We asked the nurses of the BuzzFeed Community to share the craziest thing that's happened to them as a nurse. Here are the horrifying results.
1. The honest request.
"I extenuated a patient (took their breathing tube out). When I asked if there was anything else he needed, he responded with 'a Vicodin and a butt plug.' Yeah, I'll get right on that."
2. The bloodbath.
"One day I was assigned a patient who, according to the nurse who had had her during the last shift, was halfway through a blood transfusion. Upon entering the patient's room I found a very distinguished-looking woman wearing multiple pieces of expensive jewelry, texting on a fancy phone, and covered in blood. Apparently her friends' latest Facebook statuses were worth noticing, but the fact that her IV had been pumping type O into her sheets instead of into her veins was not."
3. The enthusiastic oversharer.
"I became a nurse at the age of 20, and my 85-year-old patient picked up his flaccid penis, winked at me, and said, 'It still works too.'"
4. The poop misunderstanding.
"My co-worker once had a confused patient poop in the lid that came on his dessert. When she asked him why he did that, he said, 'Because you told me I couldn't get out of bed.'"
5. The unexpected sample.
"I had asked an elderly male patient to give us a urine sample — well, technically asked his young twentysomething, English-speaking son. The son understood and said he would help his father in the bathroom since he was very unsteady on his feet and seemed to be very confused lately.
I waited about 20 minutes and finally knocked on the bathroom door because they hadn't come out yet. They walked out together and said that he was all set. I went to the lab window, there was nothing in it. I searched high and low and there — behind the trash can in the bathroom — was the specimen cup. With a giant turd in it."
—Caitlin 'kmart' Martin, Facebook
6. The awkward consolation.
I am a labor and delivery nurse. It was Christmas Day and the doctor manually examined the patient's cervix to assess her dilation, and I guess she found it uncomfortable so she was crying for boyfriend. He came over and started full-on making out with her, while the doctor had his hand in her cervix.
7. The big reveal.
"I went to give meds to one of my patients and introduce myself. He asked me if I was one of his wives (yes, wives), and if not, would I want to be? He told me that we could consummate our marriage right there in his hospital bed, then proceeded to RIP HIS PANTS OPEN (literally tear them apart) with *you know what* right there in front of me."
8. The horny contortionist.
"A patient managed to masturbate while in four-point restraints. I happened to walk in at the moment of 'completion.' Scarred me for life."
9. The stool rocket.
"This happened slightly before I got my license, when I was still working as a nurse tech. I was sitting one-on-one with a patient who had ankle restraints. She kept complaining that it was too hot in the room, so we lowered the temperature, took off blankets, and got a fan to sit at the base of her bed. When she lifted her hips off the bed, her stool shot across the room and quite literally hit the fan."
10. The booty diver.
"So. Many. Things. In. Butts. Still-vibrating vibrators. Two-liter soda bottle. Ping-Pong ball wrapped in duct tape. Homemade styrofoam dildo. Vitamin bottle. An apple. Always makes for an awkward pre-op interview."
11. The hole in one.
"I was trying to change an elderly woman's catheter. I missed the urethra, and when she asked what was happening I told her I missed the hole. She looked at me for a couple seconds then calmly said, 'My husband never had a problem finding my hole.' Then she burst out laughing. I had no response — all I could do was laugh with her!"
12. The unpleasant delivery.
"I once had a patient poop in her bed and then set it at the foot of the bed for me to pick up once I returned to the room."
13. The potato plug.
"One time a lady walked into the ER explaining how her bladder had started to fall out. We brought her into a room to begin examining, and to our surprise, there was a potato shoved into her!"
14. The honest advice.
"I took care of a man on his 90th bday after a lobectomy (partial lung removal). Just a few hours after his surgery, I saw him flirting with the nurses and dancing in the hall. Shocked, I decided to ask this spitfire for some advice: 'Walter, tell me, what's the secret to living to be 90 years old?' He looked at me with a serious face and said proudly, 'Three wives and a LOT of mistresses!' I burst out laughing and told him I would work on finding husband number one."
15. The thirsty father.
"I walked in on a man trying to get it on with his wife less than 12 hours after having a baby. I gave him a time-out and told him to walk it off in the hallway."
16. The Red Wedding, Part II.
"I was starting a blood transfusion on a patient who came in regularly for them. I hung the blood bag on the pole and then started trying to spike the bag. As I'm sure a lot of the nurses here know, sometimes those suckers are really hard to spike. I kept twisting and pushing the tip in, trying to get it into the bag so we could begin the transfusion. Well, after a minute or so of trying, I finally felt it give way, but it was immediately followed by an explosion! This bag of blood just completely burst open, covering me, the patient's mother, and the patient in splatters of blood.
17. The birthing secret.
"On a labor and delivery floor we had a man's girlfriend and mistress having their babies at the same time. They were coincidentally in rooms next to one another, and the man went from room to room the whole night with a proud look on his face. All the nurses knew about the situation but legally couldn't discuss it with our patients since neither knew about the other."
18. The unsanitary solution.
"I walked into my patient's room to find her 1-day-old newborn covered in meconium from head to toe. When I asked why she did this, the mother stated this was keeping away the evil spirits from harming the baby. I then had to explain to the mother that smothering poop on the baby could be dangerous and it is not recommended."
19. The straightforward comment.
"I used to work in a urology office. During one appointment I was getting ready to catheterize an older man, and so I took his penis in my gloved hand. Right as I was about to insert the catheter, the man says to me, 'You know, back in the day that thing was a raging bull.' Needless to say, I had to collect myself before I went ahead with the catheterization."
20. The unpleasant surprise.
"Patient needed a Foley catheter (the kind that goes inside your body) because his prostate was so swollen he couldn't pee. I see my co-worker disappear into his room. The floor is quiet, but a few minutes later I hear the patient yell, "DIOS MIO!" really, really loudly. He was, uh, pretty surprised by the procedure, even though the nurse had explained it to him in Spanish."
—Bonnie Cleveland, Facebook
21. The nursing hack.
"I had a new mother spread mashed potatoes on her breast to help her newborn latch easier."
22. The unexpected reveal.
"Just recently I was giving my elderly patient a bed bath after his surgery. It is customary to ask patients if they would like to wash 'down under' or if they would like the nurse to do it for them. Seeing as he was fairly immobile, he told me he was incapable, but 'not to be bashful.' I just assumed this was his pain medication talking, but when I lifted up his gown I found a tattoo of a shark on his penis. Not something I ever expected to see on the job."
23. The excrement nightmare.
"I once had a patient who hadn't had a bowel movement in a week, so he'd recently gone to the GI doc, who had been nice enough to place a small rectal tube to help pull the poop out. The rectal tube was hooked to suction on the wall, and for a few hours after he got back, everything was fine. After a few more hours (and close to shift change), he suddenly had to go. Presuming it was gas, he started going in the bed, and by going I mean GOING. There was poop EVERYWHERE."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.