1.
[Thanksgiving dinner] Me [opening bag]: Okay who had the Big Mac?
2.
Me looking at the Mac n cheese bake on Thanksgiving
3.
[Thanksgiving dinner] me: *eating stuffing* grandma: "what the fuck did you do to my couch cushions?!"
4.
fam at thanksgiving when they see me on that phone
5.
[Saturday] Wife: We need to clean the house. Me: Why? Wife: We’re having company on Thursday. Me: That’s 5 days away. Wife: So? Me: Are we expecting the kids to keep the house clean for 5 days? Wife: Me: Wife: We’ll clean Thursday morning.
6.
Found what I’m taking to the family Thanksgiving.
7.
My favorite Thanksgiving was the one where my great uncle Harold sat at the head of the table and went off on my aunt about his balls dipping into the toilet water when he sat down to “have a crap”.
8.
Happy Thanksgiving week to everyone except people who use the word “hubby.”
9.
Random family member at Thanksgiving: "so when can we expect a lady in your life?" Me:
10.
‘tis the season for spiked hot chocolate, sappy movie marathons, and 473 cars that want your parking spot at the mall.
11.
To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving. https://t.co/hd2VomXhAr
12.
[Thanksgiving dinner] Wife: You're always on your phone and never talk to me! Me: Oh Wife: ok so what's everyone else thankful for?
13.
*At the thanksgiving table* “What happened to your little boo from last year” Me:
14.
A threesome but it’s just me and two different pieces of pie.
15.
The secret ingredient to my green bean casserole is taking my shirt off when I bake it
16.
Nobody puts gravy in the corner.
17.
everybodys got that one family member who always shows up to thanksgiving dinner on a horse
18.
The lottery, except it’s my Thanksgiving table wondering who will get the stuffing with my wife’s hair in it.
19.
"I noticed you didn't thank..." -me after your turn at the Thanksgiving thanks circle
20.
Dentist cleaning my teeth: So, have any thanksgiving plans? Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Me: aw harglegargle un dargalglebargle hankskvring
21.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving Me: fine but I get to do some now. Wife: owl allow it. Me: wait-what are you doing? Wife: toucan play this game. Me: I don’t like this.