1.
[on doorstep after date] me: what would you say to coffee? her: I dunno, maybe "how have you BEAN?" me: that's pretty good you can come in
2.
day 1: dear diary, i'm stranded on a desert island day 18: i'm so fucking hungry day 46: day 69: nice day 91:
3.
(invention of the crib) put that baby in jail
4.
How people walk when they’re: DATING *holding hands* ENGAGED *arms locked* MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front… https://t.co/4BuHGvvPzf
5.
Me: What's your favorite book? Date: War and Peace Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
6.
[Who Wants to Be a Millionaire] Me: “I’d like to phone a friend.” *After 30 seconds of phone ringing* Me: “I don… https://t.co/iCZoLAJi6o
7.
WIFE: It's either me or th- ME: He has name WIFE: OR the goose. ME: Say it. WIFE:… ME: Say his name. WIFE:… ME: Why won't you love Tom Honks
8.
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
9.
if you play "i saw the sign" at exactly 11:58:33 pm on new years eve, ace of base will show up at your house holdin… https://t.co/1HP07WE9xS
10.
ME: Our son asked where babies come from. WIFE: He's too young. Tell him the stork. [Later] ME: Your mom fucked a stork.
11.
WIFE: omg someone's broken in! ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here [downstairs] FRIEND: C… https://t.co/eBRI1u86ta
12.
*walking thru field with gf* *I start flinging cow turds like Frisbees* gf: that's real mature Me: it's pronounced "manure," Karen
13.
*Heaven* God: you may ask me 1 question Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers? God: what? Me: I wanna write loud numbers
14.
ME: [throws bouquet] FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
15.
[cute guy smiles at me, I pretend not to notice, he approaches] Him: Hi Me: {megaphone right up in his face} STRANGER DANGER