoing, you? Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don't know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
3.
There’s a secret code where if you tell a guy about your beanie baby collection on the first date, it locks all dates after that.
4.
ME: We don't need a new kitchen, it'll empty our savings account WIFE: It's only money...you can't take it with you… https://t.co/zT3oLLiLZ4
5.
WIFE: How was the first day of space command? ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said "laser beans."
6.
[date] Her: tell me something about yourself Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man Her: ... Me:… https://t.co/BPOuSQEwI4
7.
My wife found a spider in the shower. Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.
8.
Me: so when are we gonna start pregaming for this party Future husband: um this is our son's 3rd birthday party
9.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim WIFE: limb has a b at the end ME: i literally just said that diane
10.
Sorry I said "You'll do" instead of "I do" at our wedding.
11.
*stands up and rings my glass at a wedding to get everyone's attention* Me: "Thank you all for your attention, I w… https://t.co/iEkuCHqbjx
12.
[falling asleep] Him: *wraps his arms around me & softly kisses just below my ear* goodnight, my love Me: *reache… https://t.co/FqtD4EkAtE
13.
GF: This relationship isn't going to work if you keep pretending you're a news anchor. Me: BREAKING: my heart.
14.
Him: I think it's time for an intervention. Me, with 5 chocolate chip cookies stuffed in my mouth & crumbs on my clothes & in my hair: Whaf?
15.
My wife forgot to tell me her check engine light was on for 3 weeks. Yet she remembers what I did wrong on May 9th 2011 at 4:57 p.m.
16.
im gonna make my husband take my first name too
17.
Me: Babe, I got my hand stuck in the Pringles can again. Him: Lisa, just let go of the chip. Me: NO MAN LEFT BEHIND!
18.
Wife: I think your phone light is on. Me: No, I just hugged my Glo Worm.
19.
[the ceiling caves in] BF: OMG are you ok?? ME: thank god we both are BF: aw i love you too babe ME [cradling my phone]: what
20.
[childbirth] me: are you ok? wife: IT'S AGONY! me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
21.
[supermarket] *BF hands me iceberg lettuce* M: Haha yeah ok *sarcastically starts adding it to cart before punting it into the next aisle*